This is so rambling but I hope it makes sense and I hope it resonates with someone else out there. DM is end of life. She's in kidney failure. She's in a home but supposed to be moved to a hospice today. She's just fallen out of bed and now going back to hospital despite asking for no further hospital admissions. She's 68. Stage four ovarian cancer which has spread everywhere (top tip: the perineum and peritoneum are two very different areas on the body! Learned this when asking the Dr something last week). I live 300 miles away but am up here now as I was told it was a matter of days. That was a week ago. I'm still trying to work. I miss my kids. My DB is being absolutely useless. I am laid in my old childhood single bed because there's nowhere else to 'be' in her house (sofa was removed to get a bed in the living room). And it's too much. It's just all too much and I can't cope. But if I tell people I'm not coping, I'll get hollow words of sympathy and messages of 'hugs' and 'you're in my thoughts' and I can't handle them. All her friends have been to see her to say goodbye, it's all been very sad and emotional but.....she's still here! And now I'm getting daily messages asking how she is, any changes, any updates. I feel like a one women repository that people keep taking from. And in the middle of all this is my Mum. Mostly asleep, mostly pain free, hanging on for dear life as her body fails around her. And I need something, but I have no idea what.