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Life-limiting illness

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My Dad is dying of cancer and I am not coping

4 replies

Louloubelle78 · 02/07/2021 01:26

Just found out in the last couple of weeks my Dad has stage 4 cancer. It's in his lungs, colon and liver. I was always his side kick and we've always been very close. He was in the forces, I mention that as as a family it's always been stiff upper lip, don't show your emotions. But I know he is really scared and I don't know how to talk to him about it without getting upset.

We have just had a weeks holiday. I took my son out of school so we can have some nice memories. Although now am I still sat up crying my eyes out. I didn't want it to end. Everytime we were doing something nice. I just thought is the last time we'll do this? My dad wouldnt take a photo with me, it's like he knew why. I wanted those pictures. One evening I had a stressful time as my son is autistic and he had a massive meltdown. It was my fault, I took my eye off the ball, then made it worse. I woke up feeling like a shit parent and couldn't stop crying. My mum got really annoyed with me. I know she is finding this tough.

I seem to be able to provide all the practical support for my parents, but they don't talk about how they feel. My mum is also disabled. They have been married 55 years. Despite the usual ups and downs. They are still deeply in love. My heart breaks for my mum.

Got home and just feel this crashing wave of having to get back to the manic day to day. I work FT, a job with a high workload. I stupidly, have carried on my previous self employment business evenings and weekends (that I basically lost because of Covid). There is my son. My partner has the 'big important job', so I am left to run the home and we have his SD living with us 100%, but that's a whole other thread!! She is having issues and she makes the atmosphere a bit weird sometimes. My partner has been great, but doesn't notice the burden I am under. I have ADHD and have just been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. GP thinks from the stress of Covid. Stuff 'normal' people find easy to manage, I don't.

Sorry this is a massive ramble. I just don't know how to deal with all these things. I haven't told any friends. I don't know how. Does that sound silly? I am sick of my partner's family (only people that know apart from my boss) telling me to be positive. This does fucking have a happy ending. They are lovely people but they don't get it.

I just feel like an annoying black cloud to everyone at the moment. Like a robot, that has to just carry on and not have any difficult emotional feelings. I feel like should be able to hold it together better than I am.

OP posts:
HandsSpaceArse · 02/07/2021 01:50

I'm sorry I don't have any advice but sending Flowers

Inthetropics · 02/07/2021 02:07

My DP's lost her father to cancer last year and they are a family that doesn't talk about feelings or about anything that's not practical. At first DP tried not talk about it but soon she felt like she did need to say a few kmportant things to him. And she did. She told him she loved him and that she was sad he was very sick and about to die. And he admited to her that he was very afraid of diying because he'd no longer be with her and his wife. It was something new for them and they only managed the one conversation but for them it was enough.

See, people don't really know what to do in this situations and this is why your partner's family tell you to be positive: they don't know what else to say because it's shit going through this and there's no getting out of the situation.

The person who was there for DP was a friend of hers who had also lost her dad recently. She listened to her and didn't sugar coat it. She said some raw stuff and was very direct which made it easier for DP to talk to her - DP also dreaded the "be positive" talk.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Most of the time losing a parent is so painful we don't know what to do with ourselves. If i can offer an advice would be for you to express your feelings for your dad anyway you preffer, but don't hide them. It may not be through talk, there's tons of ways.

Flowers
Louloubelle78 · 02/07/2021 08:45

Thank-you both and @Inthetropics that really helpful x

OP posts:
HandsSpaceArse · 02/07/2021 20:10

Have you thought of posting in Bereavement or Relationships? I think they are a bit busier than this board.

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