What the fuck to say?

[Amoamasamat]

Devastated to hear that my lovely friend has been told he has weeks/months left to live. I saw him last month at a sporting event and he had no idea anything was wrong. Now he has very aggressive cancer and nothing can be done. He has young dcs. His life was exciting and all ahead for him. People need him here. He is too young.

My question is what do I actually say when I see our at the next meeting? Of course I've messaged my love, sympathy and offers of practical help but he doesn't want lots of people sobbing, fluffing around him or telling him how devastated they are. But I don't think I'll just be able to chat about our hobby or the weather with the terrible terrible elephant in the room either.

Can anyone give me any suggestions on how to deal with my friend's terrible news in a way that doesn't make it worse for him?

I had a dear friend in a similar situation. She said she much preferred the friends who sat down and said frankly ‘well, this is shit, isn’t it?’ than those who fluttered around with platitudes about bravery and how devastating it was, etc, as you say.

So the elephant in the room was acknowledged and she could talk about it or not depending on what she felt like - it gave her permission to rant if that’s what she needed, or she could just skim over it and guide the conversation somewhere else if she preferred.

And I’m so sorry about your friend. It’s horrible news for everyone concerned, and you sound like a good friend.

Well this is shit isn't it?

It is. Thank you. That's actually really helpful.

I couldn’t ignore the Big Fat Elephant in the room either. I’d probably just repeat what I’d said in the messages tbh.

Maybe make plans to get together again soon or whatever you normally do ...are you friends as families too or just 1:1?

If you really want something not too emotional you could go for something like

‘Fuck mate, cancer is a bastard, I’m here IF YOU want to talk. What do you need right now - to talk or to be distracted?’

Poor bloke and his DW & kids xx

Our families are friends through us but he's been my personal friend a long time before either of us had marriages and dcs. I like his wife but I don't think she'd see me as someone to turn to. She has a large and supportive social group and family of her own.

You could try 'how are you?'
The reply that will tell you how he wants it to go:
If he gives details and speaks about how he feels, take his lead and ask him how he's coping with it, etc.
If he gives a very short response that signals he doesn't want to talk about it, just chat away about the everyday stuff that is happening to you, local news, the weather etc.
But either way, when leaving, ask if there's he'd like you to do.

I’d say similar. But I’d say how nice it was to see them too. They are your friend. They are still alive. Let the conversation flow but genuinely say something from your heart? Like...

Hey, great to see you! Christ so sorry. Hug or friendly arm hold...
Then I’d gage them... if they are looking a bit awful... move it on to talk about anything, honestly the weather anything... just keep it going.

And then share a really nice memory of them, say something that means something. Like... do you remember that party? So funny... gosh you were the life and soul. I love that about you, you just have a way of making everyone else feel good when you are around.

These are precious moments for them.

Thank you, @mineofuselessinformation, I like the question How are you coping? too. It feels better than just How are you (which I suppose has a very obvious answer - shit).

And @Clearnightsky I agree I'll need to take the cue from his response. I like the idea of bringing up a few happy memories but only if I can manage it without it feeling a bit to clunky and obviously 'in memoriam'.