I have Stage 4 cancer

[SerenaTuccot]

Diagnosed a year ago. Had 12 rounds of really brutal chemo. Now doing radiotherapy. I’m holding it together for the kids. But I am scared and angry and lying here awake and need to vent.

I’m in my 40s. My kids are not yet 10. It is so unfair.

I have amazing support from DH and my family & friends. But the thought of my kids having to go through life without their mum floors me.

And I am so sad and angry for what I will miss. I will never know them as adults.

I just needed to write that down and not hold it all in.

How awful for you, your family and children. I am sorry to read this. I really have no words of helpful sentiments or advice. The legacy you leave your children will be invaluable when you have gone. Talk to them about you as much as possible and write them. Letters, cards and anything you have written will mean everything to them when you are gone.

@SerenaTuccot I'm so sorry to read your post. It's good that you have support around you. What type of cancer do you have if it's not to personal to ask.

My dh also 40 has stage 4 bowel cancer, it's beyond heartbreaking.

There is a thread in general health for people with cancer or if your not up to that we have a thread here called still the storm which is caregivers.

Sending love

I didn’t want to read and run OP, I am so sorry, that’s indescribably tough and sad.
Sending you a big hug 💐

No wonder you are so sad and angry. Sending you love and prayers.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

Myself and my siblings lost our dad when we were young. It was devastating at the time but when we talk about it now we can see what an effect both he and his death have had on our lives. We are strong and resilient and have made life choices based on our understanding that life can be very short and that we need to enjoy it. We all do jobs that we love and a good work life balance. I'm grateful for everything my dad taught us, in both life and death.

Much love to you OP.

Thanks so much for your replies.

@Leobynature I have put together a scrapbook of photos and letters for them. I hope that will be enough. One thing I have realised is I have loads of photos of the kids or the kids with DH but hardly any of me - esp me with the kids - because I take all the family photos in my phone. Trying to make up for it now.

@loubieloo4 So sorry to hear about your DH. Being the partner is very difficult. I hope you have support too. Thanks for the thread recommendations. Mine is pancreatic cancer.

@oohmamama thank you so much. That is unbelievably comforting to read. I hope my kids will be ok. I just worry so much this will impact them so much they’ll never get over it. Not in an ego way - just I can’t imagine being without my mum and I’m in my 40s. It is so helpful to read that there can be a positive and healthy way for them to get through this.

Oh I’m so so sorry, completely heartbreaking. Thinking of you. Life is so cruel and unfair sometimes. Wishing you love and strength to you and your family xx

Aside from letters for your children, a relative of mine who was e,dearly wrote out all the family history that he could remember. So what he remembered of his parents, grandparents etc and also childhood memories. Not all was complementary but 30 years in when I started researching the family it has proved a wonderful resource and includes memories about people you find on ancestry but with non of the personal stuff. It was an amazing legacy

Shit, I'm so sorry. One thing I miss about my dad is hearing his voice. Can you make a voice recording or video. Maybe read your favourite book aloud for them to listen to when they are teenagers/adults.

@MrsBrunch That is a great idea. I've written notes for them about my favourite books and music. I like the idea that they could listen to or read something and know that I loved it too. But I hadn't thought of recording myself reading it. Might have to choose carefully - my favourite book is Middlemarch which is a loooong read.

@Sunflowergirl1 That is a great idea. And something I could do with my siblings too. They are all at a bit of a loss. We are a very close family. It affects everyone.

So sorry to read this. Cancer is such a bastard.

For the DC, letters and photos and voice recordings will be treasured. So hard to prepare, but they love you are pouring into this effort will be so appreciated.

Your DC will not forget you, their wonderful mum. Spend all the time you have just loving them.

💐 and a hug to you for this hard journey.

I’m so sorry, OP, sending you a hug and some 💐, thinking of you, this has really touched me. Of course you need to have a place to say what you can’t always say in RL, a safe space to let go. I hope that’s here, although you obviously have wonderful support at home.

There are some lovely suggestions here, the voice recording, and the fact that you’re doing a scrapbook and letters to your DC is beautiful. It must be very difficult to do, and you sound like a very brave and loving person.

The only thing I can think of that hasn’t been mentioned is a video of you. I don’t know whether you’d feel comfortable with it, and I don’t want to offend you, but they’d be able to see you moving about, the way you smile, you talking to them about things that might be helpful as your DC get older. I don’t know if you’ve written letters to your DH too, or if it’s something he’d be okay with?

Dear OP, love and strength to you, holding you in my thoughts, and hoping that your treatment gives you the time and wellbeing you need to spend with your family and friends.

OP - I am very sorry to hear of your diagnosis. There is a book written by Kate Gross, who had bowel cancer in her thirties, which may be of interest to you. It's 'Late Fragments - everything I want to tell you about this magnificent life', which she wrote as a way of trying to make sense of what was happening and, especially, her feelings for her young sons and her legacy to them.
www.theguardian.com/books/2015/feb/05/late-fragments-kate-gross-review-colon-cancer-dying-family

Wishing you strength to deal with the treatment and time with your family.

@SerenaTuccot

Imagining how things feel for a child as an adult is really difficult. When we are an adult our thinking is very fixed. Children are very resilient. As children my siblings and I knew how loved we were by my dad. It just became the 'norm' to just have a mum. As we grew we knew we were loved and we had everything taken care of by our mum. I'd do anything not to have lost my dad and of course I missed him incredibly, beyond words. but we grew around the grief as a family and grew closer because of it. I'm a better, kinder person for having lost him and when I feel proud of who me and my siblings have become, it reminds me of him, which is now a lovely feeling.

So sorry OP it is so unfair.

Hoping that some of the suggestions you've had might help.
@oohmamama you sound lovely and such a credit to both parents.

@SerenaTuccot your children will know you, and remember you with love and I suppose in your awful situation I might ask family and friends to make sure to keep talking to them about you.

There might be stories you can tell to them from your perspective (Uncle Jack will tell you I was a wild teen but don't believe all of it. Except maybe.... Story of your choice).

Middlemarch is so long, if you tell a few of your own stories or maybe read an extract from a book, or even a book they liked when they were little it might be nice.
Or the story of how you met their dad, some nice things about him, and what drives you mad, maybe some things that he says are annoying about you too!

I don't know if this sounds odd but from a practical perspective if you have a daughter maybe you could put a few notes about when you started your periods and any complications you had with pregnancy, and if your children were early or overdue etc.
I'm really sorry to mention that, I debated typing it or not but it might be a question they would have.

Now despite the above about stories I will say you can't preempt all the things they will want to know, so do spend time now living the moments you do have and not only planning all this, I can't imagine how very difficult it is. 💐