About a memory I had of my Grandma dying

[Anon778833]

My Grandma passed away from bowel cancer quite some years ago. She was quite old - 85 but I still miss her today. The last time I saw her, she told me she thought she was getting better.

I remember at the time my dad telling me that he had decided not to tell her that she was dying. I think this is wrong, surely? I wouldn't want to be patronised in this way if I were terminally ill. Is it common for families to keep this sort of thing from each other?

Really? I feel like if someone dies not knowing they were dying, they wouldn't be so 'ready'.

You say this was some years ago?

20 years ago? 40 years ago?

Did your granny have any dementia or similar?
Did your dad have PoA?

This happened with my DDad. Was 38 years ago. It was suggested by the Drs in hospital, so would probably have been more common back in the day.

If I was in my final weeks of life I wouldn’t want to know. I think it’s dependent on the person. At the age of 85 I am sure she knew deep down that she didn’t have decades left anyway. I can understand your dad’s decision not to give her that worry.

I’ve nursed 3 of my close relatives through terminal bowel cancer. I think everyone knows when they’re about to die / terminally ill. But oddly enough in my own limited experience they all sort of perked up a few days before they died and said they felt better and then suddenly went downhill! So it may actually be nothing to do with what anyone said, or if they knew they were dying or not. I do think it was more common in times past to not tell people their prognosis.

It was 25 years ago. Not sure if my dad had POA but yeah I can see your point about being that age etc. I just worry that you can die and be in limbo, not having accepted this.

It was very common until the 1960s. The closest relative would be told and they would decide if the patient should be told.

I suppose it could be said that a close relative would probably know whether or not someone would wish to know but I think it's awful, personally. People should have the chance to put their affairs in order, say goodbye etc.

People aren't stupid though, I suppose they'd ask point blank if they wanted to know.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Both my ddad and my dsis's fiance died of bowel cancer. Both were told by the doctors that they had hours or days left and it was so horrible watching them trying to deal with it. My sister was phoned from the hospital by her fiance and he apologised for the bad news he had to deliver to her.

It felt cruel. I don't think that I'd like to know personally.

You also find that the doctor may have told both grandma and father separately

Then father and grandma don’t talk to each other about it for fear of upsetting the other, this is a common scenario between family members.

It happens quite a lot. Personally if it was me I wouldn’t want to know either way. You can never be ready. Your gran would of known she was seriously ill and I think for her thinking she was getting better would have boosted her up. I’d think that’s the best way to go rather then being scared and counting days down.

My grandma refused to tell my grandad he had dementia. By the time he died he had no understanding of what it was anyway but in the earlier days of his diagnosis when he still had quite a bit of awareness and would get frustrated with his memory and put himself down as stupid I thought it was incredibly cruel.

I had a friend who passed last year of bowel cancer. She was in the news actually and while she knew she wouldn’t survive her mum and step dad were told how long she had. She didn’t want to know and we didn’t blame her.

I don't know if DH knows. I know how long he's been given and I think he knows he is dying but I have no way of knowing for sure and it is not something I can drop into casual conversation, when he was first diagnosed he certainly wasn't that keen on knowing what his prognosis was so never asked.

@bloodywhitecat

I don't know if DH knows. I know how long he's been given and I think he knows he is dying but I have no way of knowing for sure and it is not something I can drop into casual conversation, when he was first diagnosed he certainly wasn't that keen on knowing what his prognosis was so never asked.

I have an incurable brain tumour. When I was told that it couldn't be cured (although is currently treatable and I'm praying it stays that way for a long time), my oncologist asked me whether I'd like to know roughly how long people with my type of tumour have. I was bloody horrified and said no. Under no circumstances do I ever want to know.

One day when the end is near, I'm sure I'll know inside I don't have long left but I can tell you for sure that I wouldn't want to hear it from anyone.

When my Nan was dying in hospital, we were told she had 2 months left. She asked us whether we knew how long she had and all my aunts and uncles said no. One day when no one was with her, she asked the doctor. It broke her to hear it. It was painful to watch how sad she was. I'll never forget her saying she wasn't ready to die but knowing it wasn't far off.

Hope is a very powerful thing, I'd never want to take that from someone.

Sending you

I didn't tell my Mum - she had hope until the very end. I am at peace with that

@trunktoes

I didn't tell my Mum - she had hope until the very end. I am at peace with that

Yes I think that's best.

Always better to feel hope.

It's interesting to hear peoples views about this. I'm sorry to hear that some of you or your partner have a life limiting illness or that you've lost someone to cancer. I suppose it needs to be said that sometimes (often) people outlive their expected prognosis.

My granny died in 1981 at the age of 80 & definitely wasn't told. She had stomach cancer which progressed very rapidly. I was only a teenager. The whole thing was quite odd, I used to go & see her but once she was on a side ward & dying my dad didn't go & see her again. He was abroad on business when I got the call to say she had died. I can't imagine that now, I was with both my parents when they died & would have hated for them to be alone.

I dont think I would want to know

I was 27 when my dgm died. Aortic aneurysm. I am now 50 and still miss her..
She recovered from surgery (4%of patients survive this), unnoticed she had slipped into a coma some weeks later.
Her dd - my aunt - insisted they bring her round. Dgm asked if she would die and she was told yes. Tbh my relationship with da never recovered after dgm died. Selfish woman.
Dgm was quite composed and made me promise I wouldn't miss a concert that night. The night they switched her life support off.

I wouldn't want to know.
A close relative of mine had cancer.
They were coping quite well and symptoms were managed well. Emotionally they were strong.
The day they went to hospital for a 3month review the consultant dropped a bomb that they had maybe 12months to live.
My relative was never the same again. They mentally couldn't cope with this and they were terrified.
Their last 6 months were horrific and like a living hell.
I wish my relative had never been told and I think medical professionals should speak to the patients nearest and dearest before telling people they are dying and allow their family to have a say in whether someone should be told.

When my mum was dying in hospital they told me & my dad first and then he told her. One of the saddest things I've ever seen but at least they could say their goodbyes.