Can't/won't do all the work this time - mum has cancer again

[StrongerThanIThought76]

Just found out my mum has cancer. Again.

This isn't about how any of us feel about cancer, it's a bastard disease and I hate how it destroys lives. I know this. Believe me I've been there.

Last time my mum was ill I exhausted myself physically and emotionally going to appointments and caring for her before and after all her treatmenrs and surgeries (whilst being a single parent and working full time in a new job) while my brother did nothing. Visited twice but zero support during and afterwards. I ended up having counselling and my relationship with both of them has suffered badly.

So new diagnosis was only recently. I heard the words "I don't know what to say to your brother so he doesn't worry. Quite frankly he needs to worry. He didn't last time because I took the brunt of everything and I just can't do it again.

I don't need to hear I'm a bitch for not supporting my mum. I will, of course, unconditionally. I just can't take it all on again whilst my brother floats in and out.

You're not a bitch.

I'm sorry about your mum's diagnosis, and about the strain that the previous diagnosis/treatment placed on you.

Is this a recurrence of the same cancer or a new one?

I think you just need to decide how much you are willing to do to help, and then stick to that whether or not your brother steps up to do the rest. You are only human. There are various organisations that can help too, depending what is needed.

(I say "just" but of course it's not easy at all!)

I’m single if u got cancer then I’d just have whatever support I could from NHS. There is help out there to get patients to apportionment and care at home. It shouldn’t be all on you if you also trying hold down a job.

Like previous posted said decided what you can do and when can visit and work around that with what help brother can give and then look for outside support.

Women always end up taking on the majority of the care in this situations. Even if you decide not to you know it will still be heaped at your door.

The best thing you can do is go to your brother directly and state that he has to help out this time as you can’t wnotionally or physically take on the whole burden yourself.

Can your brother pay for a carer to take some of the weight off you? if he isn’t going to be there in person, he needs to contribute in other ways. Or yes, you need to step back. You can’t crack up under the strain, you have a child/children who are your top priority.
It doesn’t mean you love your mum less, just that there’s a finite amount of you and too many demands.

You are definitely not a bitch you sound like a lovely daughter and I bet your mum is so grateful. If your brother was crap last time did he know the full ins and outs of it? The full enormity I mean? Or did he just think she was a bit poorly? I would talk to him and tell him outright, mum has cancer, again, it's serious and we need you to help support her (and you!) Don't just silently fume, sort it out with him.

I’ve been in a similar situation and your not a bitch at all.

You need to have a frank and honest chat with your dB

Thanks all.

You're right, she didn't share much last time with him so he wasn't fully aware of all the 'stuff' going on. Which was frustrating to say the least when she got angry at me for not helping more - when he did NOTHING.

With her permission I've told him (via whatsapp, it's just the way he and I communicate most successfully) exactly what's going on as far as we know so far. He's called her once...

She knows that he is much more available than me for the next few weeks and that I expect him to actually be involved this time. Also that I expect HER to involve him more and not to expect me to do it all (also that I CANNOT emotionally and physically do it all again without his support).

So yeah, that still sounds mean of me. Her first official PET scan is this morning and she's gone on her own. Results appointment will be in next couple of weeks.

It doesn't sound mean. It sounds sensible and realistic. It's better to be upfront about your limits so she is prepared and can ask others. I hope that your brother will be more helpful now that he knows what's going on.

Fingers crossed for her PET scan results

Hi OP I'm sorry your mum has cancer and you are going through this. I think you need to work out what you are willing to do and what your brother is willing to do, albeit nothing, and then arrange for the rest to be taken care of by outside professionals. Ask your mum's GP to arrange for a community nurse/Macmillan nurse to see your mum in her home and to arrange a care assessment by social services. Red Cross do some care in the home and can also do transport for hospital visits. Age Concern also do transport to medical appointments. There are home care companies that will take over all sorts of care jobs in the home such as personal care, laundry, cooking, medication management, cleaning, respite, night sitting. Hospices also provide temporary respite. There are also day care centres that do all sorts including hairdressing, massage, that kind of thing x

Also op do not think the worst for your mum. My mil had cancer for a good few years and finally saw the back of it only for another new unrelated cancer to pop up last year. She had treatment and is now cancer free. So it's not always bad. I hope the results of the pet scan are good.

I agree about services being available and there is transport etc, I had to contact some of these recently as parents far away and they were helpful. Maybe if you step back a bit she might make more use of them, hard as it is.

You're not mean or a bad daughter or anything else OP. I'm so sorry to hear your DM has cancer again, but you cannot support her unless you're able to juggle all the other balls in your life, including your own mental and physical health, work and parenting your DC. It's good that you've told your DB. Does he understand that you expect him to bear 50% of the responsibility this time? Does he understand what it did to you last time carrying it all by yourself? Do your share, by all means, but make it clear right now that you expect him to do his and you will not be picking up his slack and making yourself ill again. Why it always the DDs who end up doing the caring and on whom the burden of expectation falls? Roll on total equality of the sexes.

Oh - and will you be able to get nursing support - MacMillan, etc, to help share the burden of care?