Partner stage 4 cancer - what do I we need to do in terms of housekeeping

[Ginola2345]

Partner/DH has stage 4 cancer diagnosed a year ago. I think he is denial and its his way of coping day to day is to have his treatments but day today forget/pretend its not happening and he is just the same (he gets tired, is sometimes forgetful and sometimes clumsier).

We both get upset when talking about or thinking about the future. We are both late 50’s and both still working and have two kids in late teens.

I would like for us both to discuss all practicalities and our wants needs and priorities and then get on with living a full a life as possible together and when things take a turn for the worse (we have no idea of timelines) at least we know we have our house in order and we needn’t waste our time and energies thinking about any of that then.

Should we change the household bills into my name? We could look at pensions? Mortgage only has about 6 or 7 months to run should we leave things as they are or pay it off? Anything else we should be thinking about? Or where would I find a list? We have a joint will leaving everything to the kids equally.

Sorry yes we are married I was going to put partner so I was less identifying.

My mum has just died of stage 4 cancer, it feels weird to say unexpectedly given she had stage 4 cancer, but certainly months before she was expected to, and she left a folder with everything in it, which has been amazing for us in a really shitty time.

Financial info, including bank account numbers, login details, rough amounts.

A document with all usernames and passwords from stuff ranging from energy accounts to the dog food subscription service.

A list of direct debits from her personal bank account and her and my stepdad's joint account.

A list for my stepdad of all bills and providers, such as who does the car insurance, energy, etc.

Birth certificate, NHS card, driving licence, passport

Pension information and where her investments are held

A copy of her will and details of the solicitor dealing with it

Instructions on how to register death, how many copies of certificate, who needs to be informed.

Statement of wishes about her funeral, including suggesting some music and poems we might like to consider.

A list of family heirlooms and artwork for me, with information about each one and whether it is valuable or has sentimental value. And she added a very sweet message for me at the bottom.

She had been working on it on and off for a while as it was important to her that we had something to follow when she was gone, and it has honestly been the greatest parting gift, because we've not had to stress about going through files or finding information. Everything has been left for us and we have just followed what she's told us to do. My stepdad said he is going to do the same for his kids, having seen the difference it has made. My MIL died without a will or with anything ready, and it added hugely to a very stressful time, trying to track things down.

No problem @Ginola2345 if our family member had done what @Hugasauras mum did (sorry for your loss), this period would be so much easier for us just now.

@Hugasauras what a precious gift your mum gave you so you could have an easier time during those early days, she sounds wonderful.

What a loving caring kind person to do all this for you at this time.

@Hugasauras I have stage 4 cancer and have always done all our life admin and financial management. I have been doing all these things in readiness even though I'm stable now and have multiple options for treatment and hopefully many years to live at this point. My dad had left everything very organised for us and it was super useful and much appreciated.

I've nothing to add to the excellent ideas above but wanted to say I'm thinking of you

Thanks all, she really was a marvel.

I wish you and your husband all the best, OP

The only other thing I would add is to check whether he has death in service benefit at work. If so, he should make sure his expression of wishes is up-to-date. It might also influence his decision when things get worse about whether or not to see if his employer will support him taking unpaid leave rather than leaving the company altogether.

Would he consider completing something like this or this?

I’m sorry you’re going through this

I hope you don't mind if I join in this thread? I am in a similar position. DH is very sanguine about what is happening to him & is making sure all the financial stuff is in order - he's got a couple of pensions to pay out early, I have all the passwords etc.
After reading this thread I suggested moving the utilities & internet accounts into my name but he seemed to think it was a bit complicated & would involve opening new accounts. Could someone tell me exactly what we need to d?. I think he did try with BT a couple of months ago but didn't get anywhere.
Good point about transferring the car as well.
I also need to have the conversation about funeral wishes. It's all so awful 😞

Thanks all and yes @Radiohorror and sorry you are in this position too.

DH is gadget/IT man and has recently bought more gadgets a cordless lawn mower, strimmer etc and I always forget how to use things and have to ask him to remind me which is adding to my stress levels.

He has a pension and I am the beneficiary. He wants to work as long as poss and is is lucky that he would receive 12 months sick pay on full pay.

He claims he is still the same and doesn’t feel any different but he gets tired easy, is sleeping more and more and getting more forgetful and clumsy, his body hair has stopped growing or fallen out and he has lost weight. Some days I am ok and soldier on but yesterday I was very tearful.

I haven’t really progressed any with this as he got tearful and upset and it was awful. I decided its up to him I will have to deal with whatever he wants.

I'm sorry that you're in the same position.

It wasn't difficult at all for me to be the named person on the utilities. Early on my husband called then she arranged for me to be added as being able to manage the bills/speak to customer services. Then in the last few weeks I called them and asked to be main contact rather than the secondary one. And that was it. That was a while ago, but I can't see why that should have changed.

All the best x

Ugh. 'Called them and arranged...'!

Thank you. I'll have to broach the subject again :(

I am sorry you are in this situation. One small thing to consider is Bereavement Support Allowance is more if you claim Child Benefit, so if you didn’t bother claiming earlier because of your income, maybe worth claiming now and paying the High Income Child Benefit Charge.

If there is anything I can do… by Caroline Voaden is a good book on supporting a bereaved person, written by a widow who had two very young children. Perhaps helpful for your family or friends, so they can support you.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned it upthread but do you know the passwords and account numbers etc.

This must be so hard for you. I'm so sorry you are both facing this. I'd be doing as the poster above suggested. I'd also try to get lots of photos of your DH with the teens.

Contact Marie Curie charity

Not sure if this is your situation but maybe he'd be willing to organise everything so you know where to find it if needed.
Also, it helps having joint accounts.
MrW also did all the insurance and bills. I didn't even understand insurance. I had to learn. Some utilities will add you or switch you over and some you'll need to set up your own account. There's no way round it.

If the worse happened, then as soon as you get through to a supplier, say you need to speak to the bereavement department. Those people are awesome.