Having another child for stem cells

[Losingmyboy]

My friend has asked me to post this, any replies will be her own from here on, please be kind:

My husband and I have one child together. We recently found out husband has a genetic disorder with 50% chance of blood cancer. Our child may have the same disorder, we are awaiting results. Stem cell treatment from our child’s pregnancy or that of a siblings pregnancy would have a high chance of curing the cancer should they develop it. We didn’t store their stem cells from birth.

He wants to have a vasectomy (his choice), but because of the latest possibilities that our child might have the same disorder and risk of blood cancer, I would like to leave the option of having more children open.

I’ve always wanted more kids, he doesn’t. He obviously won before, but I just feel having another baby would complete our family and have the added bonus of stem cells harvested from the cord for our first child and also second should they need it. I did want to harvest our child’s stem cells but he thought it was a crazy idea.

My issue is, if our child does have the disorder and he has a vasectomy - I really don’t think I could remain married to him for removing the chance of another child and chance of a cure. I can’t imagine being with someone who wouldn’t do anything possible (least of all have a wonderful addition to our family) for our child if they gets sick. I will do anything for my child, but to have another baby is something I would want regardless, I respected he didn’t - as much as it pains me - but things have changed.

We have been told we could have IVF treatment to ensure baby doesn’t have same disorder.

!!!! I’m looking for some guidance, but we are all in a very bad place at the moment and mentally this is breaking us, so please be kind !!!!

"I did want to harvest our child’s stem cells but he thought it was a crazy idea."

Why did he win that argument? Unless there were risks involved i can't see why you wouldn't do it? I would have been angry with him for resisting and would have insisted on it (assuming only mother's consent is required since she is the pregnant one).

Anyway, it's too late to debate that now. But I would guess that as a result of that decision, there is already tension and possibly resentment / anger between them. The marriage could well be on shaky ground whether or not they have another child.

I assume that if your friend got pregnant with a second child, that child would need to be genetically his, in order for the stem cells to be of use??

Ps is it really your friend or is it actually you?

It is for my friend, I have no issues posting my own issues.

Friend: He argued on the cost and didn’t think it was worth the money. He won the argument because it’s his income, I don’t work.

The chances of a match is most likely with full blood relatives for stem cells taken from cord. I wouldn’t want the baby to donate bone marrow unless they were old enough to consent, I only agree on stem cells from the cord because it’s painless

So he gets the final say on financial decisions because he works and she's a SAHM? Time for her to go back to work, then!

(And he can do his share of childcare drop offs and pick ups, taking time off work when child is too ill for childcare, etc)

Just a practical word of caution: IVF to screen out disorder may well not work. IVF rates for fertile couples are actually not that much higher than for infertile couples. I tried IVF screening for a genetic disorder and the first two rounds were completely unsuccessful with no eggs harvested, third round 12 eggs, from which 9 viable embryos, 7 of which had the disorder (bad luck considering it was a 1 in 4 chance as autosomal recessive rather than autosomal dominant). I had two embryos implanted neither of which took. Don’t mean to be gloomy (and this was 10 years ago so things may have improved) but it’s probably important to go in with your armour raised. As it happened I then got pregnant naturally and my child was unaffected with the disorder. Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

IVF to reduce risks of passing on a genetic condition would be costly, and would a sibling’s stem cells be guaranteed to match?

It's not that simple @anotheremma being a SAHM is often a decision made with the best interests the child at heart and just "off you pop back to work" is a bit of an annoying response. That's not the debate here.

Friend of OP. If you'd husband catagorically doesn't want another child it would be wrong to force him too. I would explore all other routes first in case you or him are matches for marrow etc. At least to show him your trying all other avenues.
It sounds like you don't yet know if your child has the condition? Is that correct

PGS via IVF is not accurate at spotting rare genetic conditions or cancer causing genes.

With regard to number of children, I think the parent who wants the least number gets the deciding vote.

It sounds like a very tense and tragic situation but I'm not sure having another child is a good idea. What if the second DC was disabled or had a serious disease? Would you be able to cope with it alongside DH's 50% chance of getting cancer and the same potentially for your DC?

I actually watched my sisters keeper the other day where a child was conceived via ivf with the hope of curing a sibling. I think ethically and morally your friend needs to think about how the child would feel when /if it found out.

Sounds like your friend had sort of decided that their family was complete. Can they not see of their current child is affected and go from there?

"being a SAHM is often a decision made with the best interests the child at heart and just "off you pop back to work" is a bit of an annoying response."

Well it's not in the child's best interests for the working parent to be financially controlling. Having a SAHP only works if there is equality and respect in the relationship, if the working parent values their important contribution and if they make joint decisions.

So yeah, if I was a SAHM and my partner started being an arse about it, I would go back to work to protect my financial independence.

It's not the point of the thread, but it also IS the point of the thread, because if there is a power imbalance in the relationship, it affects the decision making, and that has clearly been an issue here.

I agree a second child is not an option if the DH doesn't want one. Not least because the relationship isn't solid.

@Surfskatefamily I think it is wrong of him to force me not have one, removing the possibility of a cure

@DreamingofSunshine right now, I am most concerned about my child. There is nothing I can do to change his chances, there is something I can for my child and that is my focus. I find it particularly hard that he may not even be around if and when my child develops cancer. I will be the one left with a child battling for their life. The fact he won't allow her that chance seems incredibly cruel to me.

@Mummyshark2018 I know the movie, this is different, any future children would not be used for donors, it is for stem cells taken from the cord, not the child. I could have a child with someone else and there would be some percentage of chance that it would be a match, not as high as full blood sibling though. At this present time, I am considering donor sperm and going it solo if my child has the gene.

@AnotherEmma I think you are right, there is a power imbalance and this important conversation has put everything into perspective. I think we should do everything for our child if they have the gene, including precautionary measures. The fact he doesn't agree, places him on a completely different page to me. I can and I will use a sperm donor if I need to, he can decide whether he is happy with that or not.

My child comes first, and no-one will stand in way, least of not a man who puts himself before his child.

Thank you everyone for the clarity.

P.s. I would have more income going solo anyway! Maybe he should have considered that when he started controlling my money.

I am handing this account back to my friend (Thank you Claire) but will be able to read your responses. Thank you xoxox

So when your husband laughed off the stem cell harvesting from the cord, did he know about his 50% chance and that it could be passed to the child?

So much of what you're saying is about having a child purely as a saviour sibling. So all you need is the cord and their job is done. That perspective is colouring your view, you need to take this whole thing out of the scenario, as hard as that is. The fact youd go as far as using donor sperm confirms this.

On a separate note - you sound like you dont like your husband and hint that he is overly controlling. You need to think about that on it's own because in a lot of ways, it's a far bigger and more definite issue.

(I dont blame you for looking at this through tunnel vision at all. You are a parent who would do anything for her child. But should you have a second child you have to think about how this will impact them. Especially given they are likely to become aware of some of the circumstances of their birth if you use a donlr)

I will be 100% honest I would have a child, with or without my partner. My DD almost died when she a baby, if I could have helped her in anyway I would have.

Good luck, I wish your and your DC the best of health

PGS via IVF is not accurate at spotting rare genetic conditions or cancer causing genes.

No but PGD is and is available on the NHS if any existing children are affected with the condition and the affected gene can be identified.

OP my DC has a genetic condition and further children have a 50% chance of also inheriting the condition. So I do have some understanding of sibling dilemmas. I would want PGD but they can't find the mutated gene yet so it's not an option for us at the moment.

When will you find out about your DD having the cancer gene or not? I guess no final decision can be made yet anyway, and perhaps DH might have a different view once he knows what he's facing.

However whatever happens, I don't think your husband is wrong to feel the way he does about having another child. Not everyone will feel comfortable about bringing a child into the world solely for the purpose of helping an existing child. That is probably how he views it as he hasn't wanted a second child anyway. The second child doesn't currently exist but they will exist in the same way your existing child does now.

Equally you are also not wrong, it's just sad and difficult that you both have different views on it. You are also within your right to end the relationship if having a second child is a dealbreaker for you. But this doesn't mean your husband is in the wrong. There are no winners here.

I'm a bit confused about collecting the stem cells from existing baby's cord if he's only recently found out about the cancer risk. Is baby very young and you were pregnant when you found out?

Not everyone will feel comfortable about bringing a child into the world solely for the purpose of helping an existing child.

Sorry just to be clear, I know this isn't what you would be doing as you wanted another child anyway. But it's what you are asking your DH to do as he doesn't want another child under normal circumstances.

The problem is the genie is already out of the bottle. You’ve faced a dilemma together and come out with opposing opinions. I sincerely hope that all of your percentages come out in your favour and your family have good health. I think whatever happens you and your husband have some difficult conversations ahead.

If your friend is thinking about having another child with a man other than her DH then the marriage is over.

Your anger and vitriol towards your H is unfair. Him not wanting IVF for DC2 in the hope that (1) they won’t have the same risks and (2) stem cells might help your DC1 if they become unwell doesn’t mean he cares about your DC less than you do.

Do you even know the potential stats for the “possibility of a cure” from sibling stem cells?

Is there any way he would consider freezing sperm "just in case" and possibly freezing your eggs as a sort of insurance policy? Obviously I don't know your age or whether this would be possible. It would mean that if anything happened to him or your child, you would have the chance to have another baby. I know it's not a solution, more of a sticking plaster.

Is this definitely your only potential option? I read somewhere you could harvest stem cells from baby teeth.

There is also a stem cell bank in the UK where you can look for potential matches (I know, I donated my son's stem cells there).

I also heard a scientific podcast which was talking about research where they were growing stem cells from other cells . It sounded like there was a way to go but they had made progress.

Freezing sperm/eggs also seems a good option.

It's natural to worry but this is out of your control. You need to learn to live with the risk, just like we all live with the risk that we might well have a crash any time we get into our car.

Don't ruin your present on something bad that might or might not happen in the future. None of us really know what's going to happen down the line.