went to visit my FIL on his death bed last night.

[Picklemuncher123]

So, My FIL was diagnosed 2 years ago with cancer of the bladder, he had an operation to remove the cancer, which was a success but it did mean he required a colostomy bag. He then went on to develop some complications with his kidneys, which meant one of his kidneys had failed and he needs a further operation around 5 -6 months after the initial operation. Which subsequently meant he required a further 4 bags.. which is devastating as it is and must be so

Since then he just has not been 'right' he has always been poorly with something or other, always off to the doctors for various tests etc and the hospital just letting him go saying it is just a bug or just part and parcel of the operations he has had. In the last 2 years he has gone from being fit, going on holidays, and almost the leader of the family (makes a lot of decisions , can fix anything that is broken , very successful, husband, dad , grandpa, brother and good friend) To being robbed of his body completely, He cannot do anything physically because of his bags, and because he just feels so sick all of the time, and any food he eats just does not stay down.

Anyway, last Friday he got rushed into A&E just because his wife had absolutely had it with the fact he couldn't eat a single thing without being violently sick. - they did one test on him, and a biopsy and confirmed the cancer had returned and spread to his lymph nodes and his stomach and he had got 3 months max to live.

So since Friday he has been on fluids, antibiotics and morphine. But yesterday he made a decision with his wife my MIL that he wanted to come off all fluids, and antibiotics, and just remain on the morphine so he can pass away quicker.

My poor poor husband is just dreadful he is not coping at all, and I feel so so helpless , all I can do is be there for him cant I, he cant sleep, he says he feels so numb, he cant think he has been signed off work for 2 weeks , and this is even before his father has passed away :(

Anyway my husband wanted me to go with him to visit his dad last night.. which of course I did , Our DS was with my mum at our home. I got there and my MIL was at his bedside in bits, my husban in bits . and he looked so so poorly, so thin and frail I got there and sat down and he told me how thankful he was for walking into their lives and how amazing I am to their family. I just absoloutley broke down in tears. I also saw a tear fall from his eye onto the pillow and it is a moment that will stay with me forever, he is so brave and must be so scared.

I have never been in that situation before. I didnt say anything but just cried and cried. I left around half an hour later and I just told him take care and goodbye. I gave him a home made card from his Grandson ( or 20 month old DS) to keep at his bedside

But I just feel like i have to hold it all together for my husband who is currently breaking apart in front of me, so I needed somewhere to get it off my chest.

The whole situation is utterly heartbreaking, so so so sad and draining. I have to remain positive for my son, and for my husband.

This is so difficult. Why is life so unfair and cruel?

Has anyone been in a similar situation ?

:(

Not a situation I’ve been in, but it’s okay to grieve yourself too. It’s all well and good being strong for your husband but you need to look after yourself too. Take some time (with your family if easier) to talk about how you feel and process it, you’ll be a better support to your DH if you look after yourself too. He sounds like a lovely man, sorry for what you are going through

so sorry you are going through this op. When my dad was told he hadn't long left all he worried about was how we would cope, he.worried so much about leaving us, especially mum.
My SIL had a chat with dad (her fil) one night in his hospital bed. I still don't know to this day what she said to him but they were both crying. What I'm trying to say I guess is, just because he's your FIL doesn't mean you can't grieve too.
It's a tough tough time, be kind to each other and grieve together. Your FIL sounds a lovely brave man. My dad was so so brave and all he thought about was us, his family♥️

Yes my FIL a fit,athletic ex-USMC member was on the golf course with his daughter (my SIL) developed severe chest pain instructed her to call for an ambulance thought was having a heart attack and he actually had an aortic rupture) We made it to town from over 700 miles driving and my DH witnessed a seizure as he lay in ICU on life support. The next day we all gathered and said goodbye as we let him pass away as he had no brain activity. We then got on the road and drove to his hometown hundreds of miles away to prepare for funeral services. Heartbreaking,tragic. You're doing wonderful and just being present your husband will appreciate it.

My dad died last year. He had a short prognosis (aggressive cancer) and it was horrible knowing there’d be a decline, then watching the decline, and his last couple of weeks were so very hard for everyone. Watching him waste away was heartbreaking

I know my husband struggled, but in a different way to me. He had to watch me being hurt by it too, as well as dealing with his own sadness about my dad (they really loved each other). I think he felt that it wasn’t his place to be upset but honestly, it helped to know that he was upset because it meant that he loved dad. Grief is very individual and personal so your husband will most likely just be wrangling with his own head and heart at the moment and may well be able to compartmentalise your feelings from his. So don’t worry about staying strong/not upset.

At the time I couldn’t fathom that so many people have to go through this - either as the patient or as the family. The emotional strain on everyone is enormous.

I really feel for you all

My dad passed away in January this year, like your FIL he had suffered from bladder cancer but was lucky enough to only need the tumour removing & 1 dose of bladder chemo. He had been getting infirm over the last couple of years, had given up driving due to failing eyesight & had several bouts of being ill in bed & needing district nurse care. He was poorly over Christmas, nothing you could really put your finger on, his GP said he was starting with heart failure & prescribed tablets to manage it, he was having regular blood tests. At the beginning of January he still hadn't picked up, the doctor took more blood, the same night my parents got a call from the hospital, my dad's kidneys had failed, he was admitted the next morning & within two days we were told it was terminal, we were called several times because they thought he was dying but every time he rallied enough for us to go home, we visited every day & fed him as he couldnt manage to feed himself, he died nine days after being admitted, thankfully it was peaceful. It has taken a long time to learn to live without him but we are getting there, my mum has struggled, they were married for nearly 59 years, my son is living with her at the moment, it gives her a reason to carry on & some routine. It's not easy losing anyone, but losing a parent is really hard.

My DF is at the end of life with a similar scenario. He is now in a hospice and we think only has days left. In March he started suffering some pain and no-one could get the bottom of it. The bladder cancer had been cleared but the prostate seems to have been the issue. It is terrible t see him decline so quickly. My DM and DF have also been married fo 59 years. They planned to celebrate their 60th anniversary in September. That is not going to happen now.

Hugs for everyone else going through this. It is so hard. My DF is 81 and had a wonderful life and had never been ill before the bladder cancer. We are all devastated that we are going to lose him.