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Life-limiting illness

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Partner dying - help me plan admin

59 replies

Butterbeanbutterbo · 14/03/2024 16:09

My partner has recently had a terminal diagnosis and not sure how long he has. I have managed to get a couple of days to work through some essential tasks. Help me think of things to make sure we cover.

Stuff we have: check Will up to date/ re do letter of wishes, talk through funeral wishes, talk through dying wishes - eg DNATR/ consider living will, explore POA, copy over all his important contact details, look up life insurance policy, transfer bills he pays personally to joint account, ask about details of tasks only he does (eg to do with car).

I’m sure there are many others and can’t face googling previous examples so would really appreciate any help

OP posts:
DilemmaDelilah · 15/03/2024 10:23

So much good advice on here!

Make sure all bills are in your name - it just makes things easier. Don't forget to notify the council afterwards so the council tax is changed. Also his dentist/doctor etc. His doctor should know, but in a busy practice it can get missed.

Put all the relevant paperwork in one logical place, where you can find it. Bills, life insurance, pensions, house deeds if you have them etc.
I acted as executor for my mother and I found that while the 'tell us once' service was very good, it didn't actually do everything.

Discuss his preferences for his funeral etc. When my MIL got her terminal diagnosis the first thing she did was to go straight to the Co-Op funeral parlour and arrange and pay for her own funeral. It made things so much easier for those who were left behind.

His will will state what is to happen to the big things.... but he will have little things he might like to give to specific people. Encourage him to make a list and decide what small bequests he would like to give. When I got my cancer diagnosis that was one of the first things I did (I should still have a few years left so I may need to update it). He may have a favourite pair of cuff links he would like to go to somebody, or some sports memorabilia.

Encourage him to get in touch with people he may not have seen for a while - if he wants to. One of the jobs I did when my mother died was to contact everyone in her address book to let them know. Her nearest and dearest knew anyway, and we made sure we telephoned those with the details of the funeral, but there were lots of other people to contact. We put a funeral notice into the Times, the Te!egraph and the Western Morning News, as we knew those were the newspapers most of her friends read, but I know that's probably not very relevant now. I ended up buying a stash of suitably sombre small notecards (so that I didn't have to write too much) and several books of stamps so that I could let people know. You may we!l have a list of email addresses you can use. I only had one, for relatives in New Zealand. Despite doing that there were still several people that were missed and it was very upsetting to pick up Christmas cards that had been delivered to her house.

Talking about Christmas, or indeed any other celebratory time of year, maybe start thinking about how you are going to manage that once you are on your own.

We intend to go to our local funeral director and put plans in place in advance. We should have enough savings to pay for our funerals, but it would be helpful for our families if they didn't have to worry about that as well. If I am lucky I will have another 10 years maybe, but realistically it could be 2 or 3, so sensible to do that soonish.

Think about the wake - does he want one? Most family and friends will expect one and people like to get together to reminisce. Is that something you would do at home? Would you do it in a hotel or restaurant? Maybe you could look into what is available and choose something together.

Does he want a church funeral? Burial or cremation? Do his family life close by, or if they are a long way away (abroad) would it be wise to let them know the situation so they can think about how they might attend when the time comes, if they can. When my aunt died last year the service was live-streamed from the church so that remote family could attend virtually.

I'm sorry, this is awful for you, but maybe being able to talk it over together beforehand will help you to cope afterwards. Everyone is different - I am autistic so it is important for me to plan ahead as much as I can. I wish you both the very best.

exexpat · 15/03/2024 10:47

Getting married is mostly about inheritance tax, and since his assets are below the threshold that is not so relevant to you. Previously you would have missed out on widowed parent's allowance by not being married, but that has now been extended to unmarried parents it does not matter any more, and your child is quite old anyway. Is the house owned as joint tenants (better and simpler in your circumstances) or tenants in common?

You need to make sure that he has nominated you/your child as beneficiaries of any pension arrangements he might have. Does his work have any kind of death-in-service benefit? When my sister was dying, she managed to negotiate to get both death in service and some kind of retirement on health grounds benefit - I can't remember the details, it was her area of expertise (HR & employment benefits).

Any bank accounts, investments, utility accounts, insurance, car ownership etc you can put into joint names now will make it much simpler when the time comes. My BiL didn't have to do probate for my sister because they had made everything joint in time and then it all just transfers to the survivor automatically.

Sorry you are going through all this. I lost my husband very suddenly (no time to plan anything) and my sister with more notice, and I don't know which is worse.

Radiohorror · 15/03/2024 12:15

You can often get a personal/company pension paid out early as well - tax free compared to the usual 25% tax free.
Make sure he's getting all the benefits he's entitled to (& blue badge). Carers allowance for you too.

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/03/2024 12:36

I think getting married would be the best thing to do. I'm really sorry it is under those circumstances but I think it makes things so much easier.

FunnyFinch · 15/03/2024 13:31

Butterbeanbutterbo · 15/03/2024 08:35

He is at home. No specific care but we have a support link with a hospice for his specific illness. I work but have been allowed to work solely from home and have got some time off - effectively working part time. He is technically on sick leave from work (but won’t be going back).

has pain management been discussed?

Lifebeganat50 · 15/03/2024 14:09

This is going to sound really grim, but check his pension for death in service benefit when a terminal diagnosis has been received, the pension may pay out now

Isometimeswonder · 15/03/2024 14:22

@Butterbeanbutterbo Sorry for your horrible news OP.
Helpful stuff on here.
My advice is to look after yourself as much as possible.
And the admin stuff is important, but so is just spending time with your partner.
Sending my thoughts x

Butterbeanbutterbo · 15/03/2024 17:49

I just want to say thank you all again for all the thoughtful, kind, detailed advice. It has already helped so much. I hope anyone who went through horrible things to be in a position to give advice on such a difficult topic can take a bit of comfort that someone else is benefitting. Also hope that anyone else going through this has lots of support 💐

OP posts:
baileybrosbuildingandloan · 15/03/2024 20:47

Radiohorror · 14/03/2024 16:20

I'm so sorry.
There was a thread previously that might help https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/life_limiting_illness/4848479-partner-stage-4-cancer-what-do-i-we-need-to-do-in-terms-of-housekeeping
Remember that you aren't actually supposed to log into anyone else's bank account or anything else not in joint names so get as much as possible transferred to your name & otherwise you need account details & who to inform when it happens.

It, you and he ensure all accounts are in joint names (if you are both happy with that)

I am so very sorry.

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