Worried for the future

[EmpressSuiko]

Hello,

My husband was diagnosed with incurable cancer, at the moment it’s early stages and he isn’t going anywhere any time soon but it can be unpredictable, obviously we are hoping it will stay stable for many years to come and not spread but he is having regular scans to monitor the situation at the moment.

I keep feeling so incredibly guilty for feeling sad, he is the one suffering with it and yet I get overwhelmed with negative thoughts sometimes, if I do lose him I will be losing the love of my life and my one and only friend, I’m so scared of being alone to raise our children. I have my parents but the rest of my family aren’t close to me and not really interested and I don’t have any friends. I don’t know what I’ll do without him.

At the moment we are just living life normally as if it doesn’t exist as it isn’t currently causing him too many issues and he has taken the news so well, he is incredibly strong and I’m trying my best not to think of the what ifs but somedays it’s hard not to.

I know no one can help, I just needed to vent as I really don’t have anyone I can share this with, I’m hoping that my husband will still have many, many years without issues and we’ll be able to grow old together and I know it’s absolutely pointless to worry about things now when nothing has even happened yet it’s just hard somedays.

I'm so sorry, Empress. It's shit. I don't want to hijack your thread but I found out yesterday that my mum's cancer is terminal, and that they'll be treating it to prolong life and not to cure her. I completely understand the guilt that you describe - the idea that it is your loved one who is suffering and therefore that for us to become overwhelmed with grief is somehow selfish. In the last 24 hours I've gone from being distraught to guilty when my husband made me smile about something (because I know my mum is not handling her diagnosis well and so for me to smile somehow seems disloyal) to just sheer worry about what is going to come in the future.
I'm sure this post isn't much help, but I just wanted to say I understand a bit, and I'm so sorry about your husband.

Empress - I'm sorry to read your news. Is there a relevant patient organisation that you can contact? A number of them have excellent family and carer support services and nurse-led helplines that can make all the difference to people.

Does your DH have a clinical nurse specialist?

@Checkedpyjamas I’m sorry to hear about your mum, she clearly has an amazing daughter and thank you for your message, it was really kind.
I hope you are all receiving support, cancer is an awful disease and no one should be going through this, I hope your mothers treatment works well for her, it’s gut wrenching when they tell you their is no cure.
My husband isn’t needing treatment yet as the tumours haven’t spread but there’s no cure and they can only try to prolong his life when we reach that stage. I’m so sorry you are going through something similar and I really do wish you and your mother all the best x

@EmbarrassingAdmissions yes he has a nurse, we’ve not spoken to Macmillan yet but my husband wasn’t to tell our children soon while he is still healthy rather than spring in on them when he is in and out of hospital, I though it might be worth speaking to them before saying anything to our children.
I’ve not really told my husband how I’m feeling, I don’t want to upset him and I just feel silly for feeling the way I do, we are trying to live life as if it’s not there and I just don’t want to bring up negative thoughts, I don’t want him to worry about how I’m feeling.

I though it might be worth speaking to them before saying anything to our children.
I’ve not really told my husband how I’m feeling, I don’t want to upset him

It's a very good thought to consider this beforehand, OP - and it is never too early to look into support for yourself. Your husband is possibly second-guessing how you're feeling anyway and would welcome you finding a place to talk and some support from others who know what you're going through.

Some charities have amazing workshops and support groups for families/intimate partners/children. They've been developed for a reason because one person might have the diagnosis but it's everyone in their family and beyond who can contribute to their quality of life for all of the time when they're not actually in hospital or caught up in treatment.

All of you need every bit of support that is available and suits your needs at the time.

This thread is old but I am going through a similar experience
My OHs cancer is partially operable (major surgery) but is unlikely to fully be removed and will prboably always be growing back. We are on 6 monthly scans and tbh the whole process is mentally exhausting for us both. We get so worked up and worried, but this is our life now. We are grateful for having a partial option but are so scared. I worry for our DC.