Please or to access all these features

Life-limiting illness

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

End if life

8 replies

martysparty99 · 14/06/2019 22:24

Hi all, Im new here so not sure if this is the right place. My Mum has been in hospital now for about 2 months. She was admitted as she had 3 falls in a week. The last one her blood pressure was so low. They then found she had sepsis and liver or kidney issues. She got over sepsis even though at one point the doctors were not that hopeful.
My Mum is 93 and up until recently was living on her own with no help at all.
She then got sepsis again and then pneumonia, to add to the mix MRSA. They tried the usual antibiotics etc and fluids but that didnt work. I got called on really early one morning not knowing what to expect. They basically gave her pain killers to keep her comfortable.
I stayed all day but she was comfortable. She was then put on end of life pathway ( nobody at first told me what that meant)
Now apparently shes has plateaued and is not on the end of life thing.
I am an only child so all visiting is down to me. I dont begrudge it of course as she is my Mum but its draining and exhausting.
I was too visiting every day but trying to work and work through a house move made it impossible.
I feel the guilt thing when I dont visit. Now its so hard to see my Mum like she is, cannot really talk, doesnt eat/drink. Her eyes roll up in her head. I try to talk to her but its so hard. She tries to talk to me but the words dont come out.

I wonder how long is this going to go on for, I know nobody knows but I dont want my last memories of my dear Mum to be these. I am so confused right know, I dont really have anyone to talk to about it. My wife is great but I dont want to burden her as shes been through similar with her parents.
Ideally im looking for some sort of support group, is there such a thing? Depends where you live I assume.
Sorry for the long post, I just need to get it off my chest!

OP posts:
LuckyLou7 · 14/06/2019 22:29

Sending you a virtual hug.

And a link that might be of help.

www.mariecurie.org.uk/professionals/palliative-care-knowledge-zone/proving-good-quality-care/a-guide-to-end-of-life-services

Defenbaker · 14/06/2019 23:05

Hi OP,
I've been through this, with both my elderly parents. It's hard and so, so sad to watch an elderly parent decline. You mention you don't want to burden your wife, but having been through this herself I'm sure she would understand and want to support you through this, in any way that she can. Perhaps she could take a turn to visit sometimes, if there is nobody else who can help with that?

If my MIL goes downhill and ends up in hospital at the end of her life, I would be willing to do some solo visits to give my husband some respite from the situation. I'm sure you did what you could to support your wife, and now it's your turn to accept support.

Try asking the consultant for a prognosis as to how long your mother may have. It's not an exact science, but sometimes they can give a pretty accurate idea. My mother had been losing weight for several months (digestive issues and general lack of appetite) before she ended up in hospital after a series of falls. At the time of hospital admission she weighed less than 6 stone and the consultant applied for funding for a nursing home place (CHC). I said that I didn't think the funding would be granted, due to the criteria being very strict on that, and my mother having no diagnosis of any particular serious illness such as cancer etc. (Although she was getting weaker by the day and was seriously underweight, I still thought she had a few more months.) That was when he told me that she would qualify, due to her not being expected to live beyond 3 months. That shocked me... I should have realised it was getting close, the signs were all there, but to have it spelt out like that shocked me. She died peacefully, almost exactly 3 months from the day of that conversation. (I still wasn't ready. Maybe some people are never ready to lose their mothers.)

martysparty99 · 15/06/2019 14:01

Thanks for your replies, there are a few others that do visit but its only the odd visit but does help yes. My wife did offer but she has so much else to do, she works 3 days a week and then there are our 2 children one of which has autism.
I have spoke to the doctors numerous times and to be fair they have all been brilliant. Not just them but the nurses and all the other staff.
Somedays I feel its best for everyone if she went then others like you say I am not ready to loose her. My wife said its worst when its your last living parent. At the end of the day shed your Mum and you only get one dont you.

i know everyone has to go through this but its just so hard.

As I mentioned before I want to go and see my Mum but some days its so hard when I see her condition worsen.
I know I have a choice but if I dont visit id feel so guilty.
Not sure where this guilt comes from, perhaps being an only child means I feel I need to give back to my parents as they did so much for me.

They are planning to move her to a nursing home soon, as at one point she was on end of life pathway. But according to another doctor I spoke to she is now not. So im a bit confused.

Bottom line is I want my Mum to be at peace and not suffering. But shes my Mum and you only get one. I also know nobody lives forever and I just have to go through the process as everyone else does.

OP posts:
martysparty99 · 16/06/2019 11:31

Not sure what im doing on here today but heard last night my Mum passed away. I am of course very upset but there is a sense of relief that she is no longer in pain. Have to take it day by day now I suppose.....

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 16/06/2019 11:33

So sorry for your loss x

notapizzaeater · 16/06/2019 21:34

Sorry for your loss 💔

Cloverisover · 16/06/2019 21:47

I'm sorry for your loss - from your posts here I am sure she knew what a good and loving son she had.

MyNameIsArthur · 29/06/2019 11:49

So sorry for your loss OP Flowers

New posts on this thread. Refresh page