I am wondering if anyone can suggest who I could talk to about my DM’s terminal cancer diagnosis. I guess my situation is a bit different to most people’s plus geographical distance complicates things further. Sorry, this is long.
My DM and I have not spoken/seen each other in over 7 years due to her awful behaviour. She lives on the other side of the world. She has written to me to tell me that she has cancer in 3 places (discovered after tests for something else), has had an operation and now staying with her long-term partner of 40 years (don’t live together) as she is not allowed to live alone. She has drugs, not in pain, and the doctors are optimistic that she has 7-10 years survival. This last part does not sound right to me - I think it is probably months not years (she is 76).
I have so many conflicting emotions I just don’t know what to do think/do. As a parent she is controlling and emotionally manipulative most of the time, and this came to a head 7 years ago when I, for the first time ever, stood up to her and she went mad. So I told her to leave my home and we’ve never spoken since. DH would email her photos of DC until he was 4 when she suddenly sent him a nasty email response so he didn’t bother after that. DC is now 8, and has never known this DGM (she saw him twice as a baby).
DH suggested I email her (she included a new email & address) a short message and go from there. Maybe a phone call depending how things go, and to fly and see her.
But, she’s on the other side of the world and the flights are ££££ (at least £1600 return plus hotels possibly) and when would I go? Soon while she is presumably still ok; or towards the end so I might be there? Do I take DS too? It would probably be more for DM’s benefit than his in these circumstances as he simply doesn’t know her and I have very rarely spoken of her. Do I visit more than once? Now and towards the end?
I simply cannot go for 6 months or however long she has left. I cannot leave DS(8) for an indefinite amount of time, nor haul him out of school and put him in one near DM’s, plus of course taking him away from his DF. I also do not want to go and stay indefinitely, unfortunately my DM is reaping what she sowed with me.
It sounds weird I know but for years I used to have nightmares about returning to my home country and not being able to return to the UK, which has been home for over 20 years. I would wake up crying and in a state of panic. My visits back over the years have resulted in me feeling desperate to get back to the UK after literally 2 days. The years, and counselling years ago, here have made me realise how toxic my DM is/was, but there was good times too.
I think of her dying without me there and I cry. Her 3 siblings all live in a neighbouring country, she’s only close to one of them. She has no family aside from her partner in my home country.
I just don’t know what to do, how to feel. I feel I have no one to talk to as I don't know anyone who doesn’t have contact with their parents, only two friends know I don’t and our friendships have drifted a bit since Covid. The flight/hotel costs will be horrific too, which is why it’s important to make the right decision on when to go. To go twice or to take DS too will mean I’ll have to desperately try and get some temp work as we can’t afford for more than me to go and only once really.