Mum been given 6-9months - not sure why I’m posting

[negunslean]

DM has been battling colon cancer for 3 years. Had operation to remove it and was deemed successful, until it showed up in her liver. Despite her being very high risk (emphysema and heart issues) surgeons operated and removed a lot of her liver. She survived this for it to come back again in liver and lungs.
Palliative chemo held it in check for a year, but now it has doubled in size in 3 months and she is too weak for further chemo. Oncologist has tentatively said 6-9 months.
She is so positive and dignified, holding us all up and keeping us going. She is pretty much symptom free at the moment apart from tiredness so this just seems surreal.
I’ve never been really close to anyone dying from cancer so I don’t know what to expect.
I guess I’m just asking if anyone has any experience of this type of cancer and if the timescales are realistic?

No advice I'm afraid but I'm sure someone will be along soon. Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. Xxxx

Hi, you must prepare yourselves for a shorter timescale if my experience is anything to go by. My Mum had metastatic (ie everywhere) breast cancer and stopped treatment in April. She passed away in June as it was just so aggressive after the treatment had stopped. Not everyone will obviously have the same experience, but we were told 6-9 months too and felt/feel massively cheated. I guess if you expect shorter, you’ll appreciate a longer time more?
What to expect? Hospice palliative care is wonderful and the staff at ours were just amazing. She hopefully will have her meds carefully monitored so will be pain free and very peaceful in the end. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’d give anything to have another few months with my Mum.

So sorry you're going through this
As a pp said, do prepare for the worst, all I can say is also hope for the best. Absolutely anything can happen and I have been shocked on many occasions when my patients have defeated all odds. I don't want to give false hope but I can say with certainty that I have met patients who have been given a timeframe and still soldiering through much longer. Obviously our doctors are amazing but text books will only get anybody so far....the human body is amazing and does some truly amazing things at times...nobody truly knows how a person will respond.
Another positive note, I can go home Friday, come back Monday and a new treatment or trial is available! Things change that quickly!
So be practical and sort out things that need to be sorted should the worst happen but the most important thing is to try and enjoy quality time with your mum. If she's up to it try and get through all the things she's always wanted to do whilst she still feels well. It's all about staying positive. Most of all be kind to yourself xxx

I'm where you are at the moment op. Hugs to you, it's not easy. My mum is lasting longer than predicted despite similar complications with her health so it's not always accurate. But it does hang over you. Give yourself time and take it easy right now, it's a lot to cope with but you'll get used to making the most of very simple times.
Thinking of you

Thank you so much for all your lovely replies, sorry for all that have been or are going through this.
I am currently wracked with guilt over a Xmas holiday we have coming up. We have spent Xmas for the last 4 years with my parents and have cancelled various summer holidays in order to care for them as they’ve both been ill. This Xmas we have booked a weeks holiday to take our 2 teenage Ds’s away. They are getting older and we feel like we have limited time when they will want to go away with us.

Now of course it appears this may be my DM’s last Xmas. She would be cross if I cancelled our holiday, but I would feel so guilty at not being with her. We have held our breath for the last few years, putting our life on hold just incase she took a turn for the worst and we have done that gladly, to be with her. I feel so shit now that I’ve made Xmas plans without her and it may be the final one 😔

That's a dilemma op, I feel for you. I have his constantly, thinking, oh I shouldn't do this or that as it could be the last one.
On one hand, if you're going to regret it, maybe it'd be best to cancel the holiday. On the other, you could spend a 'Christmas day' on any date you choose really with dm. And the break may do you good.
I can't advise what to do but whatever you do, do so without guilt or worry. You're in a difficult situation and no one can predict the future x

Can you have Christmas with your mum, but on another day before or after your holiday? Whatever you usually do to celebrate. Totally different circumstances but I often with over Christmas Day and this is what we do. If you say your mum wouldn't want you to cancel your holiday this could be a good compromise for everyone?

So sorry you're going through this and I hope that whatever time you have left with her you're able to make the best of it xxx

Hi OP, I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through right now. I lost my MIL to secondary breast cancer 12 years ago, and my DF to pancreatic cancer just over a year ago. In both cases the timeline given by the doctors was pretty much spot on. My DF was also tired a lot and slept a great deal. We had a week long family holiday booked last summer and I too was terrified to go because my DF was already deteriorating and I worried something would happen while I was away. We did go, and he was around for another 2 months after, but I still feel guilty that I could have had that extra week with him. The choice of course is yours. You could do Christmas a bit early as others have said as a compromise?

I would echo what some PPs have said and gently encourage your DM to get her affairs in order sooner rather than later if she hasn't already done so, and make sure you get support and help from Macmillan nurses, especially when your DM gets weaker. They were a great source of support to us for practical things as well as nursing.

If you are, or will become a carer for your mum as the disease progresses, make sure you apply for the carers allowance. Macmillan can help you with the forms if necessary.

Keep coming back to these boards for advice or a rant or to offload or for a virtual hug if you need one. Everyone's cancer journey is different but if you have questions about anything your DM is experiencing, there is bound to be someone here who can set your mind at rest or share their experience of similar x

Plan a wonderful, full-on, all-out Christmas celebration for before you go away. Are your Mum & Dad still together or does she have a partner (will she be alone at Christmas or perhaps appreciate some quiet time)?

I’m so sorry. I’d agree to plan for shorter and be happy if you have longer.

Thank you all for your wonderful responses. It really does help. 💐
My parents are still together and DF is her registered carer as she has other conditions. He has only just had a triple bypass, although is recovering well. They both lived with me over the summer so he could recuperate but are now back in their own home, with help.
I broached the holiday with them today and they laughed as they had already anticipated me cancelling it. They said they would be furious if I did, so I guess that solves that issue.
The slow decline is so hard though isn’t it? I’m blessed to be able to be with her in this last part of her life but I feel like my heart is being wrenched from my body. 💔

Oh goodness OP, I’m also in the same position, same story, slightly different time frames.... it’s just so hard. I too have no idea what to expect. I live quite a long drive away so can’t visit very often and feel so guilty about it. We have a family holiday planned for next summer, first time in several years and just don’t know what to do. The timescale we’ve been given should clear that and some, but I know these can change.

💐 hugs and a hand hold

Hi negun and tida too
How are you both doing? What you said op about the slow decline really hit home for me. It's very hard. I'm having a tough day with it today, it's very hard seeing your parent in pain

TidaQuel sorry I have only just seen your post. Really sorry you are going through this too. It’s hard isn’t it, trying to carry on family life and being pulled in all different directions. I know only too well the guilt that brings 💐
lovelymonkey thank you so much for asking, I’m hanging on in there but my poor DF is really suffering. Not sleeping at all and we’re both scouring the internet for miracle cures and clinical trials. Hugs to you too

Your poor dad
When my mum was first diagnosed I was be same, didn't sleep and spent ages on the Internet. I deal with it better now but also suspect the closer mum gets to the end, the more I'm in denial. Hugs to you, and please try to do some things to look after yourself x

No advice but hopefully she’ll get better soon. If you are not already doing so I recommend seeing a therapist or counsellor. They helped me cope with my grandmother’s diagnosis.

Hi I lost my mum in June after being diagnosed with secondary breast cancer in the March. It was a quick decline for my poor mum. It’s such a hard time as u say being pulled in different directions all the time. I found with mum she started getting a lot weaker, didn’t want to eat then not at all, drank water though. She couldn’t stand noise or light either near the end. I’m sorry your all going through this