How best to support relative who doesn’t understand that her husband is dying

[Wateroverthebridge]

Sadly, my close relative has recently been diagnosed with dementia. Her DH is very sick and has been told by doctors he has 3 months to live (cancer). He is currently being looked after at home by the district nurses but there is talk of him going into hospice. I am looking for some advice as she keeps telling us that her DH is getting much better and that he’s going to be fine.It’s heartbreaking. If any one has any advice on how to support I would really appreciate it. They are in their early 60s. Thank you

Gosh, this is really heartbreaking. Do you think it's the dementia, or is it the denial phase of her grief?

She may well be in denial, as the thought of losing her anchor in life as well as her memory must be beyond her worst nightmare.

My brother, in his 30's at the time, was in such denial that our mother was dying. I think his brain was unable to accept it.

The only thing I can think of is to ask for the memory team to review her. So that they can assess, and also advise on what they think is the best way forward.

And I wonder what came first - dementia or his illness. As she could be low in mood/in grief/stress. Either can present with memory problems.

Thank you for your reply. I do think that’s part of it too. It’s just heartbreaking. They have been together since they were 18. She was having trouble with memory problems and repeating herself a lot and not looking after herself, all of which came on after her DHs diagnosis. She recently had a brain scan and that’s when they have diagnosed dementia. She will be having an appointment with the neurologist soon. Her DH is more worried about her, than himself, bless him

Maybe having a few phrases you can use might help : -

Well, we'll take good care of him whatever happens.
We don't know what the future holds but at least we're all together and can enjoy today.

Sadly, she might never realise or be able to accept that he is terminally ill. Dementia's cruel and sometimes you have to put logic out the window and just focus on feelings. Struggling to get her to understand could be more distressing than it is worth so redirecting to something that doesn't feel like a lie but is less distressing might be for the best, if that makes sense.

My DPs currently in this situation. DM has advanced dementia, DF is Stage 4 cancer. DM has no grasp of DFs condition and I don’t tell her anymore, there’s no point. I just make statements like “we’re looking after DF and we love him very much.” Explaining the prognosis just gets her upset and then she forgets two minutes later so it doesn’t have any effect anyway. I find focusing on their love helps.

There is no need to contradict her, you can't control her dementia. If he is going into a hospice, perhaps her family need to think about arranging a nursing home for her. She may always think he is alive and if it's alzgeimers she unfortunately won't remember in loop cycles. It's quite normal for dementia patients to regress to their memories of their earlier years and not grasp current realities. Staff in nursing g homes, know not to force uncomfortable current realities, but instead to talk about their good memories, even if it's the same or similar conversation on loop, over and over again.

You won't win with dementia, just keep her company and agree with her, no need to contradict (dementia is the opposite of reality).

I find that medical professionals unhelpfully edge around the subject rather than coming out and saying it, so if someone medical has tried to tell her, she could very easily have got the wrong end of the stick.

I recently was bedside for parent's do not resuscitate (DNR) conversation where I had to put my work head on and go for "it sounds like you're saying", "what I'm hearing is" etc to effectively get it through to my loved one as the doctor was edging around the topic and waffling.

The nursing home can probably advise best but I think focusing on feelings and staying calm is probably the best.thing,

I also wouldn't contradict her/say he is dying or dead. My grandma spent years believing my grandad was alive and she wasn't diagnosed with dementia until after he died.
We'd just say he was at the pub or work and we were sure he would be back soon 🤷‍♀️
She seemed to go with that generally.