what should I be doing? OH is in Palliative Care.

[myolivetree]

My OH has terminal cancer. Treatment stopped about 6 weeks ago. He is going to die and is getting weaker and thinner. We have not asked for a time scale.

I have 4 DC the youngest is 14, Then 20, 25, 27.

What should I be doing? What will I wish we had done or what planning, practical or emotional should I be doing? What needs to be done or said?

My head is in the bin. Please wise people can you give me advice?

Maybe videos or voice messages to children at certain stages of their life, or for potential grandchildren, if your DH feels up to it

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
There isn't a right way or a wrong way.
Have you had conversations with him about what he wants at the end? Has he any preferences on funeral? If not you don't need to do anything about that just yet.
Has he a will? If not you should sort it asap, a solicitor may come to the house.
Is he at home? Does he wish to stay at home?
When this happened with my dad he went into a hospice. It was the best thing he could have done because all his needs were met by lovely staff and we had time to just sit and talk.
He did lose the ability to speak near the end.

I am so sorry you are going through this. As a previous poster said, videos and voice recordings would be something to really treasure.
When my partner died 11 years ago, I had nothing, no videos or voice recordings, I only had a few photos. I'd give so much to have videos and to hear his voice.
Sending you and your family love

He might want to talk about what he hopes you will do after he has died. He might want to plan his own funeral - in terms of readings etc. - and obviously please make sure that his will is legally up to date etc. Also, would he prefer to die at home, or in a hospice? (Where pain medication can sometimes be better managed, and where there are staff to help with things like washing etc., meaning that you only have to be his wife, not his wife and his nurse.) Has he got Godchildren that he'd like to give things too? Does he want to spend some time with each of your DC alone? One of my friends was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the end of the first lockdown - she took her eldest daughter for a weekend away, just the two of them, and did special days one on one with the others (her children are younger than yours.) Another friend who has also died recently (again, terminal cancer) planned a final afternoon with her best friends from school - it was lovely. We didn't know that it was the last afternoon incidentally- but I think she did. Because what will probably happen is that he will gradually become weaker and weaker - so anything he does want to do should be done sooner rather than later. And I'm so sorry to read this, incidentally. It is tremendously sad.

I’m so sorry.

Does he have any song he might want playing at his funeral? Or any specific wishes for that?

Voice recordings as PPs have said. Or letters for the kids for when they marry/finish school etc.

Practical things like do you know how to access all financial accounts? Passwords for emails/phone/social media etc?

Put everything in your name and get things signed over. work out what pensions and other finances. Ask if there are any preferences for the funeral service, any charities he wants to support.

Take photos with the kids, let him spend one on one time with them, look for help for them so you can line it up ready to go.

Don't forget to look after yourself in all of this

Looking at photos together? Choosing some that represent his life to show at the memorial service?
As pp said, make sure you take some time off for yourself.

Yes to voice recordings.

Ask if he would like help writing any letters to anyone, he might want to dictate some if he’s able to.

Maybe ask who he is open to seeing. It sounds strange but when my mum was in palliative care (I was 20 years old so similar age to some of your DC), lots and lots of people wanted to come and visit her when they found out she was so poorly. Which I do understand from their point of view but we had to start limited visitors as mum got so tired by visits and actually when we asked her she just wanted to spend time with immediate family and two close friends. We tried to include her in “normal” things, I would sit and practice piano because she liked hearing that, we would sit round and chat even if she dozed she liked that she was in the comfort of her own little family unit.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it is absolutely shit there’s no denying it. Please please be kind to yourself, take offers of help, take the emotional stuff at your own pace.

Just do with whatever feels right for you.
There's no right or wrong thing to do. There's nothing you should or shouldn't be doing

I'm so sorry to hear this. My dad died a few years ago. I was 30 and my brother was 20.
First and foremost, please make sure that you're looking after yourself. If your adult children want to help, let them. You don't need to shoulder the entire burden.

In terms of practical things, I agree get any money that is in account in his sole name moved over, especially if this is going to cover funeral expenses.

Ask him to let you know all passwords. We didn't do this with my dad and trying to get into his laptop to get to his emails was a headache we didn't need!

Are you claiming everything you're entitled to? Macmillan nurses are fantastic at this.

If your DH wants to talk about his wishes, then make a note of what he wants at his funeral etc. However let him lead in this. Not everyone wants to.

Thank you I am so grateful for these.

Can I suggest his making recordings - one of my friends did this for her child - she recorded multiple short messages that could be interchanged with a special bear which was sprayed with her perfume- I know your children are adults but it gave her something physical to hug which smelt of her and had her voice (she did a number of them saying different things) www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Recordable-Voice-Box/232420557041

My DH has terminal cancer and has had a few recent scares in hospital. We sorted out the will, power of attorney, ensure you have access to bank accounts etc. Any funeral plans should be agreed now too. My DH has ensured he is clear which of the DC have to get what of his.

My DH has no interest in leaving videos or voice notes for the kids as he doesnt think it is right. However everyone is different. Speak to your husband and ask if there is anything he wants to be done.

Can I also suggest something like this -www.etsy.com/uk/listing/694034989/personalised-notebook-vintage-classic?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=personalised+notebook&ref=sr_gallery-1-9&organic_search_click=1&frs=1&etp=1 - if your partner is strong enough maybe he could record (or you could for him) his favourite memories for each of the kids (and you) x

Other thing is if he has any crypto to get passwords for that.

Agree with people who say ask him who he would like to see. I really regret when my step mum died and she had loads of people come to visit who hadnt seen her for ages and were clearly doing it for their last goodbyes rather than for her; she clearly found it exhausting. We ought to have asked her what she wanted (and who) and have that be the basis of everything in her last weeks/months.

I'm really sorry he's so ill and feel for you and your family.

I noticed you're not married. Would that make a difference, financially, afterwards?

Are there any accounts (banking, bills, subscriptions) which are only in his name?

HollowTalk my fault typing OH, we are married. I know that makes some things more straightforward.

So sorry to hear this, thinking of your whole family.

I am a similar age to your elder children and lost my mum a couple of years ago so some of the things that helped us are below.

• if there are any accounts in his name, best to move money into a joint account so you can access immediately rather than waiting for probate (especially if you need it for the mortgage etc). If it's in a joint account or paid to a spouse I don't think it incurs any inheritance tax later if relevant

• agree with the videos as mentioned by others. I love watching vids/ looking at photos of my mum. Made loads of albums in the days after she first died

• hand written notes. I have a few post it's just with little notes on like 'proud of you' 'well done for xyz' etc etc and I love them and have saved them. Possibly letters but I think that depends on personality

• agree with others on a video/letter to give to your kids later eg if they have a child in future. I wish I had some of my mums advice now!

• any important docs that only he knows about like car log book/birth certs/insurance/ house things. Make sure they are easily accessible.

• what his wishes are, eg burial/cremation, where etc

• where he would like to be at the end. I think saying home is common but the last few days can be very difficult and I wouldn't have coped without nurses and doctors providing extra meds for her. So in my option a hospice ideally or maybe a hospital would be better but of course that's a personal decision

• look up Dr Kathryn Mannyx - she has a book called 'with the end in mind' and also lots of podcasts etc which can prepare you for death (honestly incredibly useful and not as morbid as it seems)

Atul Gawande's talks (youtube) are helpful in this situation, about what goals people receiving palliative care (& their families) can set and will help them get thru this phase of life in a way they can make peace with.

I must admit my thoughts were about administration like will, bank accounts, funeral wishes, and one day at a time, otherwise.

Passwords and power of attorney would make great sense so that things are a little easier practically.

Maybe contact details for people he knows that you do not.

Thank you. Can't imagine the future. It is so painful right now.

Very sorry to hear.

You don't need power of attorney once the person has passed away. It lapses on their death. It takes ages to apply for so there is really no point at this stage.

I'd second the advice to make sure all the legal issues are dealt with -- specifically that your DH's will is exactly as he wishes it, and that you know the whereabouts of paperwork relating to bank accounts and life insurance policies. If he has the latter and they aren't written in trust, get that sorted ASAP (it means that you don't pay inheritance tax on life insurance payments).

Write down his wishes re funeral. Things will be so emotional, you might not remember details if you don't write them down.

I personally wouldn't be taking pics at this stage. Enjoy the ones you already have. When my FIL passed away in a hospice last year, he did not look like himself at all and we would not like to remember him like that.

You'll want to spend lots of time with him, as will your DC, but also give yourself permission to rest and recover and eat as it's such an intense time.

Wishing you strength for the next few days and weeks.

Power of Attorney is very straightforward and is done online and is on a national register (UK) It is needed when he may be unconcsious or unable to make his own decisions. We dont have joint bank accounts and it was important to ensure I have access to money etc.

Thank you I am very grateful.