Personal Care of DF - devastated

[Mother87]

DF 90 palliative care...not long to go... Have I made a huge mistake? Inbetween hospice@home/carers/night-sitters it's just me looking after DF for a few hours (sent DM to mine each night as she's just not coping) Have had to help DF with toiletting - handled quickly/as 'discreetly' as possible... but he's in/out of being lucid... had 'terminal agitation' yesterday and said terrible terrible things to me. I've been told it happens/it's upsetting but 'normal' And tonight for the first time during this god-awful process, i tried to help him to pee in a bottle (been a commode so far/easier to shield the view somehow) and he looked at me in total disgust/shaking his head as to why we're both in this horrifying position... Have i done the very worst possible thing to my very dignified/proud DF by trying to be here every second... I'm devastated

Ajandjjmum - thank you... that can only be good... yes her strength/maturity/support astounded me - and simply 'mucking-in' with all of everything - we're lucky aren't we

Bless you, I hope you find some peace xxxx

At peace now, and he departed with messages of love - the best any of us can hope for, and you were key to making that happen. Well done.

Mishappening/hero - thank you xx

Gentle hugs.

Minxmumma - thank you x

You should be so proud of yourself for being there not only for your dad, but for your mum too who will really need the rest.
I was in this same position with my dad and I feel so proud that I was able to look after him like he looked after me when I was a little girl. That’s what family is, true unconditional love. Through the good times and bad xxx

I’ve just seen your update. What a handsome smart man your dad was x

Thank you carno13 - when did your DF pass away? It's sad/intense/the worst and the 'best' isn't it... today DD/DM and I chose his clothes for the funeral... and he WAS indeed so smart/particular about everything & we wanted to do him proud... allowing for lots of tears and comforting each other - it took HOURS... agonising over the right tie-pin/cufflinks etc etc... and then everything we picked we wanted to keep... i knew these moments in life would be hard but... DO they make us stronger??

I've only just seen this thread and read it straight through. What an outstanding daughter you've been to your father, your mother too.

It is a privilege to be there when someone dies. I know what you mean about choosing the right clothes. I still have a moment when I see my late DH pop up on the rolling photos on my laptop, wearing the shirt we chose for his funeral.

I'm not sure such experiences make anyone stronger, just more information that makes us what we are, for better, for worse.

Many , Mother87

This is the first time I have read your thread too. I feel very honored to have shared in it. @Mother87 , how are you and your family doing?

Your father sounds like an absolutely amazing man and you gave him such incredible love through his life and in the final days. I am sure he felt that.

Sending hugs,xxxx

Sorry for your loss echt..yes, the clothes😢 thankyou bravegoldie... i was expecting something 'magical' to happen in my head/heart after the funeral... that somehow the pain would diminish... i dropped the donations at the hospice@home office this morning and saw a couple of the nurses who'd visited us in the last few days... i was/am a 'wreck' - cannot 'control' my tears (have given up trying I suppose) I have NO semblance of 'being strong' whatsoever...

The Taoist monk said to me at daddy's funeral 'you must not cry or your father will find it hard to begin his journey' and me/DM/DD DID all stop for a few minutes... I obviously need a Chinese monk as my new best friend - how the hell does anyone/everyone get through this?! I'm in my kitchen 'surrounded' by dad - he was ALWAYS here and left stuff EVERYWHERE... And his favourite chair is empty - well im sitting in it now... how/why does everything have to change... he was so vital so here so interesting & interested and I'm supposed to just carry on... sorry if i'm being 'indulgent' but I honestly do not know what to do with myself... and my nest is suddenly empty with DS21 having gone off (he was my 'pal' - made me laugh)... he passed away 14 days ago - is that a long time/not long/long enough... is this life now? Xx

You haven't been indulged at all, this is very early days, and as you'll discover, it doesn't go away, it becomes a part of your life.

There's a thread on Bereavement for people in your position, one you can drop in and out of:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/3693544-Support-For-Anyone-Coping-With-The-Loss-Of-A-Parent

Oh Mother,
No - It is not long at all. And it is not self indulgent to grieve.... it is an essential part of being human. You cry, cry, cry all you need to. You have lost your father. He was a wonderful father too. And I am so very very sorry for your loss. And don't think that grieving and feeling sad are the opposite of strong..... they are the same right now. You are having the courage to face the loss you feel in the most honest way.... give yourself the kindness of feeling everything you need to.

I am sending warm hugs......

Goldie

Echt - thanks for that... found my way onto that thread a few days ago - it all helps & is very comforting... i suppose i'll get there... thanks bravegoldie... am trying to be gently with myself... sort of 'stuck' with dad's stuff/photos/more stuff everywhere... looking at it/smelling it really hurts - but I can't/don't want to move it all... am sure everyone finds their way eventuallybut thank you ... x

I was there 11 months ago when my dad passed after a long illness. Like you I was a total daddy’s girl and I still miss him everyday. I’m crying now reading your thread as I remember caring for him. He was a bit more medicalised at the end than your dad I think- feeding tubes and catheters and so on, but earlier in his illness I helped him with his personal care and spoon fed him. I look back in those times and feel proud for doing it for him and happy for the time we spent even when he was too sick to really be aware of everything. I am certain he knew I was there at the end.
Some how, and I don’t know how, it gets easier in time. When my daughter died and again when dad died I thought I would too, but you carry on living on behalf of them. I can feel happy again now. I still cry for them, but it’s no longer all encompassing, and not everyday- which is what they’d want. I’m sure your daddy would have wanted you to be happy again. Made me smile thinking back to choosing dad’s funeral clothes. Unlike your dad my dad was a right scruff! I wanted to send him in his favourite t shirt with a curry stain down it. Mum did put her foot down at that! He would have loved it though.
Some times I take out his hat and wish wish wish he was still here.
I’m sorry i’m rambleing You’re a good daughter. He was lucky to have you and you’re lucky to have had him.

Oh paperyfish...sorry for your losses - your DF and daughter... so sorry... yes I can see how some of the things we went through with our DF's resonate... i'll carry your words of encouragement - as I have with all pp's and hope for this terrible terrible ache to ease... maybe just a little... thank youxx

Paperyfish... your DF's curry-stained tshirt made me smile... My DF was always so so dapper... except for when he was cooking or fixing things - so I did sneak a small screwdriver & 'oily rag' and one of his floppy/sailor hats into the casket with himmy final little act of rebellion...