What would you do?

[IronWoman]

A good friend of mine has a friend who has been diagnosed with lung cancer which has spread to her lymph nodes.

Initially the hospital did a bank of tests and said they would send samples off to have biological testing done in Nottingham a couple of weeks ago.

Nothing so far, however my friend has just told me that her friend has given up. She is not eating, she is not getting exercise, she is not even leaving the house...against the advice of her consultant.

Understandably, she is in a dark place, especially as she's been told that the cancer can't be operated on. It can be managed but not cured.

I have suggested my friend call Macmillan's and speak to the British Lung Foundation on Monday morning, but she is there for the weekend now.

She doesn't want to 'bully' (her friend's words) her friend in to doing something against her wishes, but she is stuck not knowing what to do and feels helpless.

What would you do please?

There is nothing you can do. If the poor lady with cancer doesn't want to go out or do anything, nobody can make her. She probably, quite naturally so, feels that there's no point as there is no cure.

I've had 22 years of care work experience, much of it with terminally ill patients, and I know that many of them didn't want to have chemotherapy or any treatment, as they felt it would just prolong the inevitable. Perhaps your friend should back off a bit, and just keep this poor lady company when she wants someone there.

many lung cancers have a very poor prognosis particularly when it has already spread like this. She is probably still in terrible shock. As pp says your friend should just make herself available if he friend wants to talk / cry or to help practically.

Lynne1Cat thanks for your reply...and although I felt it rather terse, I can see what you are saying.

My friend understandably wants to help her friend but doesn't know how, having (thankfully) never being in this situation before.

As you have so many years experience, could you recommend any other support groups or organisations besides Macmillan's in case her friend wants to talk to someone who would understand what she is going through?

I'm sure you understand where she is coming from in wanting to help her friend, she may not have much longer and it seems that she has heard nothing more from the hospital and no chemo or other treatments have been explored. Is this normal?

The first bit can be the worst bit. Testing, uncertainty, fears, the unknown - all can be much worse than when you have treatment options and prognoses in front of you and you just get on with it.

Her news is very new, and a shock. and it’s not clear from your post whether she yet has all her test results.

Yes, supporting friends should equip themselves with more info, but she needs to stop feeling helpless as this is not about her. And her presence in itself could be valuable, and I would advise her to be led by the friend - sometimes all you want is to sink into denial and say/do nothing to do with the disease, other times you may want to cry. or let out pent up anger, or go on for gallows humour, or just be left alone,

There are cancer support centres fitted round the place (under various names). I suggest your friend googled to find out what support services there are in her friends location. They can often support the supporters too

In what way does the friend want to help?
A good friend will simply support the ill friend in whatever they want to do/not do.
Offer her company when asked etc.
It's really that simple.

I do understand how hard it is for the friend. My DH had chemo 3 years ago and completely excluded me from the whole process for his own reasons. I found it really hard and felt he was being quite selfish as I had no idea what the prognosis was or anything as he refused to discuss it with me or allow me to accompany him to hospital. We had a 3 yr old DS. In the end, I had to accept it was his illness and his choice as to how to deal with it. DH is in remission currently but not cured and he's undergone a massive personality transplant since then (for the better) so I'm fairly confident that next time, things will be different.