FIL near the end

[thesootherfairy]

Looking for a bit of advice and a handhold really.

FIL (90) has been very well apart from surgery 8 years ago. Been great since. No issues.

10 days ago he developed a bowel obstruction (he has a colostomy so it's always a risk).
He went into hospital and they tried to clear with antibiotics etc. No joy. He went for MRI scan.

After that they said he had 6 adhesions from the previous surgery which had caused his bowel to adhere to his spine in 3 places, spleen, liver abs something else and there could be more.
This had caused bowel to twist and completely obstruct.

So after some back and forth, the consultant and FIL along with DH had reached a conclusion of trying surgical option.
The anaesthetists said flat no. Said FILs kidneys are failing, he has a heart murmur, low blood pressure and some other issues relating to slow healing of wounds.

They went over it all again and after taking everything onto account, essentially FIL would die whether he had surgery or not. Only thing with surgery was the post op pain being extreme and increased suffering with more pain.

This is horrible! We are watching FIL die.
I understand that this is better than more pain and suffering but it's so raw.

For FIL he's sad to leave DH, our DC, me and other immediate family. But MIL passed away a year ago and he's been so sad on his own. Crying most days on the phone to us and being very low. They were together for more than 60 years and never spent a day apart. Her passing was sudden quick and very tough for him.

I realise there were no good options here. No rays of sunshine.
He's become less awake and struggling to speak now.
He really rallied for the DC yesterday and chatted to them for an hour. Today he couldn't say much.
Today he asked that DC and some of the other immediate family don't visit again.
He is proud man and I understand him. I just feel so broken and sad for us all.

He told me and DH in a whisper (all he could manage) to take DC to where he was born (special nature reserve there now) and for them not to come back in.
He told DC go and that he loved them very much.

I'm just so sad.
Any experiences on how quickly it may happen? He has had all care apart from pain relief withdrawn now. He's gone downhill a lot in 3 days.

MIL passed so fast in her sleep and wasn't unwell before hand. My side of the family are younger and my DGM passed after having surgery instead of opting to slip away and she passed in horrid pain which I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Any experiences or advice?

The only advice I would give is to say all the things you need to say, and your dh too. I am sure he knows he is loved.
My mum lasted a few days longer than they thought, horrific to watch.
Sending you love. 💓

I have no experience of this, but send you my best wishes and a handhold from Australia.

I had to take this same decision for my OH in January of last year. Knowing it is the right decision does not make it any easier to deal with.

I have to warn you that this phase often drags on and that is very hard to deal with. He needs proper palliative care and the local hospice helped us to make sure that he was not in pain. But I was staggered with how long he lasted with no food or drink. However I did feel he was not suffering in any way, just drifting. We chatted to him, played his favourite music etc.

It really sounds as though he had reached the point where his quality of life was poor - he was not happy and it may be he is glad to reach the end of his life - a long life thankfully.

Just eb there for him and respect his decisions.

Sending you love and strength.

I have to reassure you that my OH's death was not "horrific to watch" as a previous poster said. It was sad to see him fading away, but he had every care to make sure it was not horrific in any way. That is what you can do - ask what measures are in place to keep him comfortable.

Handhold from me OP

Hugs. You say “ there are no good options “. There are and they are being demonstrated. He has said a lucid goodbye to his grandchildren and sent them away to keep good memories of him. That’s a positive choice for him.

He will be kept comfortable. He can eat and drink if he wants ( he may not ). Please remember he’s dying so if he wants something alcoholic to drink that’s ok ( maybe don’t tell the medics - it’ll likely only be wetting his lips anyway !) . Mum had baileys when she was dying and it made her smile !

Hold his had , wish him well in his “ next great adventure “ where I’m sure knows he will be reunited with his lovely wife and all his friends - when you get to 90 most people you knew have died and it’s a really lonely place I understand even with a beautiful family as your legacy.

You are doing so much for him right now! You and DH are being his "hand hold"!!!
He sounds like a lovely man who will be missed. Thoughts are with you!