Anger towards people who get better

[Jennywren2000]

This is a horrible emotion that I have and I can’t really explain it, but I wondered whether anyone else feels like this?

My lovely child has a complex, life limiting condition which means that while they are alive they are severely disabled and has multiple medical needs. We try to live a happy life and make the most of each day but we are now many years into this and the great sadness is hidden beneath layers of toughness that are required to keep on with family life with our other kids, jobs, etc whilst fighting the very broken system right left and centre.

Recently a close relative who I love dearly has been unwell, and everyone has really rallied around and given them so much support. They are now on the mend and will be totally fine once they leave hospital.

It’s a totally weird emotion but whilst I feel relieved that they are better, I feel angry and sad that they are recovering and my child won’t. I know that’s really terrible. It’s not like I don’t want them to recover- I absolutely do! But I have found it has thrown up all sorts of complex emotions and also that other relatives have dropped everything to be there. On a weekly basis my child suffers from life threatening seizures and is regularly hospitalised. I just feel a bit abandoned I think because it has gone on so long no one is really interested any more.

Does anyone feel these sort of things? I know I’be probably just grown bitter after years of medical traumas!

I have no direct experience but I think that is completely understandable tbh. I’m so sorry your family has been dealt such a shitty hand.

Totally natural emotion.

I am sorry life has thrown so much extra at you. I can’t imagine how tough you must have to make yourself to deal with the seizures and living a life out of your control.

I find life exhausting and I don’t have your challenges.

Onto the emotion, again very natural.

I was ridiculous when my father was diagnosed with a terminal illness in his seventies. Anyone who dared to look older would provoke self pity and fury in me.
Honestly, I once went into a garden centre to get him some sweets and I was an ugly ball of bitterness!

I once got extremely, life threateningly ill and was hospitalised as an emergency. I was eventually given surgery and recovered.
My sister has less dramatic life long conditions and she has told me how jealous she was that I could have an ‘end’ and she couldn’t.

You have been dealt cards that require more from you than an average person, think it’s totally ok to acknowledge that.

I am so sorry that you are going through so much trauma, and alone. It's completely understandable that you would be angry about everyone rallying round and your relative recovering. It must seem so unfair that no one rallies round you and your child won't recover. It is unfair, it's shittily awfully unfair. Don't beat yourself up for having feelings! You have enough to deal with. You need some care. Take care of yourself. Xx

I totally understand this, @Jennywren2000 - you and your child have been dealt a terribly difficult hand. I'm currently experiencing something similar - I cancelled an evening out with a friend this week as she has health anxiety, and actually I think anxiety generally, and I cannot bear to listen to her make her minor health troubles (low iron levels) into a big deal, or sympathise with whatever difficult days she's experienced recently in her (very part-time!) job. My husband and dad both have incurable cancer and I'm just about holding my shit together with worrying about them, working, two young kids etc. I appreciate everything is relative, and her problems are huge to her, and many other people will have worries bigger/tougher than mine, but I'm honestly not sure I'd be able to hide the rage at the moment.

Thank you for your kind replies.

@RedPandaFluff I’m so sorry that you’re having such a hard time. I have found that some friends have fallen away for this reason over the years and others have become really close friends when they weren’t before because they’re wonderful. Some people are so thoughtful, but it’s very careless of your friend to talk about minor health issues in the context of your life.

Everything’s relative but probably she needs to vent to other friends for whom it’s not such a raw topic.

I have a son with a life limiting illness.
I hear you.
And I totally understand what you are saying.
Most days it’s just get on with it but some days it’s just all too much, the constant fighting to get them what they need is so draining.

I think this is a very very natural emotion. It is bad, in terms of it's bad that you have to go through it, but it isn't nasty or wrong, unless you said something horrible to the person who had recovered or their family.

@Potentialmadcatlady so sorry you’re in the same position. It’s very draining, and yes, mostly you carry on and do what needs doing but sometimes it all catches up with you.

I totally understand. My much loved sister died 2 months ago from cancer. My FIL also has cancer but is expected to make a recovery, and while I'm pleased about that I can't stop thinking how unfair it is because he's so much older now than she was when she passed and therefore had had more life than she ever will. I know it's unreasonable but I can't help it!

Your emotions and thinking are very much justified and I'm sorry life is tough for you 🌺

I'm on my 3rd bout of cancer now and this time it's treatable but incurable. I can't describe the anger and bitter that I currently feel. Particularly towards other peoples more seemingly minor ailments.

Be kind to yourself.. life chucks some mighty curve balls, which causes derailment.

Sending support and good wishes 🌸

@KezzabellaB and @Enigma52 I'm so sorry to hear both your stories too.