My oldest friend's husband is dying of cancer - what can I do for her?

[LaMigraine]

I discovered a couple of days ago, and he himself only found out about a month ago. He was fine, a bit more tired than usual but then one day got bad chest pain and went to A&E, where they did a scan and discovered a huge tumour that is obviously very fast-growing and aggressive. They are all obviously completely knocked sideways (they have 17 and 19 year old kids). He is 60ish, so young still. It's just awful.

My question is, can anyone suggest ways for me to help/support? I live 2 hours away and have young-ish kids so can't really go back and forth to help on a regular practical level (I will of course visit though), and luckily they have lots of good friends and neighbours rallying round and bringing food, things they need etc. What can I do from a distance, apart from staying in touch regularly, messaging to say I'm thinking of them, phoning regularly but making clear there's no expectation for her to answer if she's not feeling up to it etc? All I can think of is sending nice treats but that seems so trivial somehow. Or sending daily/regular photos of beautiful things (nature etc) when I'm out and about as a little pick-me-up, but again maybe that's just horribly cheesy and trite (also, she is a relentlessly practical, non-touchy-feely, non-sentimental kind of person).

I just feel a bit useless but don't want to be! Any advice or suggestions would be so much appreciated.

I live overseas and had friends who wanted to show their support in some way (DH has terminal cancer) and they sent lovely treat type things and they were lovely to receive.

Honestly though the thing that helps most is feeling like you are still part of people’s daily lives, and not just about the cancer so keeping in contact like you suggested is good.

You’re a kind friend already, asking on here x

I’ve had a stage four cancer diagnosis this year and since the diagnosis the best thing has been friends who check in with random things… pics, updates, funnies… and just a how are you?.. and they make it really clear there’s no pressure to answer… that really helps… the little gift packages have been nice… but it’s the personal messages that have made the difference…

I was in almost exactly the same situation this time last year. DC the same age, although DH was even younger than your friend's.

They say you find out who your friends are in times like these and that was certainly true. The person who helped me most was really just an acquaintance beforehand, who contacted me every week and arranged to go out for a run on a Friday evening, then came in and chatted with (bedbound) DH for a while.

It was just wonderful to have an hour doing something that wasn't about DH and then have a "treat" for DH so I didn't have to feel bad about having abandoned him.

Some of the people I'd thought of as good friends were all "let us know if you need anything" but really became invisible.

A friend who lived further away phoned for beer regularly. We'd chat over a drink as if we were in the pub. That was nice too.

Call her every day and just listen. 💐

I wouldn't say call everyday but it's true a calm is good. I found lots of people "did their duty" by sending a regular "how are you doing message" (How are you supposed to answer that in the circumstances?!) but weren't really available to me.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend's husband.

I've had cancer this year, and all the things you've mentioned have been things that have helped me/us during a really tough period.

Is she the sort of person who would unload to you if you went for a long walk/shared a bottle of wine? That's what both me and my husband needed from our friends really when I was ill, and it was really thin on the ground - partly because of a lot of our friends live a long way away - but when they made it here to spend time with us we were so enormously grateful for it.