The calm before the storm

[Willowkins]

I previously posted under the title: I'm not OK - about my lovely DH with stage 4 bowel cancer.

We heard a few weeks ago that DH has refractory disease - basically the chemo is not working. We see the oncologist this week for the results of the latest MRI and hopefully a new plan but it's not looking good.

I am sitting here in the sunshine and the birds are singing but I know we have dark days ahead. I'm trying to stay strong for the family.

Just needed to share with you good folks as can't really talk about this in RL.

@Frikonastick my marbles have well and truly deserted me. Hope you're ok.

Theres a George Elliot quote that most eloquently describes the well in my heart

• But what we call our despair

is often only the painful eagerness of unfed hope.-

ah frik it's hard to call that beautiful, but it's so eloquent.

Sending you and all those facing the worst much and love and good thoughts, as always.

DH starts hopefully final course of chemo tablets tomorrow. Then colonoscopy, during which they will also remove some polyps that were there at his initial diagnosis. We dont understand why these weren't removed during his surgery?

Fuck knows, but I might start a colostomy thread somewhere.

Why wouldn't they have removed the polyps the first time ? Surely they should have checked them ? Hope the chemo is going ok.

We didn't manage to get 'frisky' at CP 😥. But we had a good time, so actually that's all that matters ...

nota we don't know either. but apparently colonoscopy via stoma is easier/less uncomfortable so that's something.

re getting frisky: we were told surgery would render DH impotent, we could look at viagra or something but we've both agreed certainly not in the next 6-12 months while he recovers. I went right off it after the menopause anyway.

Ct today, and now we have a kidney infection ! Just trying to get through to gp to get drugs .....

good luck nota

Yup, got infection so now on drugs ....

How's chemo going @yolofish ?

11 more days I think. Then scan, then colonoscopy, takes us up to about May I think?

2nd lot of anti bs started - how's life everywhere else ?

Hello All!

I've been sort of like @frikonastick

• following your posts, but then having a mental block when I want to write. DH has stage 1V stomach / oesophageal cancer, first lot of chemo not so successful, has prevented primary tumour from spreading, and some lymph nodes have subsidised, however there is more spread to liver and new growth lower back. It's shit. New chemo regime and first on list for medical trial. He's super thin, friends from UK arrived this morning with full meal replacement drink which is not available here, and he likes it! Unlike the awful stuff available here. 🤕

I think this is quite apt for us all:

That's a good quote, I describe myself as treading water. I'm upright, not sinking and just about holding on !

DH is sleeping about 16 hours a day at the min, I'm dreading next week's appointments. Surgery Monday then oncology Thursday who will be able to tell us how much it's grown ....judging by his sleep patterns it's growing quickly.

Hi all. Thank you for still thinking of me. I do follow your posts with interest and occasionally I hold my breath with you while you wait for results. It's still an awful club to belong to but if there is going to be a bar (and there really should be) I'm in

Seems like the start of the year is being a bit tough on everyone. Dh has a scan on weds then oncologist for results on 25th another long three weeks stuck in limbo. He is doing great at the minute, better than me mentally.
It just kind of hits you at random times, I know he has cancer and it's terminal etc but I try not to think about after, if that makes sense. We had an invite to a wedding abroad next year which completely ruined me, there is a very high chance dh won't be here then it hit me ten fold.

Less of the misery, our eldest turned 21 and we had a house party of all our loved ones, it was a great night (I got very drunk) and heart warming to see how many people actually care about dh and our family. Anyway I think I may of mentioned it but this photo is what love and memories we will continue to make. They were dancing to passenger let her go.

It’s interesting, I realised part of my terrible distress is that I feel as though I am dying too.

All our shared history. All the things no one will remember because no one was there except him and I.

The person I was, the person I would have been with DH in our shared future, will be gone too.

It’s a big reason why my future is just a white noise. Because that person, the future me, is a complete stranger and mystery. I can’t imagine her.

It is like that @Frikonastick - all our dreams, hopes gone in a flash !

I'm getting surgery anxiety now - we need to be at hospital for 7 am and it's Jimmys where 2 Coronavirus cases are ........

Surgery had a few glitches, took twice as long as expected and he needed oxygen towards the end so they've kept him in overnight. I've come home and eaten my body weight in cheese on toast

huge hugs @notapizzaeater cheese on toast is a bloody lush.

ive put on 10kgs this year. someone said something about comfort eating. i was like, no its not. its not comforting. its survival. im eating because im too scared to drink, and i dont do drugs. its the only fucking thing available to me.

@Frikonastick your post about the shared history has really struck me and put into words how I've been thinking.

I have actively avoided alcohol, despite MIL going on at me to drink, mainly I think so she could talk about me hitting the bottle and make her not look so bad.
I don't give a toss if she drinks but it's not what I need and not what DH needs right now.

@notapizzaeater hope you get some rest tonight

@yolofish it makes no sense re the polyps but hope they remove them with next colonoscopy

@loubieloo4 sorry that invitation has arrived and unravelled you... It's a horrible thing to confront.

@chinchin77 sorry things are so awful. Have you got a steady supply of the meal replacement stuff?
The quote you shared is very apt.

💐 to all

@Frikonastick I actually think I'm grieving for that person that was the old me. She has long gone and it's like a big void looking at the future me, I don't like the look of her at all.

I've been out of contact... much love to you all etc.

me too @loubieloo4, me too

@HitthefloorforTaintedLove, my mil has not been exactly supportive either. when DH explained the latest news to her, she responded with, oh well i may as well just kill myself now this is so awful for me. DH was very restrained when he pointed out she still had another child, his sister, not to mention all the grandkids etc..........

she hasnt comforted him once. not ONCE. its just all about her.

@Frikonastick my in-laws are just as shite as well. DH (only child) had the operation Monday - they e not messaged or rang to see how he got on at all - they've no idea there was complications and I'm buggered if I ring them !

Last time he told them the doctors said 6/9 months she said oh I'm sorry and told him about her neighbour 4 doors away that changed her diet and got cured .....

The day of my husband's op (10 hours) my then MIL rang up to talk about her holiday. She'd totally forgotten (or didn't care) her oldest son was having life-changing surgery. Completely self absorbed - I just don't understand these people.