How do you balance the needs of someone who is dying with your own?

[unwantedrelative]

I'm sorry if I sound selfish, but as my other thread says, my dad is dying. I am really struggling to cope with his need to have present a person who, in other circumstances, I would choose to have no contact with. I am totally aware that dads needs come first, but I am not sure if anyone has any words of wisdom to help me cope. This person has been here most of the weekend. I have respected dads need and wish to spend time with them and haven't asked anything of them in terms of timings etc. I have spent time with everyone together because Dad needs that too. But it has really taken its toll. I only relaxed when they left and am left feeling very upset and overwhelmed.
Is it just a case of getting on with it? Does anyone have any tips for managing?

Part of the reason for asking is because this person will be called when dad takes a turn for the worse and I am terrified about having to be there for dad as he actually dies with this person there. Strategies for coping are what I am after because I know that what dad wants comes first.

That sounds very hard. Can you focus 100% on your dad and try to effectively zone them out? A friend died recently after a long illness and his girlfriend chose to leave the hospital when his ex-wife and children arrived to spend the last days with him.
I felt so sorry for her - they brought each other so much joy, but she felt she had to make that space and wasn’t there when he passed. Her impact on his life was effectively erased. (Divorced for fifteen years and new relationship of only three years, not OW).
You are being so selfless to ensure your dad has everyone around him.
You don’t say why this person’s presence is so hard for you. Are you able to lay boundaries with them directly? Acknowledge whatever it is and say you are here for your dad, and ask them to equally respect your needs as well as your father’s? This only works with equal power dynamics obviously.

Thank you for that kind and empathetic response, Nach. It is very tricky. I found myself doing exactly what you suggest and establishing boundaries-effectively not being actively rude to this person but not engaging in conversation and not making eye contact. They are not a not actually a horrible person, but their need to be with my dad is in direct contrast for me to need to be myself. I don't feel I want or am able to be chatty or reveal anything of myself. Plus, being around a dying person involves warmth and comfort for them, holding hands etc. I really, really struggle with the vulnerability I am being forced to show while with a stranger I don't know. It's very exposing. My dad and I have had a very difficult relationship but I truly love him and want what's best for him. Alone, when this other person had gone, I could hold dads hand, reassure him and be natural. I clammed up before.

I know plenty of people would say I just need to get over it, but it is almost an involuntary, protective response. And even the rational part of me properly does not want to, need to. I am a little angry too.

I know plenty of people would say I just need to get over it

Anyone who says that to you should either be your dad (and therefore get a pass to a certain extent), or take their nose out of what they don't understand (because they are not you and as such have no right to tell you how to feel/react). Something else to remember is that you can only give and do so much, you have to take care of yourself - physically and emotionally. The place you're at is a horrible one, your instinct is to give and give, but it's okay to have personal boundaries - don't feel that you MUST display vulnerability if that's leaving you uncomfortable. What I'm trying to say is don't place yourself in a situation now, that may result in you resenting what you 'had' to do for your dad. You might feel some guilt for enforcing your limits but if you don't have them, you'll most likely feel a hefty dose of resentment plus a large side order of guilt for feeling that resentment (an utterly toxic mix that will make your grieving process even harder).

Sending gentle hugs and best wishes.

Thank you so much for another kind response. As you can see from the timings, my OP was written from a dark place in the early hours. I absolutely felt bleak. All of it was true and I'm glad I posted it.
I am so very glad that this morning, I also felt bleak (stay with it-there's logic!) and found my way to the Macmillan centre at the hospital. There, I was finally able to be listened to, by someone so skilled she managed to understand what I'd blabbered out and be so very warm and focused on what I need that I feel I can deal with this again.

Dad is moving to hospice care and the Macmillan lady is getting in touch there. She feels I need someone who can intervene for me, and, carefully balancing against dads needs, help others to understand when the demands of everyone's involvement are too much for me. It was amazing. I think with this, I can stop feeling frozen and unable to say what I need for fear of getting it wrong.

This is still very tough, but I feel now that, without making it a family member's burden, a bit of what I need can happen in amongst what everyone else needs. I can't have what I most want which is that this person isn't there at all, I get that. But I am no longer worrying about having to set all the boundaries.

And FishingPaws, I so very much needed to hear what you write there. It has really helped.

thinking of you. Cannot praise MacMillan staff highly enough.

I have come home and it is very nice to be here. 🙂

Sleep well @unwantedrelative

Be kind to yourself. Nothing about this is easy. Breathe. Eat. I’m glad you found Macmillan.

Thank you nach and Abbie. Have made today about self care, had a long bath and am going to bed until lunchtime. Need to recharge as dad had a bit of an unsettled night, is moving to hospice (my sister there to help with move) and the next critical thing will be just around the corner.

Just as I think I know what's happening with this relative, they change their plan. They are going again this weekend. I can't go all weekend but have planned to go for some of it. I have been asked to decide when I will go so that this person can plan their visit. Whilst it's considerate to be asked and for their visit to be planned around mine and not the other way round, put bluntly, I thought I would be able to play things by ear and have the luxury of not dealing with this again. I also know that spending a lot of energy worrying about this when dad could well not make it to the weekend is a bit pointless. And that dad will be pleased they are coming. That is the good bit. The rest is just too difficult and I want it to go away and for me to be able to focus on my dad, my family and myself. This is written to get it out of my brain and onto a "page" and I know that everyone has needs. But I so wish this person's needs didn't involve being so involved.

I think I might have found my peace with this. Went to see dad today and outlined whole situation to palliative care doctor, for their sake but hugely helpful to me too. No one is wilfully upsetting anyone, it's just a lot too complicated to deal with alongside losing my dad soon. But I could easily get eaten up with it and ruin the little time he has left. I'm stronger than that. But ask me again tomorrow...😉
Mostly I feel better because I sat by dad's bed while he slept and had a good, long chat to him when he woke up. Including a giggle.

It’s a sad time OP. Sorry to hear you’re going through this extra stress.

If you go and that person is there, you could just say hi to your dad and stay for five minutes and then say ‘ I’ll just go for a walk and give you some privacy for ten minutes’ and that way when you come back in a short while they may do the same for you? Or if they don’t take the hint you could ask them ‘would it be ok if I have ten mins with my dad alone’ and hopefully you can get by like that.
That way at least you get a bit of alone time if you both end up there at the same time despite trying to make arrangements to take turns (and id schedule turns for sure ‘not because you don’t want to see the person but because it gives dad more hours if the day with company’ yeah of course).

It’s awkward having to share a loved one with a stranger at such a sad time. I’ve been there with a parent too.

Sending you much love. We had this sort of scenario when my FIL was dying. The hospice staff were amazing. It didn’t really make anything better for my DH about it (and I have NEVER felt so angry about someone’s behaviour/the situation/a scenario as I did at the time) but that it was recognised and held as valid for my DH and others to feel that way by the hospice staff was so helpful.

Keep venting if you need to. Love and peace to all in a difficult place like this

Thank you Eleiza and NoSquirrels. It really did make all the difference today to see the doctor. It was fact giving really, but just telling the whole story was extremely cathartic. And having my position acknowledged as difficult too. I was never going to make a scene, but I feel when I bump into this person again, which I will do, I will not freeze like I did last time.