Mum has terminal Pancreatic Cancer - how to cope

[likeaprayer]

I'm a bit lost at the moment, my lovely mum 83 has pancreatic cancer and it's spread to her liver. There's nothing that can be done, saying weeks/months.

How do I get through this, she only lost her husband (my dad) last September and that was not expected. She had been losing weight but we put that down to grieve etc. And gets a pain in stomach now and again.

Life is cruel, I'm trying to stay strong for her but so scared to how bad it's going to get. Seeing my dad die was so tough and can't believe I may lose both my parents in a year.

She spent so long looking after my dad and thought she'd finally get her life back and be able to go out, on holiday.

I'm so scared how quickly this cancer takes hold.

This is really hard for you. Pancreatic cancer is hard to diagnose so often very bad by the time it's discovered. Do you live close to your Mum? Try and spend lots of time with her, help with practical as well as emotional support. BUT make sure you get some support for you too. Do you have a partner or close friend you can talk to?
It sounds morbid but it's real - discuss when possible any wishes your mum has for the end stages, funeral etc so you will know you've been able (hopefully) to abide by her wishes.

Hospices are wonderful with care both in and out of the hospice. My OH receives care from one and they have been wonderful. Your fear of not knowing how bad it might get needs addressing and reassurance from the experts in palliative care.

I am so sorry that she is so unwell - it must be a shock for everyone. Seek the right help and you will be able to spend some good time with her in the weeks or months ahead.

I cannot offer advice but my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Aw, just be there for her. What a lovely DD you sound.

I'm so sorry. My only advice is to try to focus on her and helping any other family members to cope. I'm sure she'll be worrying about how you will cope and showing her you can will ease her stress a little. Use the time you have to say and do everything you need to. Make use of any support offered, if you are in the UK MacMillan nurses are fantastic and will be able to help you both. Try to take each day at a time and live in the moment. Thinking of you x

Thanks for all your replies and kind wishes.

I'm just trying to be strong for her, no point sitting around crying, it's not going to change anything. Get her to do things while she can and enjoy the time with have left together.

I know the support will be there when we need it, it's just these first few days off trying to get yr head round it.

I live close so moved back with her and we will take one day at a time. All cancer is bad but pancreatic cancer seems to be the most evil as you don't know you have it till it's too late to do anything. I'd never heard about pancreatic cancer till a few days ago and i hope one day they can find a way off detecting it earlier for the future.

Thanks all for your wishes

I lost my dad last year to a “quick” and aggressive industrial cancer - mesothelioma from asbestos. We had 9 months from diagnosis to him dying.

It was a very tough time but we had lots of special moments too, and I’m ever so grateful we got to say all we needed to because of that time. It’s horrible having a vaguely defined time limit. Certainty but uncertainty.

I would advise getting in touch with a hospice as early as possible, they are truly marvelous places IME. They will support you and your mum and seemed to be better at pain relief.

Wishing you a lot of courage and strength for the coming months. If you want to PM or keep posting please do. I had a thread going and found it incredibly therapeutic to be able to offload here.

I'm so sorry to hear that OP. My mum died in June 2017, in July 2017 just 8 weeks after Mum died, my seemingly healthy Dad was found to have terminal cancer. Exactly 4 weeks after he was diagnosed he died. I lost my whole family in the space of 11 weeks. Please feel free to PM me if you feel like talking or if I can help xx

Hey, I dont have any answers but just wanted to support. I lost my mum to this dreadful cancer in 2014. She was diagnosed in Dec 2012 after noticing her urine was very darker, unexplained weight loss, jaundice etc. It was already aggressive when she was diagnosed so to last until June 2014 given the current figures was quite something. She went downhill quite suddenly and was cared for at home. We had help from a Marie Curie nurse who was brilliant and was the one who was sat with her the night she passed, giving us some respite. We were grateful to have really good local support, I hope you are getting some too. It was awful going through it and 5 years on I am still struggling to remember Mum in the normal way rather than just as being ill but i was also relieved to gave her out of pain. Sending you and your mum hugs x

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, my mum too had pancreatic cancer and it is truly horrific. She was diagnosed with it and died 18 days later. This is not all it seems though as she had problems for months before but was fobbed off. All you can do is be there for her, spend time with her, and make memories that you will always treasure

I'm part of a hospital study (EUROPAC), into familial pancreatic cancer and hereditary pancreatitis, (Mum and Nan died of it), so there are hospitals doing research into it and looking for a way of detecting it. The hospitals doing this study are all over the UK.

If you want to PM me you're more than welcome. Take care and be kind to yourself.

It is horrible, losing both parents like this. You say there is no point sitting around crying, but actually, if you need to have a cry, to grieve, then do it rather than telling yourself not to. There is every point in genuinely authentically living and processing these emotions. Living a full rich life means living the ups and downs. Laughing and crying. By yourself, with your mum. Help yourself through this toughest of times by knowing it's ok not to be ok and giving yourself permission to feel your feelings without telling yourself this is impractical. In your circumstances crying sounds completely reasonable. You might find some of the best most powerful moments come in sharing both sides of the emotional journey together, and that sharing the tears allows you to share the joyful precious moments too. Very best wishes.

My heart goes out to you. I'm at the end of this with my dad (stomach rather than pancreatic but very late diagnosed with minimal symptoms until it was too late). It's been less than 3 months from symptoms to diagnosis and we're expecting him to pass any time now.

Enjoy any time you can with her. I find treating him in the same disrespectful teasing way I have since I was, well, born is a great comfort actually as it reinforces the relationship we've always enjoyed rather than the change this horrid disease as imposed on us.

All the best and make sure you do make time for yourself too as everyone tells me. It's exhausting and draining and you don't need to be a superhero.

Gentle hugs for you.

Just be with her, get out and about, take the photos, laugh and smile.as much as you can.. Don't treat her overly differently other than to care for her needs. Find time.for yourself and loved ones.

Heed your emotions and when needed roll with them, laugh like crazy, cry your heart out and don't neglect your own needs.