Dm in hospice, my own MH in tatters

[Jorun]

My DM has been in hospice for two weeks now. Several days ago we were told that given how rapid her deterioration has been it's likely that it will be days. Now it seems she's having a second wind of sorts.

It sounds bloody awful but I don't know much of it I can handle. When I'm at her bedside I feel physically sick, I have stomach pains and tiredness like I've never had before. Just completely and utterly drained. What's worse is that I have a bad health anxiety and I'm having visions of dying myself of stomach cancer (due to said pains/bad reflux), and leaving my little two year old motherless.

We have had a very tense relationship, especially in my 30s. DM has had a lot of trauma in her early life and unfortunately we paid the price of her poor mental health. I've been getting counselling about it all and she most definitely contributed to my anxiety and depression. Same for my sibling who has managed to distance herself over the last decade. Unfortunately being the oldest all the care for mom and her poor MH fell on my shoulders. In the mean time, I had an over a decade long infertility journey with multiple miscarriages including a late one.

Not even sure what I want with this post...I just want it all to end. She's been saying that she wants to die for the last six months (she used to threaten me as a kid that she will kill herself)..now I cannot help but wish her to let go. Not just for herself and I know she would be horrified if she knew what state she's in, but also for me. This anticipatory grief is killing me. I cannot be there for her, I just want to curl up in bed and sleep. At the same time... I feel like I'm failing my little DD by not being there and even when I'm home, not having any energy to interact with her.

Oh, I am so sorry to hear about this, OP. What an exhausting and difficult situation. I was really touched to read your understanding of your Mum and of the difficulties she's faced. Be gentle with yourself and drop the expectations of yourself wherever you can.

A second wind can frequently indicate the end.
Personally I think you should limit your visits guilt free and protect your own mental health.
Sympathies.

Your writing style sound as though you might be in the States. In hospices in the UK there is always a really good counselling team, and they would totally get this! Please see if that is available where you are.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Another person suggesting you ask the hospice team if they have a bereavement support person. Also talk to your own GP.

I'm sorry about your situation OP. I agree with a pp, a lot of dying people can seem to get a 'second wind' and rally for a bit, but then usually start to deteriorate again. It can sometimes last hours, or a few days, but they're usually short lived.

My DH died last summer in a hospice. We'd had a difficult marriage and being his carer at the end was extremely hard work and my emotions were conflicted. I found the hospice counselling team so helpful and could get things off my chest in confidence, without feeling judged. See if your hospice offers anything similar.

Please look after yourself and your little girl before your mother here. She is in a hospice surrounded by staff . She is clean and warm and dry and her pain is being managed.

You have been there, said I love you , said you will miss her. Now go home and look after that little girl. It sounds like you are developing a stomach ulcer or gastritis due to stress.

You don’t need to be there every day or even every other day . The team will call and let you know if she deteriorates.

You don’t even need to go back if you can’t face it. Love and strength x

This post made me cry. Thank you. I guess I just needed someone to validate what I'm feeling and tell me I'm not a horrible daughter. Thank you @olympicsrock 💐

Thanks to all for your kind words. I appreciate it so much. I will try and catch the hospice counsellor, I've seen her around. My own therapist is unfortunately unavailable as attending family funeral 😢

So sorry to hear this, OP. Much sympathy to you.

My DM has stage 4 pancreatic cancer, recently diagnosed, and I am having a fair bit of anticipatory grief and wondering if I am seriously ill myself, and our relationship is far less complicated.

Hang on in there OP. It will soon be over and then you can concentrate on yourself again.

Been informed that DM went peacefully in the night. I'm relieved for her. I know she would have been really cross with me if she knew what her last few weeks had been like (she used to tell me to never let her live if she became non compus mentus, as if I could do anything about it).

So sorry for your loss 🌻

You can begin to recover now. Run a bath. Look after yourself and take the kindest care of your health and body now. You did all you could, with every ounce of energy that you had 💐