Family member near EOL and how my other relative is dealing with it

[FluffyJellyCat]

I don't want to say too much to protect family privacy.

But one of my family very sadly has an illness they can not recover from. I have never known their timeline but it has steadily got worse, no periods of improvement or stability. Very sad, possibly refusal to accept the outcome by them and nuclear family.

Things are not looking good right now. But my aunt who is closer related, is very worried but won't ask the nuclear family any questions. She waits for information to be offered up, never asks. She tells me she is extremely worried but she is never going to ask what's going on.

I say soothing things bit inwardly I wonder if she is coming across as uninterested to to family. But more so I just don't know what to say anymore. There was lots of talk of recovery but I knew you don't recover. Again I made soothing noises.

So my question is this. I think everyone is in a degree of denial which I fully understand. But do I join in or do I skirt around this? Ie say things like 'hopefully next app will be good news' I know there will be no good news. Inside deep down aunt must too. But I'm not sure.

Inside I'm feeling like time is running out and last chances are sliding by to. But how does it help anyone to hear this? The person who is ill does not want or need to hear anything but recovery which I 100% support and the nuclear family. But my aunt, I don't know what to say. Gut says agree with her 100% at all times. She has closer family to gently explain.

How do I support my aunt?

Honestly, if that's where they're at, just play along - presumably this is their coping mechanism for dealing with the inevitable.

I'll never forget the last conversation I had with my grandma, when I was in my teens. In this case she wasn't in denial, she knew she was dying, I knew she was dying but we were talking about me going to university and her visiting even though we both knew she wouldn't be there, and I'm really glad we had that discussion because it made me feel more like she would be with me in my next phase of life and perhaps helped her be happy that life would continue for her grandchildren. Maybe don't talk about recovery, but have those future discussions, it might cheer them up and it might bring some comfort.

Thank you. That's,what the person who is ill is doing. Talking about getting better, leaving hospital.

Aunt is overseas from sick relative and was talking about when to come back which is some hyperthetical unplanned date in the future. What they are coming back for I'm not sure. To say goodbye? Fir the funeral? They have always said this person could go on for years, maybe forever with the illness. I do worry that in this denial stage they will not this time back.

But you are right. My gut says say the things that comfort and sooth right now. Everything I hear is positive. Except science, symptom progression and the nhs.

There is a future so that is a good point actually. No one knows how long that future is for sure. Thank you for letting me talk. My logical brain says I need to ask her what her plans for the flight are. The bigger part of my brain says there is massive heartbreak on the horizon and nothing will ease that pain. To make this bearable as possible no one needs hear time is running out.

When they phone her saying get here now I guess ultimately is only their call to make anyway.

I think that everyone grieves very differently and for some, that grief begins before death. I wouldn’t intentionally do anything that you think will be hurtful to anyone who is grieving.

Yes, I don't think anyone wants to hear the truth, and it's not going to help anyone. I think I'm in a different stage as I did lots of crying at diagnosis as it's unrecoverable. No one recovers.

If aunt mentions booking a flight again I might just ask what the flight is for. Let her tell me her intentions.

To be honest she is going to be destroyed if she gets the news over the phone or sitting at the bedside. Right now she has a window of hope.

I hope I'm wrong. Hopefully.

Thanks it's helped to confirm my thoughts. I don't need to give any false hope but I don't need to do anything more than listen.

If you are saying your aunt lives far away, and you think she should come now if she wants to have a chance to see the person, but don’t want to outright say ‘hurry up’ you could frame it as a visit from her would so cheer them up/ give them a boost or something. We are generally a lot more direct in my family but that’s probably the kind of thing I would say to someone not wanting to face it. I don’t blame them, have had to travel to see loved ones and have had to go to the airport knowing we had had our last visit, it is hard but for me anyway I would rather see them alive than attend a funeral if only one is possible.

Hope you are getting through this as best you can.