Explaining Grandad's Illness

[Whyismypastasohot]

I have three children, aged 8, 6 and 2. My eldest two and I lived with my parents after my marriage broke down so they were very close to them. They still are with my Mum, however my Dad has been less and less himself for many months and my eldest has pulled away from him. He has recently been diagnosed with PSP, which is a rare but more progressive form of Parkinsons (in layman's terms). I am broken in light of my Dad's diagnosis. He was my hero growing up and he has never ceased to be. But not without good reason. He is/was incredibly intelligent - I mean ridiculously so. He was always very shy but when he had something to say it was worth hearing. He was/is my idol. But now he's been diagnosed with this horrendous thing that is just degrading him, as it would anyone, to an ineffectual human who will only live a few years.

My girls and I lived with my parents after my marriage broke down and, for a period of time, the two of them were the second parent. In every which way that mattered. While I was trying to settle one, they were with the other.

And so Grandad not being "Grandad" is a big deal to them. I haven't addressed it yet. But I know I need to.

So, how should I talk to my children, 8 and 6, about what's happening to their Grandad?

I'm so sorry this is happening to your dad, he sounds a truly remarkable person.

the person best placed to know what your kids need is you, but in my experience they will each need something different in terms of depth.

the most important thing is to be honest and to remind them that it doesn’t change how much he loves them, just that he’s not able to show them anymore in the way that he used to. The older one might have more questions, the youngest probably won’t really understand. If you tell them that it’s your turn to look after him now just as he has looked after you all then it can help them to understand how the relationship is changing.

good luck, so sorry it sounds so awful

At that age, I'd keep it simple and not tell them everything all at once. Something like: The doctor has told us that Grandad is ill. He has something called PSP.

No need to go into further detail straightaway. It's possible that his condition and their understanding will change over time so i 'd keep the conversation open by saying up front: Do you have any questions? You can ask any time and I'll try to answer them.

Thank you. That's such a lovely response. And I really think it might help the girls to understand that I need to look after Grandad now, just as I did them. My eldest especially, who has been more aware of what's going on, is very receptive to other peoples needs. That is an additional conversation to have with her - I don't want her to take it on and she should pass anything difficult back to me.

My mum was diagnosed with dementia when my son was preschool (though she showed signs when he was a baby), and we just said that grannys brain wasn't very well, and that sometimes she found things difficult that she could do before. It was really important that I validated ds's feelings about how mum was at any particular point because sometimes it was really hurtful, and he needed to grieve for the loss of her as a grandparent as well.
Take their lead - if your eldest has pulled away from him, thats OK. If there is something he might enjoy doing with, or alongside her you can encourage that. But equally you can acknowledge that he isn't the same, and offer an option - mummy is going to take grandad in the garden this afternoon, do you want to come with me, bake with nanny, or shall we pack your craft set and you can do that?