If you have a poorly spouse...

[mileaminnie]

If you have a poorly spouse are you honest when people text you to check in?

DH's cancer has come back, really quite aggressively. He started another cycle of chemo last week and I have never seen him so ill . He's lost 12kg over 10 days, he's weak, he's depressed, he's in and out of hospital under palliative care for pain relief as the morphine just isn't touching it.
Basically he's really poorly.
We live in a different country to all our friends and family so it's just me and him but we have a LOT of well meaning friends and family that text most days asking for updates and offering support.
Practically, there's no support they can give us but I'm getting tired of having to update everyone. Because it's so shit. Every day it's the same thing
And I have nothing good to tell them. I find myself over explaining just how poorly he is because I've got no one to vent to face to face and it got me thinking - should I really be telling them? Do they really want to know? Or are they just being polite?
It's depressing having to say every day "no he isn't any better, he's lost even more weight, he's so low and thinks he can't do the next chemo session" etc. It's like I'm infecting them with the sadness.
It's a good friends bday today and she just text me asking how he is. I don't want to tell her the truth, yes me and him are going through it but I feel .... guilty...(?) having to tell everyone else.

This probably doesn't make much sense, thanks if you got this far

I don’t have a poorly spouse, but my Dad was diagnosed with cancer last week, so I can empathise with you.

We haven’t told many people yet, but the ones I have told have so far been sympathetic and provided an ear and shoulder.

If you were my friend I’d want you to be honest with me, if you’re having a hard time I’d want to know and try to help.

I’m sorry that you are going through this x

You need to set up a what’s ap group or a group email so you can give everyone an update without constantly repeating yourself but do remember that people are contacting you because they care.

Oops - when our son was ill we put a daily message on the ansaphone

I'm sorry to hear this. I agree it can be helpful to set up a group on WhatsApp or FB and say you'll only update there. My cousin did this and it worked well.

Yes to WhatsApp or FB messenger groups. If not tech savvy delegate a group of people to one person so you only have to tell 3 people, they tell 3 others, etc.

MIL found this really overwhelming when FIL was sick so we all took responsibility for a 'wing' of the family communications.

So sorry to hear this op

I've recently been the friend in this situation. It's ok to not want to update people all the time. They are wanting to show they care and they are upset but they surely don't want to put anything more on you than you already have to deal with. You don't have to carry their emotions as well as your own.

A WhatsApp group or just deleting to one person you update and they update everyone else sounds like a good idea

I agree. Set up a group update and tell the truth. For me, I'd want the truth no matter how hard it is to hear. Anyone who doesn't can not use it. Don't feel bad if some people can't read it or respond. Everyone is different. It doesn't mean they don't care.

I'd confide in one really good mutual friend that updating everyone is now feeling like an extra pressure or job, than an important source of support for you and your DH.

They can then do a group text or Whatsapp to say you both really appreciate everyone's love and concerns but times are now v difficult for DH and so understandably you won't be updating anymore as the two of you need to concentrate on your time together.

Thanks all.
The WhatsApp group is a good idea.
Truth be told I just want to throw my phone in the bin (or maybe just use it for mind numbing social media to take my mind off it all)
We've been at the hospital all day and the doc expressed some concerns that the chemo isn't working.
I then look at my phone and I've got a message from one of DH friends just '???' Because he messaged me last night and I didn't get back to him.
I'm just exhausted with it all but you guys have given me some good ideas for dealing with it. Thanks all

That question mark message is really not ok. I'm so sorry someone thought it was alright to send that to you. Your job is to support DH, and everyone else's job is to support you. Look up ring theory or circles of grief, and maybe send a link to the person who sent you that message!

The WhatsApp or Facebook group is great, it's what my brother did when my nephew was in intensive care. We all understood why. I would suggest you mute it too so that you aren't being constantly pinged.

Wishing you and DH all the best.

The ??? is just rude.

While obviously DH's friends are worried about him and upset, their upset is for them to deal with.

Over and over working in hospices you see people come to visit, and not have any insight that while they are upset they are losing someone - that person actually feels like shite and is not up to hosting them, their visit is intruding on the small time each day they feel alert and able to interact with their immediate family.

You don't need to handle other people's upset as well as your own. Get a message out to everyone that there will be no more updates and if your DH wants to see anyone you will contact them directly.

If the people know each other a WhatsApp group is fine but I preferred to use the broadcast function on WhatsApp which sends the same message to lots of people, but is not a WhatsApp group where everyone can chat to each other, if that makes sense.
So you set up a list of who is in the broadcast and the message will go to them all. Also set your status to busy.

I would sometines send something like 'here's an update on DH, this is a group message as I'm concentrating on him just now. Unfortunately his pain levels aren't good today but the team are working on it. I know you're all sending good wishes, we really appreciate it even if I can't always reply'.
For family or close friends who were maybe getting more detail I told one person and said please tell XYZ. Sometimes different time zones meant I had a friend to talk to in the middle of the night if I couldn't sleep.
For people sending ??? I'd be tempted to send back something equally rude, what a dick.
💐 💐