Telling work about terminally ill father

[Ella19902]

My father has been battling oesophageal cancer for the past 2 years. Unfortunately we got the devastating news this week that treatment is no longer working and he only has a small number of months left. I am really struggling to process this and find busying myself with work takes my mind off it. But I feel I should let work know but don’t know how… I have a good professional relationship with my manager but my observation is that she’s not very sympathetic to people’s personal situations. I also find it very hard to talk about. I am aware that when my father gets closer to the end I’m likely going to need time off at short notice so I guess I should let them know? Can I ask if there is anyone else on here who can share experience of being in a similar situation and how you managed this with work?

My DH has a life limiting illness, what worked was being really communicative and transparent with my manager, I built in contingencies in my work plan about when I'd likely need time off - I basically project planned it in.

But, I know I work with a highly supportive manager and the organisation follows through. That wasn't always the case, one manager clearly couldn't care less and just wanted to know who would cover my work.

If it's the second type, my sincere advice is to look after yourself, if your mental health is nose diving speak to your GP and get support for yourself, perhaps take time off sick if that's what you need.

It would be helpful to know what your HR policies say, just in case there is any carers leave you can take, or if you can work flexibly from home or reduce hours temporarily? You're more likely to get what you need if you know what your asking for.

My DM has been battling cancer for 18 months. I started a new job 12 months ago. I kept it quiet for a while but she went downhill quite rapidly a few weeks back so I told my immediate boss and the head of HR. My manager (male) is very practical so I kind of took his lead and just let him know facts. The female HR person was much more interested in how I'm coping, what I needed, what the company could do for me.

Last week I was told she was in kidney failure and only had a few days left. My boss has taken all big tasks off me and is letting me answer emails as and when I want to, and work on smaller tasks that don't take too much thinking about but keep me busy. He's also said if the situation changes, let him know immediately and he'll tell everyone I am uncontactable until further notice.

I'm sitting by her bed now and it's nice to have emails to distract me but I also know I can completely step away when the time comes.

It is worth finding out now what your HR policies are about time off etc. Compassionate leave is often a couple of days only with an expectation any more will be taken as sick - GPs are usually v helpful for this. Depending on your work they vary from unbelievably supportive and flexible to absolute gits.

If you have a good professional relationship with your manager I would give her work related info - your DF is very ill, at the moment you are finding work v helpful in keeping your mind off it but you want her to be aware that there may be a sudden crisis which will take you away from work.

I took a month off work on compassionate leave when my dad was at the end of life stage of cancer. I was upfront with work when things took a turn for the worst and they were very supportive - I do also work in the public sector, who are probably better at this kind of thing.
Is your dad under the care of a hospice? The hospice my dad was under were very good towards the end and I was told that if work was difficult about compassionate leave, then one of their doctors would write a letter to have me signed off.
I'm so sorry you are going through this and I send you thoughts and prayers x

I'm so sorry about your Dad. I work for a very compassionate organisation, who will be very much led by what the individual would prefer. I only had a few days off when one parent was in a hospice, then a few to make arrangements and attend the funeral. Similar with my remaining parent, except it was lockdown/WFH so I was limited with visits etc. But each person needs something different, definitely speak to them, and don't hesitate to be signed off if you need to be.

I do also work in the public sector, who are probably better at this kind of thing

I used to have an office in the HR corridor at an NHS trust and would hear them advising 'well if the parent was very old, it would be expected so only a day of compassionate leave for the funeral' and other such gems.

I worked for an actual hospice who never forgave me for my time off with my DF's death and sickness micro-managed me for the rest of my employment.

My experience is that the best scenario is a line manager with personal experience in a small to medium organization as they often go over and above.

I have been incredibly lucky, since Jan I have been spending a week a month wfh to be with my terminally ill parent. We found out last month that they’ve months left and work have been so supportive.

For now I’m still working and living 3 hours away - I feel guilty but I needed that for me and my mental health. My current plan is to go and hibernate with my parents Nov/Dec and stay until the end. It has been suggested by my manager that I take sick leave or drop my days to 2/3 a week if I want to keep working - work is a crutch for me and I love my job. I’m going to keep going as long as possible and plan ahead with my 2024 projects - thankfully I’m incredibly organised and this is already underway.

I’m a planner and this is one thing in life that I can’t really plan so I’m just keeping the communication open with my boss and we’re going to go with the flow as to what I need. I’ve been told that if I’m offline, I’m offline, take each day as it comes. I’m also able to take time off to attend appointments and do hospital visits - without eating into my holiday.

I appreciate how lucky I am. It’s so great to hear that others are being well supported too.