What to tell my children about their aunty being ill. Not sure how to handle this.

[Choccybiccy5634]

Hello, after some advice.

We are a very close family and my beautiful sister in law, my brothers wife and mother to my lovely little niece has secondary breast cancer, now on her bones. There are limited choices left in terms of treatment. I think I've been in denial for some time, I knew it wasn't curable but I felt it could be controlled for some time. My children are 12 and 9 and my sil has battled cancer for some years, so since they were very young. We have talked a little to say that she isn't going to get better but hoping that they will find a way of keeping the cancer at bay. My 12 year old suffers from debilitating health anxiety, we also have had other family illness during this time. He is worries he is ill or I will be, or someone close to him. I'm trying to keep everything together for everyone but I think my children can sense things aren't right, I get very emotional and they can see it.

What should I be saying to my children? Should I be worrying them when we dont know if she could be ok for some time?

I'm not actually sure this all makes sense, but thank you for listening to me...xx

The best advice is to be honest.

Maybe initially, just say that sil is poorly again. They will probably deduce this from overheard conversations. If they ask directly, is she going to die. Be honest, say possibly but the doctors are doing everything they can and giving her the best treatment.

You've got to be honest. Health anxiety or not. Death and serious illness is always going to be around whether there is an anxiety around it or not.

If you tell them the truth, he can do whatever he needs to do (research, talk to aunt, block it out, counselling etc etc) and prepare for the day.
If you downplay it, avoid the truth or lie then when she DOES die it will mess them up (especially him) even more because they'll see a woman who they knew was ill but was doing 'okay' die. And if aunt can 'just die' any time when nobody expected it then so can mum.

They need to prepare, understand and appreciate every minute they spend with her.

Thank you Bobbybluecat. That makes sense, thank you. I think I was trying to cushion them until its absolutely necessary.

Agree with Bobbybluecat.

Would they find it helpful to plan fundraising in honour of their Aunt? Sometimes a focus can help.

Ah. I’m so sorry. It’s such a shitty situation. I’m also in a similar one in that my lovely SIL has an aggressive Grade 4 brain tumour. She’s well at the mo, but it is a life limiting diagnosis.

My children are similar ages to yours and we’ve answered their questions honestly but we’ve not forced the issue iyswim. They know their Aunty has a brain tumour or a “problem” with her brain but they don’t, at the moment know the true picture.

I have a medical background which is semi useful in that I know what channels may be helpful but also makes me acutely aware of how difficult and traumatic it will be for everyone. I’m the only medic in the entire family so I’m often looked to for info which I usually don’t have!

I’ve let my DC’s schools know what’s going on in case things change rapidly.

Is your SIL under the care of a hospice? They may well have support services for children there.

If you’re religious then your Church may be a great source of support to the children especially if it’s a familiar place to you all.

I have referred families to the charity Winston’s Wish and although I’ve not yet used it I hear great things.

Another thing I’m really suggest is taking care of YOURSELF: your OP reads like your someone who looks out for everyone else. Please think of you too.

Love and light.

Thank you thank you Xigris. Yes, they are all in the care of the hospice and my sil did say it is available to us all. I would love to talk to you privately if you dont mind? Let me know xx

Of course you can! Pm me xx