Dm shock diagnosis -maybe 3 months. Please recommend books/resources

[buckeejit]

As above, my dm was diagnosed with a brain tumour less than 2 weeks ago & yesterday told they couldn't operate & she didn't have long left-maybe 3 months.

I'm trying to get my head around it but also hoping someone can recommend books or resources that I can read that might help me, or hep me support my dad, my children, my siblings. Mum is currently in no pain & always used to helping others who were sick. They have strong religious beliefs which I think will help them.

I feel the need to fast track things to get to the stage where we can enjoy the remaining time but just feel overwhelmed right now.

I'm so sorry about this. Macmillan have some excellent leaflets on preparing children for loss, and generally they were brilliant when we needed support from them.
Also, your local hospice may be able to help, even if your mum wants to stay at home, they can help arrange care for her and support for the family.

Can you ask her if it’s okay to become named as a person who can discuss her medical issues on her behalf or with her? Get that recorded at this point.

At her diagnosis appt she should have been given a contact for a clinical nurse specialist service or a named nurse.

It’s so hard but if you can, try to have the discussions soon about your mums wishes regarding where she wants her care to be given and if possible about her death too. She can then have an advance care plan written up so if she gets an infection she can choose not to get antibiotics for example if she would rather not. It helps to keep her care based on what she wants even when she may no longer know what she wants.

Maggies sentries are a great source of support and info if you have one locally. They’d support you and her. And anyone else.

For children I’d say just be simple and honest. “Grandma has a growth in her brain that isn’t going to get better” and help them see her when they can and just be with their sadness and let them know that it’s okay to be sad but that it is also good to spend that extra time now and enjoy what they can.

Thanks so much. I will look up those things. Going to at least wait until Monday before telling the children as ds has big weekend ahead finding out what school he's going to & he's easily overwhelmed.

She did get a neuro nurse who will be in touch. Will make a list of things to do & start addressing them on Monday. Really appreciate the help

Sorry you're in this position OP. It's so much to take in.
Remember, while you're trying to support everyone, that it is an awful situation and it's normal to feel sad and overwhelmed.

The things I miss with loved ones who have died are just the ordinary things, having a cuppa and scone with my Granny or chatting in her kitchen. Do those everyday things while you can.

The Macmillan leaflets are available as downloads. And probably others too.

Re the children, don't make promises you can't keep, be honest with them that you don't know when your DM will pass away but it is likely to be in the next few months.

Maybe with your DS you can focus on how proud his Grandma will be that he's going to whatever school, it's good that she knows he will be at a school where he can be happy. Gently work towards preparing him for the fact that she might not be around by then. Not for now but it might be worth contacting his form tutor if bereavement happens or is very imminent just as he starts school.

Regarding your mum herself, if she has a strong faith she may want to choose prayers or hymns for her funeral. It might be something your parents do together.
Is she in touch with a minister, would that give them some comfort? It might help your mum to feel 'prepared' in her own way.
One of my relatives had it all listed clearly, a few haven't wanted to think about it but the religious ones tended to have a view.

The nurse might have some suggestions for local help, hopefully they will give you an email address in case you think of any questions later.

If she doesn't have a will, she should make one. It will make things MUCH easier after she dies, at a time when you really do need things to be easy. And if she is still working, she should talk to a pensions adviser as a matter of urgency as this could make a big difference for your father.

Say what needs to be said. Have family gatherings, but remember she will be tired. Make sure everyone has their unique alone time to say their goodbyes, as everyone has a unique relationship with her. Although a terrible wrench, death can be done in a beautiful 'good death' way. We all have to go, and to go in love, honouring your lifes work and relationships is a great thing. My father died beautifully, in not dissimilar circumstances. We all have to die. Having this time to say goodbye is a strange gift, but it is a gift. But a hard earth shattering time too, no denying that.

Best wishes to all of you.

I'm so sorry to hear of your heart breaking time.

For your children, try The Jewel by Joanie Spiegel. It's on Amazon.