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Life-limiting illness

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Original poster

Brother In Law died today

22 replies

superblondie28 · 31/12/2021 11:17

Probably wrong place to post this... So sorry.

Basically my hubby's sister's husband died early this morning. I've known them for 22 years and want to support my SIL the best way I can.

Unfortunately I really couldn't stand my BIL. He died because he drunk and smoked too much in his younger years. He worked at a quarry and declined PPE. He used beat to his children around the head, one of whom developed seizures and is dead because he had a fit cycling along a river bankside, fall in and drowned. BIL also used to thieve stuff. My DH's late father threatened to shot him. He was a farmer and put a shotgun to BIL's head as it was known by everyone that BIL was physically abusing his children. My DH can remember this happening. BIL was a real shit of a human being IMO.

My SIL is a lovely person so I'm really conflicted. I feel like I have to pretend that I'm sorry her husband has died when I really feel that karma has been served as BIL died a slow bed bound death.

I was physically beaten by my late father too who died when I was 20, so as you can imagine I can't stand child abusers.

Any advice please? It's a weird situation. Do I just pretend that's I'm sorry for her loss?
Thanks x

OP posts:

Inextremis · 31/12/2021 11:20

Your BIL is beyond knowing or caring how you act - just think of your SIL and try to support her and help her get through her loss. Be sorry for her loss, not sorry that your BIL is that loss.

Hopeful16 · 31/12/2021 11:21

Just carefully word your sympathy "I'm sorry that you're feeling pain and sadness. If there anything that we can do to ease your burden?" Don't express any sorrow of your own that you obviously don't feel but try also not to speak too much harsh truth. Your SIL may not appreciate straight talking at the moment but may be ready to at a later time. Being there for her and her children is what is important today.

MilduraS · 31/12/2021 11:24

You can be sorry for what she's going through. Her whole world has turned upside down and she's going to find it tough. Help support her through registering the death and figuring out what companies need to be notified and how.

Excitedforthefuture · 31/12/2021 11:25

There’s unpleasant

And then there is essentially being responsible for he death of your child due to beating them around the head

I know you want to be there for your sister
But she stayed with a man who was appalling to his children. Your nephews/nieces

I would be there for you but I would certainly not fake sadness etc. i would make clear that I love my sister and nephews and nieces but I have no sadness whatsoever for bil

BadNews3112 · 31/12/2021 11:27

Thank you all

ZenNudist · 31/12/2021 11:42

Being glad someone died a slow painful death is not a good thing. Possibly seek counselling because of your own abuse is affecting your compassion and humanity.

As for the situation just be there for your SIL. She is grieving. Listen to her. You don't have to sat anything about BIL. You can just agree with her and be sympathetic.

ancientgran · 31/12/2021 11:47

In what way was she lovely? She stayed with a man who was abusing her children, she didn't protect them and one died. I'd struggle to be her friend.

Your FIL on the otherhand sounds like a sound guy.

RicherThanYew · 31/12/2021 11:53

@ZenNudist I think she's absolutely correct to be glad that the child killer is dead. Even God wouldn't mind too much.

Kshhuxnxk · 31/12/2021 11:56

You can be there to support her but do remember she let her husband abuse her children. You all knew it was happening.

Hippywannabe · 31/12/2021 11:56

Is she on here? I have definitely read a post somewhere about losing a child cycling by the river and having had a fit.

Medievalist · 31/12/2021 12:01

In what way was she lovely? She stayed with a man who was abusing her children, she didn't protect them and one died. I'd struggle to be her friend.

^^ This.

it was known by everyone that BIL was physically abusing his children.

If everyone knew, why was he allowed to carry on abusing his children? Did you or anyone else in your family report him to social services, school, police etc?

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 31/12/2021 12:17

Maybe suggest a small wake? In your mind it can be a celebration and sil can see it for whatever she chooses...
Maybe she is just shocked such an awful existence for her has come to an end... Or maybe she is feeling guilty she didn't help bump him off herself...

BadNews3112 · 31/12/2021 12:24

I must just say that although I used the 'children' in my posting, the son who drowned was in his late 30s. He drowned a good 10 years ago. SIL son's were born at a time, as was I, when it acceptable to smack your children as discipline. I never saw it happen to them, hadn't met my DH at that point, just heard about it. But I believe there's a major difference between occasional slap on the bum/leg and being whacked across the head by a heavy adult hand on a regular basis.

She also left him when the children were quite young and went to a woman's refuge and said she wouldn't return unless he gave up the booze. Again all happened before I met DH.

Yes, my DH's late father didn't like his daughter's choice of hubby at all.

TheCreamCaker · 31/12/2021 12:29

EXACTLY THIS

*There’s unpleasant

And then there is essentially being responsible for he death of your child due to beating them around the head

I know you want to be there for your sister
But she stayed with a man who was appalling to his children. Your nephews/nieces

I would be there for you but I would certainly not fake sadness etc. i would make clear that I love my sister and nephews and nieces but I have no sadness whatsoever for bil*

Excitedforthefuture · 31/12/2021 13:39

Did you name change?

EmmaOvary · 01/01/2022 10:31

@ZenNudist "Being glad someone died a slow painful death is not a good thing. Possibly seek counselling because of your own abuse is affecting your compassion and humanity."

Don't be so ridiculous. Did you read the OP?

ZenNudist · 01/01/2022 16:03

Emma, not ridiculous I wouldn't wish slow painful death on anyone. Would you really?

Winniemarysarah · 01/01/2022 16:06

@ZenNudist

Emma, not ridiculous I wouldn't wish slow painful death on anyone. Would you really?

I wish a slow, painful death on a lot of people.

Excitedforthefuture · 01/01/2022 16:15

@ZenNudist

Emma, not ridiculous I wouldn't wish slow painful death on anyone. Would you really?

Yep, I sure would

Anyone physically or sexually abusive to my children

I’d kill them (slowly) myself given half the chance

ParkheadParadise · 01/01/2022 16:26

@ZenNudist

Emma, not ridiculous I wouldn't wish slow painful death on anyone. Would you really?

Aye, I spent hours and hours wishing a slow painful death on the evil bastard who murdered my dd. I had no sympathy for him when the evil cunt died of a drug overdose 4 years later. Hope he rots in hell for what he did to my dd.

CookieDoughKid · 02/01/2022 23:09

You don't need to feel sorry or act it. In your shoes I wouldn't be sorry at all. Just be there for your friend. Sometimes saying nothing and being there is enough.

BadNews3112 · 03/01/2022 10:37

Thanks for all your comments.. I've seen my SIL twice since BIL died. My DH and I and our daughter have done what we can to support her. Took her flowers, offered to get shopping, listened to her talking about her late hubby. It's almost as though she's in denial about what he used to be like in their earlier days so that has not been spoken about. It happened over 25 yrs ago.

I have not shed one tear.. Not real or fake...

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