How to help

[Finfintytint]

My lovely mum who is in her seventies had a bowel cancer diagnosis this summer. She had immediate surgery and is half way through chemotherapy treatment.

She was very weak because of the chemo treatment and wanted to give it up.
She has now suffered a massive stroke this week and is back in hospital. She can communicate but has no power down her left hand side but is improving in terms of speech and swallowing.

She talks constantly of suicide and I don't know how to guide her through this crisis.
I've advised her that this is only day 3 of her stroke and she can expect improvement hopefully.
I've spoken to nurses on her ward and I can book an appointment to discuss her treatment and future prognosis but I cannot seem to access anyone re her depression and desire to end her life.
Clearly no one can facilitate her demise but how do I turn this around without dismissing her legitimate worries?

Basically I cannot assure her she will be helped to die as that would be illegal. This is all she wants however.

I'm talking to myself but it is helping. Sodding cancer and stroke.

Didn't want to read and run - no real advice but offering solidarity - my lovely dad was told his cancer is advanced this week so is coming to terms with imminent death. It's so hard to know how to help. I believe counseling is available in most hospitals to cancer patients so it might be worth looking into that - someone to talk to who isn't directly involved is often really useful. for you.

Is there a social worker at the hospital you could ask fo see? They may have some ideas.

Thank you. Will look into social worker and counsellor. Difficult to know who can offer the best advice.

Sorry about your dear mum, try and see if you can speak to her doctor, the stroke nurse or the palliative care nurse.

How about contacting a Macmillan nurse for advice. When my mum had her bowel cancer diagnosis ( too far advanced to offer chemo ) they were very good at offering support.

Thank you. I think the stroke people and the oncologist offer really good advice but no one can ( understandably ) offer advice about suicide or managing feelings about it. She can see no alternative but to end it all but cannot do so without assistance. I just don't see how to get her through these feelings.

Will try Macmillan but not sure if they offer assistance when at home not still in hospital.

Didimiss, sorry to hear about your dad's diagnosis. It's a bugger isn't it?
Flowers to you.xx

Thank you all for your responses. Going to take a couple of hours break as DS is arriving at silly oclock . There will be a family wedding regardless of family crisis so need to concentrate on that. Everyone is thinking of mum and i know she wants everyone to continue. DS will visit her tomorrow for maybe the last time.

Your Mum should have the same access to treatment for her mental health as anyone else. I think it's common for people with serious illness to have depression. The doctors need to help her. Push them for some help. Be firm and don't let them put you off. I'm sure that there must be some counselling as part of the care provided.

Depression is almost always seen in stroke patients as a result of the stroke itself. Many stroke victims are prescribed antidepressants on their admission.
It's such a difficult time for your mum and you, talk to her medical team about your concerns. Sorry you are going through this.

My local hospital has a Macmillan center in the hospital and most cancer wards have a counsellor or psychologist available for patients and families

Your poor mum.... she (and you) must be terrified.

None of us talk about death enough, and your mum probably feels like she's staring it right in the face after this stroke. And don't forget, she's had a catastrophic brain injury so this isn't really her talking at the moment. I used to work in care, and the first few days/weeks after a stroke are really hard going. I'd ask for some McMillan support for her, and yourself too. I hope she can find a gentler path soon

Thank you for your responses. I think McMillan may be the way to go. I just feel so sad that she has given up but understand the reasons why.
Feel useless and can't seem to have any impact. It's her life after all.

So so sorry to hear all that your mum, and you are going through - where abouts in the country are you? Many areas have local charities that offer counselling and support to people with cancer - More so than other conditions. So you are more likely to find counselling - for her and you through a cancer based charity than a stroke based one. Is there a local hospice? They have a wealth of support services that you should be able to access.

Her oncology unit is in England but her stroke treatment is in Wales so there is a definite lack of communication between trusts which is frustrating. I'm the go between to make sure units are talking to each other. It's very difficult being on the border when they can't seem to transfer basic info.

For an example I've fought to get a flush done this week dictated by her English treatment but not understood by the Welsh current treatment as to the immediacy. They will do it but it took a lot of explaining with no communication from the English hospital. If another patient had no advocacy then it would have been missed.

Oh my goodness that's an added stress you could do without.So sorry to hear what you are having to cope with. Which
County is her oncology unit in?

I think that it is perfectly reasonable of her to be suicidal. She may be depressed, she may not be.

I think it comforts us all to talk in terms of treatment, mental health etc but there comes a point where people can rationally decide that they no longer wish to be alive.

It is a shame that we cannot facilitate this in this country (although there are overseas alternatives). I know that there would come a point where I may make that choice.

I guess it depends on the prognosis and how much she can hope to recover from both the cancer and the stroke. Please do listen to what she actually wants, though, and try not to deny her agency over her life within the limits of what you can do.