Am feeling conflicted and need someone to give me a head wobble please

[Victorfoxtrot]

Very short back story:

DH has stage 4 cancer (so far being managed well). This is recurring and we thought he was in remission.

When first diagnosed and undergoing treatment he/we told family and limited friends and he then told (in truth) that he was in remission.

Four years ago it came back and as a couple (he led this) we decided that we would not say anything. Many reasons why - fear of upsetting others (again), no real idea re prognosis, not wanting to be treated "differently" etc...

All good so far and I am so grateful for fact that it is being managed well - though obviously it is "always there" and we have stressful times especially before specialist visits/blood tests etc..

However DH has now decided to tell close family (DC) who ask how he is doing generally about the fact the cancer has come back and is now stage 4.

So far this is only "half" of our family - so two adult DC (the other 4 adult DCs do not know)

I can't articulate why I am uncomfortable about this. His outlook is "well they asked". I am torn between perhaps encouraging him to make a "big" announcement so everyone knows and respecting his outlook that "if people ask he'll tell them"

To me it feels awfully divisive (unintentionally)

It is now coming to a head as the two DC who "know" are asking me questions but I feel disloyal to my other DC who do not know. This is really not about my feelings but wanting to be open to all without upsetting DH's wishes.

Any advice please?

Given that is will be you living with the aftermath of their questions I think he needs to be told you won't lie for him anymore... Ill or not. He is driving a wedge in your family. At a time pulling together is necessary..

So he has only told two of your children and the other four don't know?

I just wanted to check I've understood correctly.
For you

How can they support each other if they’re not fully informed?

Maybe addressing it in those terms might make him change his mind

Thanks @Brollywasntneededafterall

I don't think he intends to and (despite appearances) it's not malicious or anything, more a bit like he's "gone off script" - which makes me sound very controlling and is not intended to be like that.

I think part of this is that he is supersensitive about the long-term affects of his treatment that he finds hard to explain away - think massive weight gain, shortness of breathe etc.. so he is also slightly defensive when DC raise health concerns based on this without knowing underlying causes and medication he is on

DC are not being judgemental just concerned (well some are - others are oblivious!)

I'm with you OP. I know it's his news rather than yours, but I'd be very uncomfortable about some DC knowing and others not. I would try very hard to convince him to tell them all or let you do so.

@MartyHart - yes that's about it and only as they asked if "everything was OK generally" He may have been taken off-guard but now three are unaware but I know the two who do are talking to each other and now on "Dr Google" a lot of the time.

DH perhaps wants to be more open to all but doesn't know how.

The cancer is male related - DSs (two out of three not aware) do not know - he is afraid of mentioning it to them

Just to be totally open here - all DC are adults - we are a blended family and always have been (DH was primary carer) - the two DC who know are my DSDs, the others who don't know are my DC and also my DSS

Probably irrelevant but want to clarify in case asked why I am not engaging fully with "all my DC"

My DC are unaware - younger than DSC but still adults

Oh dear, that's hard.
They have to be told though, they will be really hurt if it goes on much longer.
It puts you in a very difficult situation.
Would he let you tell them? Would you be up to doing so?
So sorry op, it's a shitty disease.

Definitely HIS children should know. If he's not comfortable with sharing too much then maybe delay the news for everybody else.

OP my DH had stage 4 cancer and was also reluctant to share it. Our children were much younger. I think all your children need to know. I believe strongly however that they don’t need all the details. It’s stage 4, therefore it’s incurable but it’s manageable. When they ask if it’s terminal, the answer is that its currently well controlled, there are lots of treatments to control it and if that changes you’ll let them know: if he has prostate cancer and it’s currently bones only then you may well be living with it rather than dying from it for a long time.

Good luck

Don’t encourage him to make a big announcement, certainly some cancers are live with rather than die from, and you can continue with a pretty normal life so I wouldn’t encourage him to do that at all.

This is putting the ones that know in a difficult position. Are you sure his other dc don't know already? Tbh if I was the dsd I'd tell my other siblings immediately, even if I'd been asked not to.

Thanks all - just realised i used the term "blended family" wrong - my DC are his DC - apologies for that!

Thanks @Rummikubfan - yes it is prostate and thankfully only lymph nodes now but hormone treatment (after previous radiotherapy so no other options left) is awful

All DC are aged mid 20s to mid 40s) - they can "cope" with info but it feels weird that only some know

I do believe DH wants to tell everyone - otherwise why go 4 years and keep it quiet - he just doesn't know how to without causing distress and, ironically, too much attention

@MartyHart - you are right it's a shitty disease and I truly wish there was a playbook for it all

@Victorfoxtrot why doesn’t he send the children a message? DH did the hormone treatment, 2 different kinds. It made him feel ok but just “off” and we also had a normal life on it. It does however, change your relationship because of the side effects, how are you?

My DP’s (DH died from a different cancer) dad has prostate cancer and he updates all the kids (30’s-40’s) via their family group. Knowing that prostate cancer is often low grade and acts as a chronic disease Makes it much more manageable and less stressful for them

@Rummikubfan I think because it's "too late" now.

He has pretended that all is OK for 4 years when it isn't.

Others may respond to hormone treatment differently - my DH had 3 years of treatment on radiotherapy before hormones were the only option. His prostate has been zapped to f*ck! He can't have chemo and hormone treatment (and its subsequent side effects are part of our life now)

He is impotent, incontinent, has gained 5 stone and is extremely depressed about this but unable to articulate it. I am a lot younger - my life has been turned upside down (though I know that's not issue here)

His prostate cancer is not low grade - it is stage 4 and specialist says he will die "from" it not "with" it

I’m so sorry. I have been there. We only got 5 months of hormone treatment before it failed. Although luckily DH didn’t gain weight although was impotent. It was the most hideous change to our lives. You know it’s a waiting game and you are in the middle of it: I don’t know what to say, DH wouldn’t let me tell anyone he was stage 4, the only people who knew were immediate family and not even the kids for a long time,

Are you getting counselling? I think that is what got me through the hardest times

Feel free to message me if you want to

My mum had stage 4 cancer, a recurrence of a previously treated cancer which went fully into remission.

She didn’t like telling us, and often if there was especially bad news to share after scans etc she’d email - with a note to say didn’t want to talk about it much. I’d have been unimaginably hurt if she’d kept it from us, but worse if one of my siblings knew and I didn’t.

I think they all need to know, but they also all need to respect their father’s approach to dealing with his health. So if that means not discussing it so be it - they can talk to each other though.

Not telling also means you have very limited support, and you matter too.

@NoSquirrels @Rummikubfan

Thank you so much - I really appreciate your perspectives and offers of support

I hate to generalise but it is female DC who know (and who have asked) and not male ones - which makes me worry that there is something else going on too.

Fear to appear vulnerable, possible male inarticulateness - believe me they will spend HOURS talking about the football but nothing else!

It could def be a 'man' thing, they really don't like talking about their bits.

My DH had cancer, we kept everyone in the loop via a what's app group so everyone got the same info at the same time.

Please come and join us on the thread 'still the storm' we know sadly how you are feeling

Speaking as the widow of my love who died of cancer after a period of treatment, my attitude was- her life, her body, her illness, her journey. I supported her right to live that journey her way, which was to take every chance given to get better and be very positive, and not talk about prognosis or mortality ever. So I think you have to respect his desire to talk honestly about what he's dealing with in his illness. Perhaps your fear is that he is letting the awful cat out of the bag- the reality that he has a life limiting illness.

I am really sorry you are going through this op.

I was going to say that it was unfair of him to tell some DC and not the others, but then when you updated about your blended family and the male/female divide, I honestly think you need to let him handle this as he sees fit. Men do handle this sort of stuff differently. Your DH may be making judgements about how much individuals can handle.

My experience may be coloured by the fact that my late father not only didn't want others to know, he didn't really want to confront or acknowledge his illness himself. He was a perfectly intelligent man with all of his faculties intact; he knew what was happening to him, but his way of getting through it was to not talk or think about it. He even told his doctors he didn't want to know anything about it. He just went along with the treatments and didn't enquire too much. This did make it harder for my mother and my siblings, as we did know. But he was the one suffering so we thought it was his prerogative really to handle it in the way he wanted. I guess by allowing the patient to set the tone, you give them some of the control back that their illness has taken from them.

That's not to say that you can't seek advice from your DH as to how to respond when any of the DC or DSC ask questions.

Just be honest with him and say if they find out it could cause them life long issues especially when he isn't here anymore. I think it's time to be cruel to be kind tell him he needs to tell them all and if they ask you you wont lie you will tell the truth and that you are going to tell your children. I am sure he will follow suit if he doesnt you cant go contacting his but if they ask I would not lie to any of my children.

I can see how difficult and sad this is, not only your DH being stage 4 but that this is it and you also have a secret to keep

As it leaves you with a worry about how it'll impact on your beloved DSS and DS - the family that some DCs know and some DCs don't and that they weren't given the chance to visit a bit more whilst he still had time because they don't know he has less time... Even if it is to only talk football - that's bonding time well spent with your dad whilst you have him if that's what interests him.

It is DHs choice but I'd want to ask him if we could tell all the DCs now that 2 know but ask them to understand he really doesn't want it to be main topic of conversation or to treat him differently - as he wants to enjoy his time with them and talk football when he sees them

Apologies for delay in response everyone - have been out for the day with DGC.

Thank you all for your considered responses and for advice - I know it's difficult for him and he has no intention of misleading people it just seems to have organically grown that way and he realises that it's best to be transparent.

I think a lot of this is to do with defensive response to putting on weight and change in appearance due to treatment - so those who say things in jest (as all families do) - it hits a nerve and he want sto explain why he is less physically active; which is why he "let slip" to the two DC who know.

In a way the pandemic has (and I say this flippantly as I know it has been horrendous for thousands) been easier as we have been away from people and following rules- so limited social interactions has meant he has just got on with things and not overthought it. It's only recently with meet up and loved ones seeing change that he is a bit self-conscious and therefore wanting to explain.

I agree that it's extremely important for all to know - as those left behind want to spend time with loved ones (my DF died from cancer - but didn't tell me or siblings when it had come back)

My DH is similar - when he was first diagnosed it was highly emotional and draining and he doesn't fancy being "under the spotlight" again - hence I think why he is (unconsciously) picking each DC off to tell them - so it doesn't become a "big thing"

He also doesn't want to be seen through the prism of cancer and is worried that if he is open and honest again then visits/parties/concern etc will all be because of his diagnosis not because of who he is - does that make sense.

This is why he is far happier watching sports and chatting crap as to him that "normalises" things - and he knows that he is not being seen as the ill one or invalid.

Thank you all so much - it just helps sometimes to talk to those who know what it's like and be open about how frustrating it is and a recognition that there is not one way to "do this"