How do you come to terms with knowing your going to lose someone you love?

[Notready0]

I'm sorry I'm really struggling today and need to get it out somewhere.

One of my parents was unexpectedly diagnosed with stage 4 cancer earlier this year and since the diagnosis it has already spread rapidly and they have gone down hill so quickly.

Over the weekend it's hit me how much I love them and don't want them to die. I don't know how to come to terms with the fact they are going to die sooner than we had hoped (we were hoping for at least 3-5years but it's going to be less than a year and the way it's going I'd say months at most).

I have so many feelings I don't know how to process or deal with. Knowing they won't see their 60th birthday, knowing we haven't had enough time since the diagnosis to make the most of the time they have, knowing the treatment isn't working, wishing things were different or that the treatment would work to buy us more time. Seeing how much they have changed from the person they were.

I haven't had to deal with a close loved ones death before so it's all new to me. I don't know how to get through this.

[ShinyHappyPoster]

I'm so sorry You will get through this but it's difficult.
My father died of cancer and my mum is currently terminally ill. I'm not sure you do come to terms with it. But there are a few ways I'm dealing with it differently this time.
I'm accepting that this stage is anticipatory grief. It has no impact at all on how much I will grieve later but it's a normal stage when a loved one is terminally ill.
I don't try to imagine what life will be like afterwards because losing my dad showed me I couldn't predict what it would be like at all.
Rest and take care of yourself. I have days where I am completely exhausted. With my dad, I ignored them and pushed through. This time, I am taking time to rest, to go for walks or watch trashy TV- whatever can get me out of my head for a bit.
If there is a Maggie's Centre or support group, contact them. Being able to offload on someone is very helpful.
Say everything you have to say to each other. Then accept that every time you're with your relative doesn't have to be big and meaningful. Do the little every day things, talk nonsense, be quiet together. Be present.
Be kind to yourself. Sending you much love.

[Shopaholic100]

So sorry to hear about your parent op💐. I’m in a similar situation I’ve just discovered another close family member is basically dying. The cancer has spread to other parts of the body and further treatment is unlikely to work and will just cause extra suffering. I can understand how you might be feeling. Initially I just felt numb, now it’s starting to hit, I can’t stop crying, how much I’m going to miss them and all the special occasions that are going to be missed. Sorry to go on about my own story, I’ve just found out today.

I don’t know what to say to help you OP but just wanted to let you know, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I really wish there was a cure, it’s just so sad.

[Lightning11]

My dear dad had a similar - worst type of his particular cancer that gave him less than a year from diagnosis.

I remember crying and hugging him telling him it felt like he was going to have to get on a bus and leave us, and that he didn’t want to get on it, and we didn’t want him to get on it, but there was bloody nothing any of us could do.

It’s heartbreaking. It’s horrendous. But you will do it. You don’t want to, but you will do each day as it comes. You will love, you will smile and laugh and there will be special moments despite the sheer agony of it all. This time will teach you about yourself (good bad and ugly) and you will grow from it.

I found gratitude more relevant and useful than hope. So grateful we had time to say all we wanted, that he had time to sort his affairs.

My dad had zero treatment options and went straight on to palliative care and pain management. The downward trajectory is really tough to deal with, but in a strange way I think we all felt that there was a small blessing to not be in/out of hospital door scans, then anxiety waiting for results, then hope of treatment working. I guess there were no “distractions” and we could all just focus on getting through each day/week….

And it really was a short term focus - I couldn’t think too far ahead, so kept a perspective that went no further than the end of the following week.

I highly recommend speaking to your local hospice, not only for end of life care, but also for pain management (better than the hospital or community palliative team in our experience), and emotional support…. and they will likely look after you as a family, not just your parent. The support we had from our hospice was honestly incredible, they made the unbearable a little bit more bearable.

Don’t let in more than you need to right now. Prioritize your family and keep your boundaries firm and only do what you feel is manageable, this is no time to be giving yourself over to anyone and everyone. If you can find some time, or a place to go to, on your own, where you are not daughter/sister/mum/wife, it’s good and important to carve out a tiny bit of space. It’s not selfish, it’s “recovery”, you will need time to just breathe.

You will do it for your parent. Honest, you will find a way. My heart goes out to you, knowing the journey you all have ahead of you.

[Joystir59]

I don't know think it's possible to come to terms with huge loss. You grow around the pain, it becomes part of you rather than completely overwhelming you. Big love equals big loss equals big pain. Sorry you are facing this now.

[KitchenDancefloor]

The best advice I was given in your situation was to prioritise what is important and not have regrets.

The context for me was a terminally ill parent, a full time job and a young family. It gave me 'permission' to be with my parent as much as possible. My kids had their dad, my boss had other employees. But I only had a few months left to be a daughter.

Nothing can prepare you for this situation. Be kind to yourself and try to acknowledge each emotion as it surfaces. There is no right or wrong way to handle this but I found that naming how I felt helped. So today I feel hopeless/fine/determined/desperately sad... can help you to deal with that feeling.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through

[Notready0]

Thank you all so much and thank you for the really useful advice. I apologise not replying sooner but I've been avoiding my feelings which isn't a great strategy I know. I was in a bad place but I'm doing better at the minute.

I managed to pluck up the courage to briefly say what I needed to say which was good for both of us. We aren't an emotion sharing family so I feel more at ease now that I've said the most important thing I wanted to. I would have regretted not saying it massively.

I'm trying to take every day as it comes and I am learning to be kinder to myself. I am finding it hard not being able to visit as regularly as I would like to.

I am so sorry that you all have experienced/are experiencing the same situation.

[MrJollyLivesNextDoor]

Bless you OP

I agree with PP about prioritising based on how much time you have...different situation for me but I lost my brother suddenly and oh how I wished for even a couple of hours.

Definitely be kind to yourself

[JustBkind]

I’m like the poster above. My dad was taken into hospital one night at 10pm and died the next day at 12:00pm totally unexpected and a complete shock to us all. I would have given anything to have spent more time with him but on the other hand, I was also glad that he didn’t suffer. Seeing a loved one pass is incredibly hard but you will get through it…and you will meet again. X