I feel terrible for saying this...

[BrewandBiscuit]

but I want my mum to die. She has been very poorly for years. Cancer is an absolute bitch. She has no quality of life at all. She has been in hospital with pneumonia for weeks. She came out on Friday but has been blue lighted back in again this morning with very low sats, very high heart rate and unable to breathe. She can no longer be cannulated, her picc line has failed and she is refusing visitors (which is not like her at all). Even if she gets over the pneumonia, her quality of life is non existent and I know she has had enough.

I feel so awful today. Waiting for news from the hospital, knowing how shit she feels, knowing not much more can be done, knowing she doesn't want to see people. I just want all this to be over for her, and selfishly for me and the family. I just want her to be at peace and I cannot say that to anybody out loud😢

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's so hard to watch family members decline in the last parts of this kind of illness. Please don't feel terrible for saying what you said. I think a lot of people feel that way. Sometimes knowing a loved one has been released from their suffering is relieving, even though we miss them terribly. You sound like a loving and caring daughter.

It comes from a place of love. Don’t be ashamed of your thoughts, it sounds like you have seen your mum suffer and wanting that to stop is entirely understandable.

I wished for the same both when my Mum and my sister passed. I miss them both so much but I’m so glad that there is no more suffering for them.

honestly, the medical staff around her will absolutely understand x

Don't feel terrible, when my older relative was dying I just remember thinking how long would it be? It comes from a place of love, you no longer want her to suffer anymore. It's natural to feel that way. It's also mentally hard on you to see your mum go through this. I hope she finds peace soon.

Yes, this is what I think as well. So sorry you are going through this.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, I think you’d be surprised how many people find themselves thinking the same thing.

It’s not you being awful, it’s you recognising that circumstances are cruel and the endurance is cruel to all involved.

I’m sorry that things are so tough for you and your dm right now.

It's totally normal. My mother had dementia, it was horrendous. At the time I was desperate for her to go because she was suffering so badly. Don't feel bad.

You don’t need to feel bad for thinking this. It’s a normal way to feel about a person you love who is suffering.

I’m sure your feelings are very common for those who have to watch a loved one suffer through illness or a decline in their quality of life.

I had a similar mindset when my FIL was diagnosed with a brain tumour and was not the same person - he would have hated to be reliant on personal care and unable to speak or go for a walk independently. It was heartbreaking when he died, but we mourned the man he had been, not the way he was at the end. We prefer to not remember how he was in hospital, it’s too distressing.

My late GM said the same, she said I hope my body gives up before I lose my marbles! It was hard to hear but at 95 she was realistic about the end of her life and was trying to help us prepare for that.

All the best,OP. I hope you have support in real life.

I know that feeling @BrewandBiscuit. It's not selfish. No one is benefitting from your mum's ongoing illness. I watched my Dad die slowly 30 years ago, with no quality of life.

I can't offer any practical help of course, just solidarity and validation that your feelings are ok!! Even normal.

I know I'll be slammed by people with opposing views, with great religious faith. I don't share these, but I have faced the desperation of being very close to someone in such poor health that their quality of life has entirely gone. This has shaped my views without doubt. It sounds awful, but I breathed a sigh of relief when DDad died.

I wish you mental strength for the coming days.

Don't feel bad. If it helps, I also want my mum to die. I pray it for it every time I see her. She had advanced dementia and it's a horrible horrible life.

My MIL wanted her mum to die. She was blind, deaf, bed bound, no idea who anyone was, couldn’t talk or eat solid food. It’s perfectly reasonable to want someone you love to die if they are suffering with no chance of recovery. Don’t beat yourself up over it - it’s the “right” way to feel IMO.

It's not bad to want someone you love to not suffer anymore.
My mum is 96 and has been in the same bed in the same room in a nursing home for 8 years. She has advanced dementia and is blind she's doubly incontinent and is bed bound. She always said to me if I lose it or have an incurable illness kill me - I can't do this but I have often thought of it and I wish there'd be an end to it all.

You are not terrible at all. Your mother is suffering and you are realistic enough to understand that things are not going to get better for her. I hope for both your sakes that she does not have to suffer for much longer.

I'm sorry you and your mum are going through it, but as everyone else says, your reaction is normal and driven by compassion.
I was fortunate that my parents had always taken the view that at a certain point, something like pneumonia is 'the old man's friend' - they knew when they'd had enough and refused active treatment.

I'm so sorry you are all going through this. It must be so difficult for you all. I hope you have lots of support.

When my elderly Dads cancer was confirmed as being 100% untreatable we were all relieved when he caught Covid and died. That sounds harsh but it's true. He was ok with it too. When he died we all felt an overwhelming amount of relief. It actually gives us a lot of comfort that he died so soon after his diagnoses. It made the grieving process so much easier for us too. I don't know if we are an unusually pragmatic family but he had lived a good life and was loved and a quick Covid death was surely better than the alternative. The hospital staff were amazing and discussed everything with my Dad.

I was in a similar place late last year after my DH50 held on in a hospice for almost 3 months - he had brain tumour glioblastoma multiforme, dubbed “The Terminator”. Towards the end I just wanted him to go instead of seeing him completely incapacitated, having lost himself and everything that made him a person. I resented the drugs in syringe drivers, I wanted to rip them up and throw them out of the window.

I totally sympathise. 💔

I felt the same. My DM was 90 and just lost the love of her life - married to my dad for 65 years. She was also suffering with dementia.
She hated me. Accusing me of everything under the sun. I felt so awful but knew she wouldn’t want to carry on.

As it was, she had a fall at the care home, was admitted to hospital for 2 days and was then discharged. She’d forgotten how to walk and eat. When she was spoon fed, she couldn’t swallow. This led to her aspirating and getting pneumonia.

She died a week after the fall. People said it was a blessing and I understood what they meant but I’d lost both paren within 4 months. Unfortunately death isn’t the end as I’m finding out dealing with their estate.

I miss my mum so much. The mum I had for 60 years. I miss chatting with my dad.
I miss calling them on the phone for a chat, taking them out for a meal which they loved.

Im dreading Mother’s Day, their birthdays. Father’s Day. My birthday.

💐

My mum had a brain tumour way back in dark ages. It took two years for her to go bit by bit, but we knew why if not when. My Mil contracted sepsis and that was very rapid, we knew both the why and when of that. In both cases it was a relief - no more pain or loss of dignity.

Your feelings are complely natural- you love her and want her suffering to end. Try and focus on anything you can do to bring her comfort now- is she gettng the care and pain relief she needs? Would she is better in a hospice? Can you write something spuortive and loving that can be read out to her.

I am so, so sorry you are in this position. I was too and I wanted my mum to die too. When it happened, I was upset, but mostly relieved.