How to support dm

[monthin]

She was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer eighteen months ago and has done reasonably well on chemo until now. Unfortunately her last scan showed that the tumours have grown, so the consultant has suggested a break from chemo for a few weeks and she has an appointment in three weeks to discuss further chemo.

From the phone call we gathered that the remaining chemo option is harsh, and she needs to think about whether she wants to go ahead and potentially feel worse for no real benefit.

Anyway, the rest of the family are very emotional about it all, I'm the practical one who according to the rest of them "has a swinging brick" instead of a heart. I definitely have my moments but tend to put on a brave face - death doesn't scare me and I don't feel that everyone weeping and wailing will be much help to dm. I accept that a lifelong smoker in their 70's dying from lung cancer is kind of expected, so I don't find it shocking, and I want to support her and DF the best I can.

What is the best approach? Carry on with life as normal, take her out, cook her nice meals, try and make the most of the time she has? I just feel like I don't know how to act. It doesn't help that she has a closer emotional relationship with my siblings. Can anyone advise?

Anyone?

I’m sorry to hear about your mum.

I lost my Mum - who I had a bit of a weird relationship with- to bowel cancer in 2019.

I think the best thing to do is just be led by your mum. Ask her what she’d like to do and support her in that. With my mum we made the most of the good days and as they got less we adapted and had things like takeaways at home / we did her garden for her so she had somewhere nice to look out to etc. Eventually she did need hospice/ nursing home care - i would look into your options now if you feel you can so you have some sense of control. Google nhs continuing healthcare as this will provide options for care further on.

For my DH - he wanted to be treated as normal - not the bloke with cancer. He was much much more tired so we only did little things, lunch would mean he had an afternoon nap. I'd suggest things to her and see what she says.

Fortunately we have a lovely hospice fairly close by, and I know that's where she will want to go if necessary.

We have a few things planned including a few days away soon. Her sister isn't helping as every time we do anything she keeps telling dm she needs to rest (which she does, but she also isn't ready to give up)

@monthin

Fortunately we have a lovely hospice fairly close by, and I know that's where she will want to go if necessary.

We have a few things planned including a few days away soon. Her sister isn't helping as every time we do anything she keeps telling dm she needs to rest (which she does, but she also isn't ready to give up)

I think people just struggle to know what to say... People kept telling my Mum to rest too. It used to really annoy her. When she had the energy to do stuff she wanted to do stuff! She’d tell them she’d have plenty of time to rest in a few months when she’d be dead (ever the realist)! It’s funny the things you find to smile about when you’re going through some awful times.

So sorry to read about your mum. From our experience it's best to carry on as near to normal as possible. Mil had lung cancer and lived for over 2 years after diagnosis. During this time as long as she was able, we would go out to dinner. She'd cook if we visited her house. She came on holidays with us. She continued to go out and about with friends. She pushed herself to the bitter end. She wouldn't be told to rest as she was never one to sit down for long. She lived her life as best she could until she went to the hospice. No regrets looking back. She'd have hated to be forced to rest and miss out on opportunities to have a 'normal' last couple of years.