Relative with Terminal Cancer - unsure what to do!

[ditzydoodle]

Hi all,

I have a family member who was diagnosed with terminal cancer in 2020.
They we’re originally given a rough estimate of 3 months left due to the type of cancer (outing if I state what this is, but is one of the ‘worst’ cancers with poor outcomes) and as a family we rallied round and tried to make them comfortable. They have been having chemo to extend life.
In true ‘stubbornness’ as we call it, they have outlived what the doctor’s have said and are still around in 2022! The family member has had quite a few issues since being diagnosed and has been in hospital many times.
Recently they have deteriorated and we have been advised that the chemo is being stopped and that they are effectively being put on end of life care.
Now this is where my selfishness and general ‘blasé ness’ comes into it. Due to some family situations, I have not seen my relative in quite a few months and I am now torn on what to do.
I think I’ve just been suppressing this all and trying to remain calm and level headed that I am coming across as not giving a shit (which is so untrue, i cry quite regularly for my family member when I am alone)
In a way I do not want to see them because I have been told by others that my relative is completely unrecognisable and I don’t want my last memory to be of them so unwell but also this family member means so much to me and I can’t bear the thought of not getting to say my final ‘goodbye’

Do any of you regret not saying goodbye to a family member who were end of life?. I am just so heartbroken at the thought of losing this person that everything is just so muddled in my head and I just do not know what to do or say or how to react and I am fully aware how selfish I am and I hate myself for it.

Thank you in advance.
DD x

Just go and see them.

I think you've answered your own question... go and see them! Put yourself in their shoes, it might be really hurting them that they might never get the chance to see you again. That's more important.

Yes, I couldn't bring myself to see a DA in my teens. I still regret it to this day.

The thing is it will haunt you for the rest of your days. When my sister was dying, she didn’t look like herself anymore as there was so little left of her. She was hugely happy that I came to be with her. Yes, I had to leave the room to have a weep, and then go back in and sit with her.
It was 2005 when Nadal was doing his first Wimbledon and she just loved him. I sat and watched it all with her and it brought her so much pleasure. She died on the 5th of July. Those are the things I remember, but more so my memories now are often about us growing up and how much we laughed .
Go see your relative, be the bigger person. It’s hard enough to be dying without your loved ones turning away in disgust. You will never forgive yourself if you don’t. This is part of life ; the good bits and the tough bits. Do it.

Yes. I regret it. They will most likely want to see you. It's horrible seeing someone when they are beaten by a disease but they are still them inside, and that's what matters.

Would they well enough to ring them for a chat before actually visiting? That might be an easier first step.

I’m sure you don’t mean it to me but there’s a lot about you and what you’d like and little about how your relative would feel if they saw you.

I didn't see my grandmother once she was hospitalised, in my case I was away for 3 weeks, I knew she was going downhill and went to see her the day before we flew. She pressed money into my hand and told me to bring her back a fridge magnet - on my return (this is pre mobile phones) there was a message to say she was in the hospital and go immediately if I wanted to, the hospital said I was welcome whatever the time (was past midnight) I chose not to go because I wanted my last memory to be nice. A bit selfish but it was right for me then

Actually can't believe that you put such importance on having a nice last memory that you are willing to let your relative die a lonely death.

Your relative will know that you've done this. Their last thoughts of you will be that you turned away at their time of need. Doesn't that haunt you more than the thought of not having the perfect last memory?

This is not about you OP. It does say a lot about you though.

Go and see them. I wasn't allowed to go and see my dad because I had flu. There's not a day I don't feel resentful of not being there. Honestly, go and see them.

I don’t want my last memory to be of them so unwell

Your relative is the one suffering and dying, and you've managed to make it all about you and your comfort level. Perhaps it's best if you don't visit them.

Some of the pps are harsh. It is understandable you have mixed feelings - it isn’t easy to see someone you love desperately ill. But if you can go, please go. Better for you, better for your relative. Yes you will find it upsetting but there is something extremely important about knowing you gave them that last comfort and support, told them you loved them, made them smile and feel the warmth of your company. Even if they struggle to express it, seeing you will make such a difference to them. Don’t hesitate - go.

Thank you so much for all of your responses.

I am fully aware how selfish I am and I do realise it says more about me than anything. There’s so many different factors that I can’t post because it is outing but it is along the lines of family members falling out with other relatives, people being refused access etc and as I’m still fairly young (late 20’s) I’m a bit muddled and hollow.

i have thought about it and I believe I will go and see them. Myself and a few other relatives (who are also unsure if they will go) have discussed this and we will all be going. It’s just a shock more than anything to the family that they are still around 2 years after diagnosis that I think some of us had mentally prepared ourselves back in 2020 for the ‘imminent death’ as the hospital had described it, that the fact they are still around to the day is just unbelievable.

Thank you all & for being so brutally honest. I do appreciate it and understand completely all of your points.

DD x

That sounds like the right decision. I really hope it goes ok.

Your “last” memory won’t be the only memory. In time, the balance will be towards the happy, warm memories of their life and not on the more recent situation. I say that as someone who has been bereaved in a similar way a few times, sadly. Inside that body that’s unwell and can seem scary, is the person who you love and care about.

I understand how hard this feels, but I think going to see them is the right thing to do- for both of you.

When my Mum was dying, she weighed less than 40kg and looked like a little skeleton. Aspects of her illness were very distressing to witness. But she was still my Mum and I wanted to spend time with her. After she died, those memories remained at the forefront of my mind for some time, which was really upsetting, but over time they were replaced by memories of her as a younger, healthy woman: my Mum.

I don’t think you’ll regret going to see your relative, even though it’ll be tough.

What do they want though?

I was kept away from a hospice in someone’s last week because she didn’t want to see anyone. I think she didn’t want anyone to see her like that. It’s not about you.

after my dad died in similar circumstances, I rather wish there had been a way to avoid it. Of course it’s much worse for the patient.

but please make sure they want to see you.

ok, in the kindest possible way, this is about them not you. I say this after my mother died last month of something that sounds very similar, albeit without the chemo.
You get in contact and ask if they are happy to see visitors. If so you go when they say you can. Do not be late as any visit will be timed around their good and bad times and what they can cope with. Take flowers and cake - I know it is a cliche but they are so appreciated. If not send a letter/card. If they have a partner, don't forget them after your relative has gone.
hand hold.

My daughters and I nursed my husband at home until the end. If I consciously think back to those days, yes, I remember what he looked like in those last weeks. But that's not how I remember him when I think about him. I remember him as the strong and healthy person that he was for all the years we were together, until his diagnosis.

Also just thought
my dad refused visits from nephew and in laws even before he was in palliative care.

i'd forgotten all about it tbh, but now I remember they were offended. Well, the nephew wasn't, but the in laws were.

It's true that, about what the person wants. They don't necessarily want to be remembered as feeble and frail, nor to scare you with their illness. Also it can be very important what their carer/partner wants. They are everything and it's so hard on them. Carer, gatekeeper, person dealing with imminent loss of loved one, person who everyone asks/turns to for the whys and wherefores. It's all horribly difficult.

My relative died this evening. I managed to see them and spend a few hours and they passed away whilst I was here in the most horrific circumstances.
I am beyond devastated but so glad I was able to see them and spend their final hours with them. X

@ditzydoodle I'm so very sorry for your loss; it sounds like a traumatic experience, but also like you did the right thing for yourself, and for your relative. I hope you can take a little bit of comfort in that.