Withdrawing from family (terminal illness)

[Globetrote]

My DM has terminal cancer and due to us being NC I have heard from my aunt (DM’s DSis) about her illness and what has been happening. I have spoken to my DM a month ago after many years of NC.

My aunt has just told me that in the past two weeks both my DM and her partner have ignored all phone calls and texts (they live in another country from us all) from her and another sister of theirs. Partner is a wonderful man and there’s no chance that he’s blocking contact, but both my aunts are distressed.

Aunt also said that last week DM was due to have a morphine syringe driver fitted, and they are worried about what’s happening and whether this is the beginning of the end.

Does anyone know if my DM is possibly withdrawing from all family if the end is near? I have heard that this can happen. The plan has been for her to go into a hospice when the time comes but my aunts have no idea if this has happened or you can have a syringe driver at home.

If they continue to get no response I could ring the nearest hospice to them to see if she has been admitted, but I presume that due to patient confidentiality they won’t confirm if she is?

I don't think anyone here could tell you whether your DM is withdrawing because she's nearing the end, I'm so sorry to say. It could be for a number of reasons she isn't responding to contact.

I hope you're able to get the answers you're looking for x

In the UK you can certainly have a syringe driver at home if the support is in place to manage it, we had the district nurses call in daily when DH was on one. I must confess that when he was end of life I found it really hard to keep everyone updated but I did communicate with his daughter and my kids and they kept everyone else in the loop. I am sorry you are going through this.

My mother had a syringe driver in her last 3 or 4 days at home and she did also withdraw from all but her closest friend and family.

So, yes, you are probably right.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

My mum had a syringe driver at home and died within days. I stopped answering the phone in the last days (and afterwards) because I couldn't bear explaining to people anymore.

Also my mum didn't withdraw as such, she just wasn't well enough to talk on the phone etc.

Thank you everyone for your responses.

So it seems that it is possible that DM is still at home. I feel so much for her two sisters as they are frantic to contact her. Both are getting old now - 82 & 72 - and both are frightened of flying now they are older, but were prepared to fly and see her; however, DM has been giving mixed messages on how she is/prognosis and as of a few weeks ago she claimed that the consultant didn’t want to see her again for 6 weeks despite chemo stopping as there was no more to be done.

Sadly, we tried to reconcile but there is too much water under the bridge for it to be meaningful for either of us.

I can see why you're all upset but if she wants to be left alone I would respect that.

Let me be frank and honest with you... you had no issue going no contact for many years?? Subconsciously you'll be wanting to ease yourself of the potential burden/regret ( that's a natural human response I'm not having a dig ) but she won't have the energy/enthusiasm to deal with anybody else. I'd suggest you write a really well thought out hand written letter to say everything you want to say that she can read at her own leasure. This is ALL about her and her end

@BowlOfNoodles I don’t think OP is trying to reconcile with her mum; she’s trying to support her mum’s sisters and make sense of the situation where there is a lot of uncertainty

My mother withdrew almost from the moment of diagnosis. She took to her bed and wouldn't see or speak to anyone except for us and HCPs. She didn't speak to her best friend who she'd known for sixty years, it was left to us to speak to her friends and family. She died about four months later.