Colleague has terminal cancer. How to support (if at all)?

[Adviceneeded71]

A colleague has had cancer for several years and we have learned she is now in palliative and not expected to survive beyond another couple of months.

I don't know her very well, we are not friends in the proper sense of the word but we have always had a very good and friendly working relationship. She has been very open, almost matter of fact, about having cancer, but not talked intimately to her colleagues about how she feels about it and her fears/prognosis etc. She's a very private and guarded person and has made it clear she's not comfortable talking with us about this.

A few members of staff who know her have been made aware in confidence by our boss that she has been told by doctors that there isn't much more they can do and she is in palliative. She hasn't worked for several weeks and is not expected to work again.

Question is how to show solidarity/love/support to someone who you know professionally only, but have respect and care for. I'm not close enough to her to send a letter or email expressing my sadness and regret, she is not a friend in the true sense of the word and I think she would see this as a violation of her professional boundaries and it would make her uncomfortable. She is surrounded by friends and family and wants for nothing in terms of physical support, so I think offering practical support would be weird. I have offered practical support to her family members and they have (gratefully and respectfully) signalled to me that they don't need any.

I just want in some way to express that I've enjoyed working with her, I respect her and will miss her a lot and to hope that she is comfortable and as far at peace as possible. But I want to do it in a way which isn't intrusive and doesn't make it all about me.

Would be very grateful for any advice from people who have been through this with a family member and can advise on what's helpful and tactful.

I think if they have signalled they would like to maintain distance then this should be respected,

You could focus on colleagues, perhaps collecting a memory book on how they will be missed and what they did at work, collecting any work event photos, mainly for the family once your colleague has passed?

Dh is in this position now, and mainly he like to be caught up on the latest work gossip and drama so he has light contact with specific colleagues he knew well via linked in.

There have been some very well intended things like go fund me for holidays and gifts which are lovely, and show people are thinking of you kindly, if your colleague would enjoy flowers or has a favourite treat then that might be appropriate with a thinking of you message.

You have my sympathy as its such a hard situation to manage on both sides.

@Timeforabiscuit

Thank you and sorry for your DH’s position.

We do keep her in the loop on professional stuff (she seems to really enjoy this) and we have periodically sent cards and picture montages of social stuff.

It feels slightly inadequate to me but I recognise that’s probably a “me” problem and above all I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.

I imagine that in her last few weeks, close family and friends will be very important to her and colleagues far less so (unless they cross over into close friend territory). I don't think you need to do anything, but making a book that many colleagues contribute to would be nice, for her, but especially for her family once she has gone.

What about if you were to send a card saying the things you'd be saying if she were moving onto a new job, or retiring. You'd tell her how much you enjoyed working with her, and specify some aspects of the way she works/skills/behaviours that you particularly appreciated, maybe something you learned from her.

You might sign off 'very best wishes' or similar.

People want to know they've been loved. They want to know they've made a difference. We don't say enough nice things about people to their faces/while they're still here.

(If you regularly keep her in the loop on professional stuff there's your perfect opportunity)

Just keep being involved in the group stuff for the time being.
Sadly, the time will come when you can express to her family and close friends how much you respected and valued her, and hopefully they will find that of some comfort.

I second writing to her to let her know how much you enjoyed working with her, respect her etc.

We spend so much time at work that colleagues are a very significant part of our lives - how nice to hear that we've been a very valued colleague. I don't think it could do anything other than make her feel that she was valued, and it will mean more to her than her family when she's gone. I don't see anything negative in it at all.

Thanks everyone.

@Whataretheodds @Shortandpale thank you for those suggestions. I do think its important to show people they are valued and appreciated before they go and useful to hear that you don't think that will be intrusive.