Best way to support friend with cancer

[applepie44]

I have a friend who is being treated for cancer - going through chemo with surgery to come - and I just wanted to ask people who have been through similar, what did you want from your friends? What helped and what didn't?

I mean mostly in terms of emotional/conversational support as opposed to practical, meal prep etc.

I'm never sure how much to talk about it, to ask questions, or to take her mind off it with other topics.

Obviously everyone is different but I'm wondering if there's a common thread of what is helpful.

Follow her lead. Some people like talking about their cancer treatment, others prefer to talk about normal things.. Certainly ask how it’s all going, but then don’t press them if they start talking about Eastenders or the weather.

Try not to be over sympathetic it can be really triggering. The key is to recognise when your friend may just need a hug and when they just want to feel normal.
The worst thing you can do is to rock up with all the latest “cancer curing” ideas. And don’t be upset if they just reject your company or advice. It won’t be personal.

Cancer affects people differently. I was happy to talk about it with friends and family but I did keep a low profile if I was feeling low. I also went through treatment during the pandemic so no one was allowed to go with me to appointments.
Don’t forget that the diagnosis will be impacting their whole family who will be protective and may resent too much attention from friends. At the same time they may want a break so will be glad to see you. I tried to explain to people that as the patient I could deal with the cancer but my DH & DS actually needed more support because they felt pretty helpless. It’s difficult to explain, as the patient your focus is on your family and how they are coping rather than on yourself.
It’s a scary time, but you are carried along by the treatment. Your focus is on getting rid of the cancer from your body so active treatment feels very positive. You are actually doing something. It’s the waiting in between to see if it is working that is hard.

Thanks for these insights. The point about the treatment feeling positive is definitely something she's mentioned.

I'm not so close to her that I would intrude/get involved in her family life. But we meet for coffees and chats. I do try to follow her lead but when she changes the subject or asks about me I'm never sure if it's just to be polite, or because she genuinely doesn't want to think about her treatment for a bit.

I’m going through chemo right now. I appreciate people checking in on me. I don’t like being asked to reveal details about my cancer like the size, stage etc. I don’t like people saying ‘you must be feeling xyz’. Don’t tell me how to feel please. I don’t like sad or horrified looks when I say I’m doing chemo. Just ask how it’s going and I’ll tell you.

I’ve received some thoughtful gifts like warm socks, nice hand cream, puzzles which have been appreciated. Lots of people have brought meals. My teens were very grateful to the person who sent a generous ubereats voucher. If DH and I are late back from an appt they can order themselves a pizza or whatever.

Mostly I just appreciate being remembered. It can be quite lonely going through treatment. Getting a text or call gives me a real lift.

Most of us over on the cancer thread detest being told we are brave or inspiring. We are just getting by day by day as best we can. The best friends are the ones that listen and ask how they can help. The worst are the ones who come with stories about acquaintances or relatives who had cancer treatment and died. If you are going to offer meals ask what your friend likes. Don’t assume soup is good for her. Don’t ask what her prognosis is. Just listen and take your lead from her. If you do that she will be lucky to have you

Make it clear you are there to chat if she wants to, but understand if she doesn’t. Having people “check in” is nice, especially if they understand there will be times you feel too unwell to engage. I got dumped by some friends who clearly didn’t know how to deal with it which hurt. Being available for the practicalities if you can is great, DH usually took me to Chemo but couldn’t a couple of times and it was nice be able to ask for help from people who had already offered so you did feel like you were imposing.

I think you will be a very good friend as you have asked what will help. The main thing for me is not to just disappear acting like it's catching or the people who ask how you are, you reply and then they message 3 months later asking again same happens and appear they just want gossip. I like people who stay in touch, and ask how I feel. I would generally mirror how they are. I like sympathy rather than positivity but some people want positivity. Generally a moaning, worrying person sympathy and a positive person positivity. Scans to check are scary. When you are finished it can come back at stage 4 at some point even 20 odd years later. You also cannot just bounce back day chemo finishes the effects go on though its great when it's over. If they are really bad, one day at a time, one stage at a time helps. Avoid food advice and also food gifts be very careful with infection risk. Days out can be helpful but they may or may not feel up to it. And low risk for infection such as outside can be better.

I have a friend going through this at the moment. I agree with the person who said that too much sympathy can be really awkward. He does like to talk about it but he hates it when I do the 'I'm so sorry' face.

It's a bit of a minefield to know what to say sometimes. If I feel unsure or overwhelmed I just tell him and we talk about my feelings around it too, how I feel a bit awkward and care about him but don't know what he needs.

So I think the best way is to be real and honest with your friend if you're feeling unsure!

He will tell sometimes be able to tell me quite directly what helps and what doesn't, or what he wants at that specific time (it can change from day to day as well along with his emotions!)

I was happy with lots of sympathy but will vary by person and also be careful not to come over as your life is so awful now you can only be pitied. Or that the person is just cancer now so can still ask about other things. It can vary day by day how you feel and steroids can give big mood swings. Also sometimes you are really tired but can always ask do you feel like a chat today. If in doubt ask them but generally someone caring enough to keep in touch means a lot even if they do say the wrong thing sometimes. I would avoid stories about others with cancer that lived to 90 as there are so many different diagnosis and there's also lots that didn't make it. I would happily discuss all of my diagnosis but some don't so would wait for person to volunteer or not.