How to help friend - her DH is dying from cancer

[PainterMummy]

I have the most wonderful and caring friend. Her DH has been battling cancer for 10 years, having been given 5 years. Each time over the years that he’s had a bad turn, he’s rallied and seemed better in himself (of course, always the cancer there, has spread from prostate to bones. liver, and more). Well, now he’s been so weak and unable to get out of bed, can’t eat it or keep fluids down. He asked, last week, to go to the hospice. However, due to staff shortages covid related, there are no visitors permitted. He’d like to come home to die. No one available to help advise her in what to do, what she needs, who to contact. She’s in pieces.

I’d like to gather information to help her bring him home, give him care in the home until he passes. I’ve offered to be there and sit with her DH, cook for her, food shop, give her hugs and shoulder to cry on. Any advice greatly appreciated.

Poor her- my own father has prostate and bone cancer. I think you couldn’t do any more for her, cancer really does test friendships- my own parents have found this. Are Macmillan on board?

Is he in the hospice now?

The hospice orgainsed everything for us to get DH home for his last weeks and arranged for carers to come in.

Is she in contact with Macmillan or Marie Curie? I don't have personal experience of this but from what I gather, if he is coming home then it's quite important to have a professional to come to the house and sort out medication,
pain relief etc. Can the hospice help?

I'm so sorry this is happening to your friend and her DH - you sound like a wonderful supportive friend and all the things you have said you will do in your OP will be a great support for her

Our local hospice had a team called hospice at home.

As far as friends are concerned, the one who I am most grateful to got in touch every week, took me out for a run and then sat with DH for a while. Lots of people said "let me know if you need anythjng" but this friend made it happen.

Sorry, I feel like I was stating the obvious there with my last post about a professional coming in. It's just that I know someone who wanted to die at home and after she had died her DH said that he didn't realise what the process would be like and that it was actually quite difficult managing the medication etc without someone there all the time to guide?

I haven't got any advice, just wanted to say you sound like a lovely, caring friend x

I guess just being there for her/ at the end of the phone will help.

Later on preparing some meals she can freeze, doing some shopping etc x

Thank you all. I have made the suggestion about macmillan and Marie Curie nurses as well as suggested to find out, if not already suggested to her, if the hospice had a hospice at home team to help support getting him home. She’s said many usual services have been hit by covid infections and so far no support but was waiting to hear an update.

@PainterMummy

Thank you all. I have made the suggestion about macmillan and Marie Curie nurses as well as suggested to find out, if not already suggested to her, if the hospice had a hospice at home team to help support getting him home. She’s said many usual services have been hit by covid infections and so far no support but was waiting to hear an update.

Hi, just wanted to say you sound like an amazing friend. Hopefully more people might come along who have more help for you x

You sound a fabulous friend. I would suggest contacting Prostrate Cancer UK
by telephone during day time hours. They are a fantastic source of support, information and advice (for both you and your friend). You sound absolutely lovely but you may also end up needing support too. Take care flowers 💐

Community Nurses, via the patient’s GP were very helpful in a friends case.
Organising loan of a hospital bed, a meds pack and daily visits, if that helps.

you are a lovely caring friend..
i would investigate the following;

• pain pump for the DH patient.. with cancer pain management is key.. it causes untold distress… get pain under control.. everyone can begin to grieve without added distress:
• hygiene and self care for DH .. bed baths & retain human dignity.
• laundry services - arrange laundrapp services etc
• breaks and time for self care of the carer
• meals, fluids-and quality food ( ie not junk food)
• being there for your friend is the greatest gift you can give 💐 your incredible

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