Waiting for the end

[monkeynutter]

I feel at a quite an utter loss today. My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer eight years ago which spread to his spine, bones, lymph nodes and this point goodness knows where else.
Just after Christmas the tumours on the spine caused paralysis but he came home to live out his final days with support. When he came home in February the doctors said they couldn't do anymore for the cancer and he probably had a month left. We were of course upset so have tried to enjoy the last bit of time we have left.
Five months later and he's defied all the odds and still here despite numerous dips he's always rallied.
Ten days ago he stopped eating, apart from the odd biscuit and started being more in pain, difficulty breathing and very delusional. The GP has been out several times and has now said the delusion is likely to be due to a build up of calcium due to it being in the bones. Awaiting blood tests and if it is they can give him something to help.

I feel completely numb and resentful if i'm honest. I'm sad to see my dad in the way he is but he has no quality of life whatsoever. My mum is finding it all very difficult and whilst has support from carers doesn't really get a rest. The GP has said he's still very strong and probably has months left. I feel selfish in that I don't want my mum to go through this for months and I don't want to either. My dad, the way he was, is gone and I hate myself for feeling this way and evening writing this. I want someone to be able to tell me when it'll happen rather than the endless waiting and watching someone in pain and uncomfortable.

I'm lucky in that my husband and work are incredibly supportive but today I feel done with it all. I want to hide under the duvet and not have to deal with it all.
Do you ever recover from the trauma and grief of dealing with something like this?

Sorry for the out pouring but having read past posts I know there is a lot of support here. Any ideas for coping mechanisms and finding away not to feel so....bleugh?

💐

sending only my heartfelt sympathy as I am not knowledgeable enough

First of all I want to say how sorry I am you are going through this with your Dad; it is truly heartbreaking seeing them like this.

I’m not medically qualified and whilst the GP may be right with time frames, I would say, with the symptoms you have described to be prepared that it could be a much shorter time too, from my own experience. I’ve very recently lost my own Dad to cancer and he had a sudden decline over a couple of weeks.

Look into a referral for Marie Curie if possible- district nurses arranged this for us - and we had night sitters come in to sit with Dad which allowed me and my Mum to get a better nights sleep. Apparently MacMillan have a day sitter service available too like if you need to go out for an appointment or just some time out.

It is a truly exhausting time, so make sure you look after yourself too. I found getting out for a walk each day helped give me a bit of time out, reading or crafts too, anything to take your mind away from everything for a little while.