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Original poster

End of life care for FIL

12 replies

Microwaste · 22/09/2023 22:23

FIL has terminal cancer and has defied all expectations so far to still be with us!
but MIL is thinking that he's approaching the end. We saw them a week ago and he was quite bright and with-it (although incredibly frail of course) but it sounds like a corner has been turned this week.
all of a sudden nurses are appearing from all sides to offer help, so they have 4 or 5 or 6 nurses a day some days plus some overnight assistance as well, this has all started in the last week. He's sleeping more and on quite a bit of morphine and she says his skin is mottled and his feet can't get warm.
I wonder if anyone who has some experience can say if this sounds like it might be approaching the end? I'm sorry for the blunt question, we have thought so many times over the last 10 years that he was not going to make it (not all from this cancer, this is new) that we'd started to think he'd outlast us all!
My DH is away and my Dd is going away too next week on a school trip so I'm just worrying about anything happening while they are away, I know there's nothing we can do though and if it's going to happen it will.

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DustyMaiden · 22/09/2023 22:30

Sorry yes it sounds like the the end is near. It is really hard to know how long. My DSis is a hospice nurse and she says you can never predict accurately.

Original poster
Microwaste · 22/09/2023 23:03

Thanks @DustyMaiden. The hospice nurses about a week ago were saying they thought he had more than a month left. I think they only offer a hospice space when they expect it to be 2 weeks or so? But he does seem to have declined really suddenly. I googled the mottled skin and most sites say it's an indication it could be a week or so.

He's been suffering so much recently we are just praying for that release now.

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vipersnest1 · 22/09/2023 23:19

@Microwaste, in my area, hospice placements were only available to those imminently at risk of dying, but well enough to travel. (Because it's not great for the person to pass away while being transferred.)
It might be an idea for you to speak to his nurses. They might not want to give a definitive answer, but may well give you an idea: 'he's not well enough to move now' etc.
I'm sorry you are in the position you are - it's tough to know what to do.
Once he's declined far enough, the family might have a syringe driver offered to them. My DM and DDad both had one, and they both passed away peacefully, unaware of any pain or distress. Sorry if you're not ready to hear that just now. Flowers

Tiny2018 · 22/09/2023 23:23

I'm a carer for those at the end of their lives. I've observed a few things before they go. The main one being they tend to have a last burst of 'life', for want of a better description. This can be quite upsetting for family members who think they are getting better and become filled with hope. It's actually really quite sad to watch, from every perspective.

Original poster
Microwaste · 23/09/2023 06:48

@vipersnest1 in the nicest possible way, we just want it to be over now! It's been so prolonged and terrible, we want peace for him and for MIL. He has oesophageal cancer and it's just awful.
he wants to stay at home if he can, he might consider a hospice but if they can manage with him being at home and with the extra nurses visiting that would be their ideal.
thank you @Tiny2018 flr sharing that, it's useful to know. I'd rather be forewarned. We (me and DH) haven't lost anyone else close to us before so this is all new. Sorry that's not quite true, I mean to a terminal illness. We have lost friends to sudden deaths but nothing like this.

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vipersnest1 · 23/09/2023 19:56

@Microwaste, I'm very sorry if my post caused you any distress or upset. I only mentioned hospices as you had posted about them.
Just to reassure you, a syringe driver is used to ease the patient, not to prolong life. A tiny needle is placed under the skin of the thigh and any medications needed can be delivered through it.
I've been where you are and it's horrible. Flowers

Saddogmum73 · 23/09/2023 20:16

My mum died last month from cancer. She was taken off all monitoring and fluids etc and was on morphine only. We thought it would be around 3 days and she lasted 6. It was horrible watching her and I hope it’s as peaceful as it can be for your FIL.

Original poster
Microwaste · 23/09/2023 20:54

@vipersnest1 not at all, please don't worry! I'm comfortable with talking bluntly about it, I'm also of the opinion that the more knowledge you have the better. I'd rather things were just spelt out.
MIL is quite distressed today with the endless parade of nurses, she wants just some quiet time with him holding his hand. I told her she can send them away if she needs to - I assume that she can.
I'm so sorry about your mum @Saddogmum73, I hope you are doing ok. 💐

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Original poster
Microwaste · 24/09/2023 22:19

He's had a line put in today for morphine and I think sedation if he needs it. He's also stopped eating and drinking now so seems like things are coming to the end.

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Original poster
Microwaste · 26/09/2023 05:55

He's gone, passed away last night.

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Saddogmum73 · 26/09/2023 06:45

So sorry for your loss xx

Original poster
Microwaste · 26/09/2023 06:56

Thank you @Saddogmum73, I feel very much on the periphery! My job here is supporting DH, MIL and my children.
glad his pain and suffering is over at last.

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