Do I take the kids to say goodbye to my dad?

[Anonymum40]

My lovely dad is dying in a hospice. He went downhill very rapidly from the end of last week. He is now mostly asleep and looks, well like he's dying... My kids are 12 and 16 and tbh I hadn't planned to take them to see him. I'd prefer them to remember him as he was. And I know my dad would hate them to see him like that... But a friend of mine who's been through the same experience told me it was 'recommended ' to take them for a 5 minute goodbye. WWYD???

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think in your position I'd ask my dc what they wanted. They are old enough to understand and make that choice for themselves. Explain that you don't mind whichever they decide but let them choose.

I agree with Frederick, I think at 12 and 16 they are old enough to make their own decision

I say no, unless they really want to. My 18 year old was very definite that she wanted to remember her grandad as he was before his final decline. They don’t need to be at his deathbed to ‘say goodbye’.

Give your children the choice

Well DD says she doesn't want to and DS isn't sure but wants to record a message for me to play him...
I just want to do everything right at this stage and not have any regrets.

My mum died in a hospice in March and I took my kids aged 6 and 16 to see her, right up until the day before she died (when she actually went unconscious). Both wanted to go, I think the best thing to do is explain what he might be like and then ask whether they would like to go. My eldest dd was very upset but wanted to go, my youngest was oddly very matter of fact about it and seems largely completely unaffected. Both are pleased they went.

I saw my grandad the day he died when I was 7 - he had throat cancer - and he did look very shocking and I was upset but I am so pleased I saw him.

Sorry just seen your last message. I would just keep talking and make it clear to them if they do want to see him then you will take them. A recorded message is a nice idea.

Sorry to hear about your dad OP.

My DC were the same age when my mum died. I took them to see her when she was awake in hospital, but not afterwards when she was permanently sedated as she did look very skeletal and I didn’t think it would be of benefit. I also gave them the choice about the funeral and both elected to go, but not afterwards (DD1 had to get back for a GCSE anyway) so a friend looked after them for me

I would say ask them - they are old enough, and if your dad is awake he might like to see them - perhaps ask him too.

I think a recorded message is a lovely, thoughtful idea. FWIW I had to see a grandparent who died when I was 13 and I regret it. I would've appreciated the choice at that age as I knew I didn't want to go.

Thinking of you all

Well then I think you have your answer - I’d go with what they’ve said. A recorded message is a lovely idea

A recording is a lovely idea.

I’m sorry you’re in this position. When my fil was dying, mil said very matter of factly to all the grandchildren that granddad would be dying very soon and if they wanted to they could go in and say goodbye but it was absolutely fine if they didn’t want to and she would say goodbye for anyone who didn’t want to. I think about half of them did- it was mostly the older ones who didn’t if I remember correctly.
I would let them choose, making very sure they know it’s OK if they don’t want.

DS was 10 when my DF passed away. Similarly, my DF declined rapidly and we weren't sure what to do. I was angry that I hadn't been allowed to say goodbye my DGF when he was terminally ill when I was 10, exDH was angry that at 12 he was forced to see his DGF in a coma to say goodbye. We gave DS the choice and reassured him that he could say goodbye through us. He chose to sleep on it before deciding and didn't get the chance to say goodbye but he also got the chance to say what he felt to his GF in the moment and for us to pass that on.

Your DC are old enough to chose what they want. But equally this is their last chance to say goodbye. That doesn't have to be in person. You can offer to pass on a message, share a happy memory from them, or they can record a message, if they choose not to see their DGF.

So sorry about your Dad 💐💐

OP
And I know my dad would hate them to see him like that.

Surely that's your answer. 🤷🏻‍♀️. Why would you go against his wishes?

My Dad was in hospital and there was a very significant chance he would die and he categorically didn't want anyone to visit except my Mum and me and my siblings.

Our kids are adults but he didn't want any of them to visit. He is very close to them and they are teens and young adults so it's not a matter or them being too young.

Sorry forgot to say it's not up to your kids to chose it's up to your Dad

I took my girls to see their great uncle to say goodbye before he died. They weren't enthusiastic at the time but told me the next day when I told them he'd passed that they were really glad I'd made them go to say goodbye. They were about 10.

Ask them . My 6 year old came along when both her grandparents were ill , saw them dead and came to the funerals .

Sorry you're in this position OP.

Bertrand's MIL's way was very practical.

I remember as a young teenager some of the family kids waving goodbye from just outside the bay (person was unconscious already).

I hope the children have been able to decide.
I know having been with relatives towards the end it's hard to see so sending 💐

I think what I liked about MIL’s approach was that she made it absolutely clear that it was their choice. She was losing her soulmate, she came from a culture where it would have been unthinkable for everyone not to pay their respects, but she made it OK for them to say no when she promised to say goodbye for them.

What a lovely thoughtful woman Bertrand.

My family are from a culture where there is much more openness around death (the dead person is often brought home for people to pay their respects) and there is no pressure for people to go into the room or look in the coffin, but many choose to do so.
It has helped me when faced with the dying.

I'm with Bertrand's MIL on this.

I did similar with my own children when my Mum was dying. They all wanted to, and did go in. Sadly a day later she deteriorated rapidly and DP and I took the decision that seeing her in that condition would be distressing (her appearance changed literally overnight) because even I didn't recognise her.

I'm very sorry about your Dad.

Sorry about your father. Mine was most insistent he didn't want anyone apart from DM and his DC. His is the most important wish. Recorded message lovely.

In a very similar position but my kids are a few years younger. Dad said today he doesn't want them to remember/see him like this so that's our plan. It's so shit though