Pancreatic cancer - ExH

[RoseyOldCrow]

Hi. I would appreciate any experience you may have had of this awful situation - I'm currently struggling to process what is happening & the implications.
My ex husband has just been diagnosed (during the last fortnight) with stage 3 pancreatic cancer; it has spread into his lymph system. Hospital are putting him on a fierce chemo regime starting on Friday, fortnightly for 12 weeks. Currently the cancer is inoperable.
We share an amazing DS (17) who I'm fairly sure understands all that is going on. DS lives with me, DH & our DD & he has always seen his Dad every fortnight despite the 30 mile distance. Obviously they have not seen each other during lockdown, with the exception of a couple of times in the last fortnight as the situation has developed.
Obviously I am desperately sad for ExH & his partner and clearly for my DS, who is of course my main priority along with DD. DS is at college & thus far has been an amazingly motivated student.
If anyone could give me any advice as to how to handle all of this news & the oncoming, inevitable bereavement, then I would be deeply grateful. At the moment, all that I want to do is to cry and to drink wine, in sadness for my son and my poor ex-husband - we have had our differences in the past but this is not something I would wish on any soul at all.

I am so sorry to hear this, I have no direct experience so just bumping for you and your DS

Be there for your ds. He will need you.
It is hard my mum went through it and sadly passed she could not be operated on and treatment would prolong as couple off months but would have made her last couple off months harder with side effects.
She was 74
If you have any questions I will try and help
Stay strong for your son.

We are going through this now with my DH, (stage 4 lung cancer) our 17 has open access to counselling at college - we've been in touch with our local hospice for family support as well. We just tell him the truth and answer all the questions (hugs)

its so painful and so terrible you think, well there must be away to do this so it hurts less, so that it is least damaging, there must be a list of things to say or do, i am not the only person this has happened to surely, there must be a guide, a path worn by other feet?

rosey the truth is that there is no best, or good or least painful way to navigate through this.

i am so sorry for you and yours, and for what its worth, i offer you the understanding of fellow travelers and the comfort that you are not alone.

@Frikonastik
Can I second your kind and caring post, please?
I lost my DH in Jan 2018 to lung cancer, and your words struck a chord with me
Dear Rosey, sending love to you and your family and anyone else going through this awful time. You are not alone, many of us are here for you.💐

Try to access info from local hospice, Maggie’s Centre etc. It helps to be able to talk to peers who understand.
I lost my DF at 16. It doesn’t define me. I grew up a bit faster than I wanted to, but it was bearable. My parents were also divorced and I lived with my mum and I think that (initially) made a difference as I didn’t physically miss him every day. I’m very close to my mum still 30 odd years later, but I wish she had taken better care of herself as selfishly she’s now my only parent and I worry about her.
You can help your son by taking good care of yourself-not so much wine and continuing to be as kind and empathetic as you obviously are.

Thank you all so much for your kind & supportive words, they have made me tearful again! I'm so sorry for all of you who have had to, or are currently experiencing, these awful diseases.

The idea of involving a counsellor is an excellent one, thank you. As is researching into hospices etc.

After an indulgent near-bottle of red last night, I have decided to stop drinking for the foreseeable future so as to be clear-headed & available for my son. (It will also do me good after too much during lockdown!)

I still can't quite believe what is happening, life seems more surreal than ever.

@RoseyOldCrow if your ex has remarried it will be the new wife looking after medical side so you are best to just be there for your son.

Interesting, Andi - he hasn't remarried, apparently I ruined all that for him... I believe that they are happy together though, which is what counts. She is a decent woman & I trust that she will do the right thing by him.

DS has been working hard today & has chatted to a couple of friends on line, being busy seems to have kept him quite positive.

I feel stronger today, we've had a relatively normal-for-now day & a chatty, family evening meal.
I haven't had anything alcoholic & feel quite good about that.

@RoseyOldCrow hope it all works out for you.
Just keep asking doctors plenty off questions if you are next off kin
The hospice will be able to help your son if he needs any extra support.
We had a big family and where all adults when mum passed but it still hurts no matter what age.
With covid19 it probably harder to get support. If hes happy chatting to friends online that great to distract him.

I just lost my mum a couple of months ago to pancreatic cancer, she was only 54. It is a terrible illness and I am so sorry you are all going through this. What I will say is that despite the dire statistics, we had 2 good years with my mum since she was diagnosed and made so many lovely memories in that time.

There are quite a few Facebook groups with people with the same diagnosis and it gives supplement advice (all approved by her oncologist) and dietary advice because it is a cancer that affects all that system and my mum couldn't eat certain foods anymore, so if you want some advice on that side of it I'm happy to share our tips. There are a lot of clinical trials with pancreatic cancer so hopefully the oncologist will also get him into one of those.

In terms of the other side of things, I would highly recommend the Maggie centres, they are really helpful. My mum had terrible depression and anxiety after her diagnosis, and depression is actually a symptom of pancreatic cancer so just be aware of that. It's very daunting and I found that doing nice things for myself still and my mum were what helped me cope, I also lived a couple hours away so I really made the most of the time I spent with her. Big hugs to you all in this horrible time

I’m sorry to hear your news OP,

My Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer aged 55, he started chemo straight away and coped fairly well. He was originally given just 6 months as the tumour was not operable. He had another 3.5 good quality years until the effects of chemo really got too him.

I would advise that you are honest about the cancer to your son, I was aware about how severe the type of cancer was as Hayley had just died on Coronation Street and there was a lot of media attention. It is a very aggressive cancer and often the outlook can be bleak

I agree with the above poster regarding clinical trials, there is a lot of research going on regarding Pancreatic cancer and this could be helpful if they see him a candidate.

My Dad had private medical care through work which helped massively as the NHS refused to fund some of his treatment. I’m not sure if this is an option for him?

You have a right to be upset, he is still your sons father and your ex husband, no one would wish this on anyone.

All the best xx

Thank you all for your comments, particularly the very welcome advice and for sharing your personal experiences. There is so much sadness because of this, it's so awful, I send love to you all - you're so brave.
XH has had 5 sessions of chemo now & according to DS isn't getting too many bad side effects, although I suspect that's him just trying to protect DS from it.
I think I've been in denial of the severity for a part of the last few months; not seeing him come to collect my DS from home EOW has left a hole even though we rarely spoke. (That denial has kept me from here, I didn't want to read the comments.)
DS has been coping pretty well as far as we can tell, throwing himself into most of his usual activities which see,s to have distracted him well.

Thanks again for your help x

Hi, I'm so sorry, I am losing too many people to this awful cancer. I just came on to post a link to this book which I just bought: www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1905410190?ref=ppx_pt2_mob_b_prod_image&tag=mumsnetforu03-21