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Original poster

Terminal cancer

7 replies

Imnoonesfool · 05/09/2023 13:52

We have found out recently that my MIL cancer is no longer responding to chemo and has spread. They had a meeting last week and it is a matter of months at best.

It is so hard to comprehend because other than some pain, it’s only the side effects of the chemo that is an indication she is so poorly. When she has breaks in chemo she looks so well and her normal self.

My PIL are being practical making sure everything household wise is in order, plus visiting hospice etc to plan for when it’s needed.

our children (teens) know she has cancer and is poorly but we haven’t told them that they are now going to die, potentially imminently.

Do we tell them now that there is nothing more that can be done or do we just wait to see how things go and speak to them once they start to deteriorate

we have had no experience of cancer in our family so really don’t know what to do for the best or even how quickly she is going to become really poorly.

my DH is also struggling massively himself to take it all in.

any advise greatly received

OP posts:
Sidslaw · 05/09/2023 13:54

well, your children need to know, really, so they have time to adjust. I hope you all get to spend lots of quality time with her in the next few months. Does she have any holiday plans?

Original poster
Imnoonesfool · 05/09/2023 13:58

Sidslaw · 05/09/2023 13:54

well, your children need to know, really, so they have time to adjust. I hope you all get to spend lots of quality time with her in the next few months. Does she have any holiday plans?

I know they need to know but I was hoping for someone who has experienced similar offering me some advise of how much detail we go into with them.

OP posts:
Sidslaw · 05/09/2023 14:01

Imnoonesfool · 05/09/2023 13:58

I know they need to know but I was hoping for someone who has experienced similar offering me some advise of how much detail we go into with them.

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I'd go for full disclosure, personally - no point in trying to hide anything is there. It is going to happen, and if you aren't fully upfront with them, then they are not going to trust you in future when the next relative is ill

Original poster
Imnoonesfool · 05/09/2023 14:09

thank you @Sidslaw albeit a bit brutal, I do know it is going to happen.

I suppose the truth in these horrible situations is brutal as much as I wish it wasn’t going to happen

OP posts:
PleaseExcuseMe · 05/09/2023 14:15

Imnoonesfool · 05/09/2023 13:52

We have found out recently that my MIL cancer is no longer responding to chemo and has spread. They had a meeting last week and it is a matter of months at best.

It is so hard to comprehend because other than some pain, it’s only the side effects of the chemo that is an indication she is so poorly. When she has breaks in chemo she looks so well and her normal self.

My PIL are being practical making sure everything household wise is in order, plus visiting hospice etc to plan for when it’s needed.

our children (teens) know she has cancer and is poorly but we haven’t told them that they are now going to die, potentially imminently.

Do we tell them now that there is nothing more that can be done or do we just wait to see how things go and speak to them once they start to deteriorate

we have had no experience of cancer in our family so really don’t know what to do for the best or even how quickly she is going to become really poorly.

my DH is also struggling massively himself to take it all in.

any advise greatly received

I experienced this exact scenario earlier this year. My DM previously had cancer, was in remission, but had a checkup late last year that revealed it had come back and was no longer treatable. Was given a maximum of 6 months. My dm wasn't ill at all until the very last month when all symptoms came on suddenly.

I have one teen DS who was super close to his grandmother. I chose to be upfront from the beginning, explained what the likely outcome would be, i.e., death and how long she was expected to last. I also explained that we would be playing it on a day by day basis and not to focus too much on the life expectancy date. It did help, as my dm ended up getting so poorly so quickly and died in June this year only 2 months after being given the news. DS has coped remarkably well. Before dm died, we asked him if he wanted to set up some therapy for him, he did and this has been an enormous help.

So I would say, definitely tell your children and help them come to terms with what will happen.

Sidslaw · 05/09/2023 14:15

Imnoonesfool · 05/09/2023 14:09

thank you @Sidslaw albeit a bit brutal, I do know it is going to happen.

I suppose the truth in these horrible situations is brutal as much as I wish it wasn’t going to happen

yes, I have had it both ways, my Dad telling me my mum was going to die when I was a teen, and now having to tell my teens that I am dangerously ill myself.

I just opened up all appointments, and said anyone could attend any appointment if they wanted to, which they all did, once or twice, but now they are sure nothing is being hidden, they don't feel the need to come any more.

Be open, be honest, if you can't talk openly, they will be afraid to do so.

Original poster
Imnoonesfool · 05/09/2023 14:19

PleaseExcuseMe · 05/09/2023 14:15

I experienced this exact scenario earlier this year. My DM previously had cancer, was in remission, but had a checkup late last year that revealed it had come back and was no longer treatable. Was given a maximum of 6 months. My dm wasn't ill at all until the very last month when all symptoms came on suddenly.

I have one teen DS who was super close to his grandmother. I chose to be upfront from the beginning, explained what the likely outcome would be, i.e., death and how long she was expected to last. I also explained that we would be playing it on a day by day basis and not to focus too much on the life expectancy date. It did help, as my dm ended up getting so poorly so quickly and died in June this year only 2 months after being given the news. DS has coped remarkably well. Before dm died, we asked him if he wanted to set up some therapy for him, he did and this has been an enormous help.

So I would say, definitely tell your children and help them come to terms with what will happen.

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This is really helpful thank you very

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