Anyone got a partner with Stage 4 cancer?

[Thisolduseragain]

I'm just reaching out here.

I am not coping emotionally.

DH was diagnosed at Stage 3 grade 2, 4 years ago.
Discovered by chance, he was super-fit, and no risk factors.

There was a 60% chance of it spreading and we hoped for the best. He got 2.5 years with no sign of it.

18 months ago it spread although it's slow growing there is no current cure.
The best we can hope for is stability and time.

Chemo doesn't work so he's on other treatments that may slow it down. He's on a trial (but on the conventional drug not the new one) and has scans every 8 weeks. I am just in bits each time.

So far , the treatment has halted it, but it won't work forever.

He won't ask how long, partly as it's different for everyone.

But he certainly won't be cured unless any new treatments come along.

If you are like us, how are you coping?

Our future has been taken away from us and I can't get my head round it.

@Thisolduseragain there's a thread In here called the storm, feel free to join us on there

Hopefully this link works :

The storm part 3 http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lifelimitingg_illness/4729740-the-storm-part-3

Yes. DH diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. Thanks to cockups & ridiculously huge delays before radiotherapy started, his cancer grew and spread, so there is now a larger inoperable tumour. After radiotherapy there will be a 3 month wait to have a scan to see how things look, but we know the radiotherapy won’t be curative.

I am coping by not allowing it to be true. It can’t be. The moment reality pokes through a tiny chink in my armour I just feel blinding panic and absolute terror of what the future will hold, so I close it down and make it so it isn’t really happening again.

I clicked on the link above hours ago & the second post was someone coming up to the anniversary of her DH’s death. I couldn’t read any more at the time. I’ve popped back on and tried a few more posts but can’t cope with the reality that may soon be mine. (Maybe I will be able to join you another day notapizzaeater so thank you for linking)

I’m sorry you (and so, so many others) are also going through this

I am up and down OP.

DH was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer that had already spread elsewhere at diagnosis nearly a year ago. At the moment he is largely ok, still working etc but he is definitely more tired and has some symptoms related to his cancer and the treatments.

He tries to be positive and I try to follow his lead most of the time (but its not always possible). I/we alternate between carrying on as normal while we can for as long as we can (almost pretending its not happening). But letting him rest when he needs to (no two days are the same). To talking and thinking about some practicalities at a high level, to being tearful at the thought of our lost future together and our lost retirement adventures that will be taken from us too soon.

At least the kids are late teens now as it would have been a lot worse when they were younger. But DH has come into his own in the teen years and both our two idolise him and are closer to him now than when they were younger (when I was all they wanted) it is still very unfair and almost unbelievable. Our poor dog is also in his senior years so his health is also getting worse.

Things like this seem to happen to the very best people. I would rather it was me than DH then I feel guilty and ungrateful for thinking this and also I think he would do better on his own without me (as he is more resourceful and independent) than I will do without him then I think I have to be strong and find a way to do this as I am naturally quite emotional. We got together fairly late in life so also had children fairly late. We put our lives on hold for the kids and had no family support (so lost out socially and I lost a lot of friends along the way as our lives changed in different directions) we also do almost everything together so everything will be all the harder when the time comes but also it is too hard to change now.

You will have good days and bad days OP. Do you have anyone in real life to talk to and support you?

Take care xx

Thanks to both of you.
I too clicked on the link but moved on too @FutureUncertain

I'm so sorry you are also going through this.

I feel very angry a lot of the time (partly with DH) because his cancer was picked up during a scan for something else (longstanding but minor) when it was already Stage 3. He had 2.5 years before the secondaries showed up.

He was super-fit, sporty, and took great care of his health.

I think it's the being in limbo that is so hard- but of course the alternative (being given life-expectancy) would be harder perhaps.

I am the same as you @Ginola2345 as our retirement years are lost. DH travelled the world with work- loved it- and this was due to be our time. At the moment, his cancer doesn't give him any symptoms but the treatment does! Mainly tiredness and gut issues.

Our children are older but they are still too young to lose a Dad!

Like you @Ginola2345 he's my best friend and we do a lot together, I do have friends in RL but my closest friends live too far away to see often.

It's tough isn't it?

Sending you both love x

In similar situation here. DH diagnosed just over a year ago with stage 4 cancer - with spread to lymph nodes and bone. Has had radiotherapy and on medication but not curable and as you say feel in limbo really as no knowing how long before it starts to become more of a problem. You wouldn't really know he is ill at the moment so yes, a lot of the time I don't think about it, it is like it isn't really happening but I know that it is. Have just lost another close family member recently too which has brought it all home a bit.

Love to you all - it is so hard isn't it?