My beloved brother died of cholangiocarcinoma aged 66 on 1 July 2024

[Wadadli]

I am still reeling from his death. We were no contact though on two occasions I rang him. On the first he refused to be civil so I told him I was done. How many of us recall the date and time of a telephone call with a loved one, albeit with an estrangement, who then dies with issues unresolved

I rang him on Sunday 30 June. No reply. However minutes later I received a WhatsApp message from our much younger half brother telling me “Not convenient” … not FUCKING CONVENIENT!?

Any chance I had to chat, or had anyone told me he was terminal, to say goodbye, were ripped from me by someone who only met MY brother aged 20 as my big brother wasn’t interested in meeting our dad’s youngest child until then

I will never speak to him again. Never

Your brother must have been really really ill at this point. Maybe not conscious. Maybe they thought he was just asleep and getting some much needed rest rather than being awake and in pain. So maybe your half brother didn't think it was convenient, but like you couldn't see into the future.

I am so sorry for your loss. When a loved one is dying emotions are so raw and intense ...especially if there has been any type of estrangement. Sometimes people, struggling with their own emotions, look for somebody else to blame and lash out at them. It is probably far too soon for this advice op but often the only way to come to terms with your loss is to forgive yourself, forgive your brother and forgive anyone else who lashes out at you. This may take a long time ...even years. I really feel for you tonight in your grief ...and for your so so angry grieving half brother. Take care of yourself op. I hope you have someone in real life you can share with who can understand and comfort you. 💐

I'm sorry I'd assume he was out of it & not able to talk, your other brother probably thought he'd come around & be able to talk to you later. He could have held the phone so you could talk though.

did you know he was so ill?

were you able to go to his funeral?

if possible, I'd go to somewhere that meant something to you both & talk to him.

im sorry it's very very difficult 🤗

Have you asked your younger brother why he did that? It might help you make sense of it

You cannot blame your half-brother for not telling you.
He was probably under instruction from older brother/other family not to.
Were you welcome at the funeral?
You can choose to go NC with your younger brother too, if you do so wish, or whichever family members chose to/went along with "gatekeeping" your brother.
However, NC means that. You had your reasons.
I have been told by a sibling "they are done" - they will not be informed by my dc when I become ill and I wouldn't want them at my funeral. That's not me being petty. I just don't see why my illness or death would change things. Nor would I expect their view to change if they become ill. Unless they specifically asked to see me.
Did you have a right to know? Possibly.
But your brother had rights too and if dying, his wishes trump yours, hard as though that might be to hear.
I have also been where you are, informed of a death after it had happened with a complex relative. I felt confused, angry (at the relative who had passed not the relatives who said nothing) and with a lack of closure but I didn't feel guilt and I was able to draw a line under it.
It is too raw and too soon for you to do that just yet.
You can remember him in your own way and you are allowed to grieve for all you were and all you weren't.
He would have been drifting in and out of consciousness potentially. I have been on the phone to say goodbye to a relative in the same position. I am not sure they heard me. It was done more for me more than for them and I was grateful to the family member who enabled the call/facilitated the goodbye.
I was not NC though. Had I been, I would have respected that relative's wishes - let them choose whether to inform me or not.
I am, nonetheless, sorry for your loss
Estrangements are always difficult and your grief is no lesser just because you may have already grieved.

I appreciate your comments however, most of you are so far from on point it’s laughable. It was all about my half brother taking control. He had no right to deny me the opportunity to say goodbye to my brother of 62 years. YB met EB when he was 20 and did not know him at all during his childhood. I met YB when he was three and was in regular contact with him and his parents - my dad being his dad. Don’t make assumptions - “assume makes an ass out of you …” it does not make an ass out of me who knows the parties concerned

Only ONE of you appears to have any idea. The rest of you … pffffft!

I think perhaps you need to allow some time to pass. Time allows us to see alternative perspectives.

Unfortunately you cannot rewind time.
What has happened is done.
It sounds v sad for you.
My take on this sort of situation is that it was his choice to not accept you in his life.
Take.somw comfort that it wasn't your fault

You are very angry at your half brother and understandably so

But you need to move past that anger or it will eat you up. When the time is right (in other words, when you feel you can have a calm conversation without getting too angry or upset) maybe you can ask half brother, why - knowing your DBrother was dying - did he deny you that chance to speak to him.

He may surprise you. The rationale may have been more around protecting your brother who was frail or perhaps asking not to speak to anyone - who knows. And if not - if it really was about control, you can tell him how unforgivable and despicable that was.

And then you really do need to let it go. Having been denied the chance to say goodbye to both my parents, I have had to remind myself that our lives and love for eachother was in the everyday for fifty years - not the the final three days of their lives. That was a blip in the grand scheme of things.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.