How best to support a young mum with stage 4 cancer?

[Glamgwen]

My lovely friend has stage 4 cancer. She's in her 30s & has 3 young children. She was diagnosed a few years ago & chemo etc. has so far held the cancer at bay, but she's just found out that the treatment is no longer working and this is sadly looking like the beginning of the end.

I want to support her any way I can but I'm just not sure what to say/do. Her kids are already being well looked after by her partner/family and she's financially secure so the practicalities are taken care of. We've briefly discussed what she'd like to do while she's feeling well enough and at the moment she wants to be at home, which is completely understandable.

Has anyone supported a friend through the end of their life who may have some advice for what to say or do (and also what not to say/do – I can sometimes accidentally be too direct and I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing).

Thank you for reading.

I have supported two friends through end of life cancer.
What I would say is that things can change quickly so if there is anything you want to do together or arrange for them as a family do it sooner rather than later. (Of course all illness are different but my experience with cancer is that when things start changing this can happen fast)
I loaded an über account on buy friends phone so that I knew she could always call a cab when needed (she was no longer able to drive)
There's the usual help with cooking / cleaning - a group of us organised a weekly cleaner, and did once a week drop off of food.
If that is not needed, then I would be there. I would spend the day with my friend (kids at school/husband at work) and we would just loaf around the house and chat. I would bring a nice lunch for us to share and I think this was the most important thing - just spending time, adapting to your fiends changing health and possible mobility.
I also went with her to hospital appointments so that she had someone with her to pass time, and we would have a laugh and I could also take notes for her, make sure she was comfortable and drive her to appointments.

I know from having a husband with stage 4 cancer, that when people came to visit it breathed lovely light and love into our home and was much appreciated by me.

Wishing you much love and strength as you support your friend on this journey - just been there, showing up, will be the most important thing you can do

Mostly just be there for her - if she’s happy for you to pop over for short visits, little and often is usually best. Don’t be afraid to laugh, make jokes etc if that feels appropriate to your relationship.

Make specific offers eg “I’m making lasagne today, would you like me to make you a portion for the freezer’ rather than ‘Let me know if there’s anything I can do’.

Be happy to sit with her even if she’s sleepy or wants to sit quietly.

Be led by her/her partner, so step back if they want to have time just with family.

Do you have children of the same age as hers? If so I'd offer play dates/sleepovers at times when she's not well enough to be with them or having treatment, so that they're really used to hanging out at your house, and you know how to look after them and make them feel comfortable.

That way she and their father will feel easier relying on you in moments of crisis, and once he's a lone parent.

(this may not apply if they have aunties round the corner, but IMO you can't ever have too many emergency trusted carers).

Thank you for such helpful responses, very much appreciated.

Honestly do her dishes and vac take her a Starbucks a dad set. Just to show love.